Tips to Avoid the Overwhelming Desire to Steal Tampons


Last Updated on February 8, 2024 by Michael

Hello, gentlemen, ladies, and individuals of all tampon-needing persuasions. This is your one-stop guide to curb those peculiar urges to snatch up those oblong cottony contraptions, better known as tampons. It’s an obscure impulse, but worry not, we’ve got you covered. With these foolproof tips, you’ll be able to keep your hands to yourself and away from the tampon aisle. Let’s dive in!

1. The Art of Distraction: Delighting in Decoys

Let’s start simple. Distraction is key. You find yourself in the feminine hygiene aisle, the tampons calling your name like sirens of the sea. Fear not! Reach instead for a decoy—preferably something with a similar shape, like a French baguette. By the time you’ve convinced yourself that holding the bread like a microphone and singing Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” in the middle of the store is socially acceptable, the tampon-lifting urges will have faded into oblivion.

2. Breaking Up With Your Baggy Pants

Take note, baggy pants enthusiasts. Those oversized cargo pants aren’t doing you any favors. Let’s get real, they might as well have ‘I can fit a hundred tampons in here’ stitched on them. Consider switching to a more form-fitting style—skinny jeans, anyone? Sure, you might not be able to fit your phone or wallet, but you can rest easy knowing you won’t have the room for a rogue tampon raid.

3. Full Pockets, Empty Desires

Cram those pockets full of anything you can find—paperclips, gum wrappers, unpaid bills. The less room there is in your pockets, the less room there is for the siren song of pilfered tampons to echo. It’s hard to think about those mystical cotton cylinders when you’re dealing with a pocketful of last year’s Halloween candy.

4. Deploy the Decoy Wallet

Consider the decoy wallet strategy. Purchase a fake wallet, and stuff it with bogus credit cards and Monopoly money. When the urge to steal tampons strikes, whip out the decoy and attempt to ‘buy’ them. The puzzled look on the cashier’s face when you hand them your Monopoly credit card is worth every non-stolen tampon.

5. The Unorthodox Approach: Wearing Mittens

When it’s 90 degrees outside and you’re wearing mittens, people might look at you funny, but hey, it’s hard to steal tampons when you can’t grip anything. Plus, the added sweat might just remind you how uncomfortable it is to make bad decisions.

6. Say Yes to Yoga: Calming the Tampon Thief Within

Embrace the world of meditation and yoga. By finding your inner peace, you can redirect the energy you spend on tampon thievery into something more productive. Try to imagine the tampons as tiny peaceful monks, and you wouldn’t steal a monk, would you? Unless you’re into monk-napping, in which case, this article might not be enough help.

7. Join a Support Group: “Thieves Anonymous”

Lastly, if all else fails, join or start a support group. This could range from a professional therapy circle to a casual club where you share stories and laugh about your peculiar desires. Because remember, admitting the problem is the first step towards overcoming it, and humor is a great way to deal with adversity.

Remember, we all have our quirks. Stealing is not the answer, and tampons are not the enemy. Next time you feel the urge to steal tampons, