At precisely 7:23 p.m., as per her FitBit\u2019s insistence, Elvira Henderson threw open the grand doors to Henderson Manor. Elvira was the only one who called it a \u201cmanor.\u201d In reality, it was a rather spacious but run-down house passed down through the Henderson family for generations, situated awkwardly between a 24-hour taco joint and a hardware store that hadn\u2019t sold anything but duct tape since 1987.<\/p>\n
Elvira, clad in a floor-length velvet robe with stars on it (\u201cCelestial Chic,\u201d she called it), cleared her throat and addressed the twelve bewildered guests who had gathered on her porch, holding their duffel bags, water bottles, and yoga mats.<\/p>\n
\u201cWelcome,\u201d she intoned, her voice as grave as a tombstone. \u201cTo Henderson Manor: your ticket to holistic healing and otherworldly wellness. Each of you has been chosen for our exclusive, life-changing<\/em> retreat experience. Come in\u2026 if you dare.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs there Wi-Fi?\u201d asked Dave, a balding man in a tracksuit who looked like he hadn\u2019t taken a day off from accounting in three decades.<\/p>\n \u201cWe do not speak of Wi-Fi in this sacred place,\u201d Elvira replied, making air quotes around \u201csacred.\u201d Dave looked horrified, clutching his phone like a talisman.<\/p>\n \u201cGreat,\u201d muttered Jenny, a petite woman in a neon-pink workout set. \u201cI\u2019m going to have to live-tweet my chakras offline.\u201d<\/p>\n Everyone shuffled in, casting wary glances around the manor. The air inside smelled faintly of patchouli and something Elvira swore was \u201cghostly ectoplasm,\u201d though her cousin Martha said it was just \u201can old lasagna rotting in the fridge.\u201d<\/p>\n As the guests gathered in what Elvira optimistically called the \u201cGreat Room,\u201d complete with a ghostly tapestry that might have just been mildew, she handed everyone a binder titled Henderson Holistic Horror: Your Ultimate Guide to Reawakening<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cNow,\u201d Elvira said, with a dramatic flourish of her arm, \u201cI have a surprise. This health retreat will involve more than just your average yoga class or detox tea.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t tell me it\u2019s CrossFit,\u201d groaned Dave. \u201cMy knees can\u2019t handle it.\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira\u2019s eyes widened in mock horror. \u201cOh no. Far worse! Tonight, we will make contact with spirits\u2014spirits from beyond this earthly realm.\u201d<\/p>\n The guests exchanged glances. Larry, a guy who looked suspiciously like he\u2019d arrived on a skateboard, whispered, \u201cIs this like\u2026 included in the price?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTotally included,\u201d Elvira replied with a toothy grin. \u201cTonight, we summon the spirit of my great-great-grandfather, Randolph Henderson. He built this manor with his own two hands\u2014and, legend says, with the help of a ghostly apparition who shared the secrets of the beyond.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like free labor,\u201d Jenny whispered, and Elvira shot her a stern look.<\/p>\n Elvira began to set up a circle of candles on the living room floor, arranging a variety of \u201csupernaturally charged\u201d crystals in the middle. She gestured for everyone to sit around the circle, handed them each a small bell, and instructed, \u201cIf you see anything\u2026 otherworldly, ring the bell.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDefine \u2018otherworldly,\u2019\u201d said Cynthia, an elderly woman with the expression of someone who\u2019d accidentally ended up here while looking for a Bingo hall.<\/p>\n Elvira ignored her. \u201cBegin chanting, my friends. Say it with me: \u2018Randolph Henderson, Randolph Henderson, grant us your presence from the great beyond.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n The group mumbled the words, some half-heartedly, some too terrified to make eye contact with anyone else. But as the candles flickered and the chanting grew louder, a gust of wind blew through the room, knocking over a potted plant.<\/p>\n \u201cOh my god,\u201d whispered Jenny, clutching her yoga mat. \u201cDid you see that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course we did; it was a plant,\u201d grumbled Dave. \u201cProbably just the HVAC.\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira\u2019s eyes flashed with excitement. \u201cYou\u2019re wrong, Dave! Randolph is with us. Do you feel that chill? That, my friends, is a ghostly presence.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s he gonna do, charge us for heating?\u201d muttered Larry, but no one heard him because Elvira\u2019s chanting had grown louder and more intense. Just as she began to enter what she referred to as \u201ca spiritual trance\u201d (or a dramatic whisper), the lights flickered, and an unexpected noise echoed through the hallways\u2014a deep, guttural sound, like a toilet attempting to flush a brick.<\/p>\n Everyone froze. Elvira\u2019s eyes widened, and she whispered, \u201cIt\u2019s Randolph.\u201d<\/p>\n Dave shook his head. \u201cThat sounded like the plumbing.\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira took a deep breath, then turned, eyes wide. \u201cThat,\u201d she hissed, \u201cwas not<\/em> the plumbing.\u201d<\/p>\n Just then, the front door creaked open, and in shuffled a hunched figure dressed in a flannel shirt and overalls, carrying what appeared to be a rusty toolbox.<\/p>\n \u201cRandolph!\u201d gasped Elvira, practically leaping from the floor.<\/p>\n The figure squinted, muttered something about \u201cnot being paid enough for this,\u201d and set down the toolbox. Everyone leaned in, holding their breath. \u201cDid Randolph\u2026 bring his own tools?\u201d whispered Jenny.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d replied the figure, rubbing his eyes. \u201cIt\u2019s me, Gus. The plumber. Y\u2019all called me about the leaky sink?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d murmured the group in unison, though Larry looked mildly disappointed.<\/p>\n Elvira, not one to admit defeat, quickly said, \u201cOf course! Randolph often\u2026 uses the living to communicate with us.\u201d<\/p>\n Gus raised an eyebrow. \u201cLady, I\u2019m here to fix a sink.\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira waved her hand dismissively. \u201cYes, yes, attend to your earthly duties, vessel of Randolph.\u201d<\/p>\n Gus mumbled something about \u201ccrazy customers\u201d and clanged his way to the kitchen. As he left, Elvira tried to reclaim the moment. \u201cDo not let earthly interruptions dissuade you! We have come together to awaken our spirits and commune with those beyond.\u201d<\/p>\n The group, still processing Gus the plumber\u2019s abrupt appearance, reluctantly resumed the chanting. But just as they started up again, a loud scream pierced the silence, coming from the direction of the kitchen. Everyone leaped up and ran toward the noise, where they found Gus, looking pale as a ghost himself.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2026 what did you see?\u201d asked Elvira, her voice quivering with excitement.<\/p>\n Gus, clutching his wrench like a cross, muttered, \u201cI don\u2019t know what kind of haunted garbage disposal you have here, but something growled at me when I turned the water on. I\u2019m not fixing that.\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira beamed. \u201cRandolph! He\u2019s really here! This is unprecedented!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s mold,\u201d Gus declared flatly. \u201cPossibly a raccoon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRaccoons are of this realm,\u201d snapped Elvira. \u201cRandolph is clearly displeased. We must appease him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBy what\u2014getting a new garbage disposal?\u201d asked Dave.<\/p>\n Elvira glared. \u201cBy making an offering. Everyone, gather round. We need something he would\u2019ve cherished in life.\u201d She rifled through her purse, producing a half-eaten granola bar. \u201cThis should do it.\u201d<\/p>\n They gathered around the garbage disposal, and Elvira tossed the granola bar down the sink. For a long, tense moment, nothing happened. Then, a series of ominous gurgling sounds erupted, followed by a faint, chilling wail.<\/p>\n \u201cRandolph is angry!\u201d shrieked Elvira.<\/p>\n \u201cOr,\u201d mumbled Gus, \u201cthe disposal\u2019s on the fritz.\u201d<\/p>\n But the guests were caught up in the thrill. Jenny clasped her hands together, exclaiming, \u201cI feel\u2026 rejuvenated! I swear I\u2019ve dropped a whole two pounds of negative energy just being here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSee?\u201d Elvira said triumphantly. \u201cThe Henderson Holistic Experience is real!\u201d<\/p>\n But before she could continue, the doorbell rang. Standing there was another man, looking slightly bewildered, in a suit with the name \u201cMartha\u2019s Movers\u201d embroidered on his shirt.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry to bother you, but\u2026 we have a couch here for delivery?\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira looked baffled. \u201cA couch? I didn\u2019t order a couch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure? The name says \u2018Elvira Henderson.\u2019 Says it was ordered by your cousin Martha.\u201d<\/p>\n The crowd of guests looked at each other, intrigued by this new twist.<\/p>\n \u201cWait,\u201d Dave said slowly, \u201cisn\u2019t Martha the one who\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira looked mortified. \u201cShe did say she had a surprise for me, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n The movers shuffled past them, hauling in an enormous, grotesquely pink couch that looked like it had been designed by someone who hated both comfort and the color pink.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is the ugliest couch I\u2019ve ever seen,\u201d muttered Jenny.<\/p>\n Just then, Gus gasped, pointing at the couch. \u201cLook\u2014on the armrest!\u201d<\/p>\n There, etched into the hideous upholstery, was the word \u201cRANDOLPH.\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira\u2019s eyes widened. \u201cIt\u2019s a sign! Randolph has manifested himself\u2026 in the furniture!\u201d<\/p>\n The room erupted in screams, as guests ran around, throwing crystals and chanting. Gus threw his wrench in the air, while Dave fainted dramatically onto the ghastly pink couch. The only one not panicked was Elvira, who stood with her arms outstretched, basking in what she considered an indisputable victory.<\/p>\n Suddenly, Martha burst through the front door, holding a cake. \u201cSurprise! I thought I\u2019d spruce up the place with a couch and some dessert!\u201d<\/p>\n She stopped dead, taking in the chaos of the room\u2014the plumber, the movers, guests chanting around the garbage disposal, and Dave passed out on the couch with \u201cRANDOLPH\u201d written on his forehead in what appeared to be permanent marker.<\/p>\n Martha sighed, handing Elvira the cake. \u201cYou said this retreat was a health<\/em> spa, Elvira. Why is everyone losing their minds?\u201d<\/p>\n Elvira grinned, gesturing to the wreckage. \u201cExactly as planned!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" At precisely 7:23 p.m., as per her FitBit\u2019s insistence, Elvira Henderson threw open the grand doors to Henderson Manor. Elvira was the only one who called it a \u201cmanor.\u201d In<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=44"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":45,"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions\/45"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=44"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=44"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/norveilex.com\/short-stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=44"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}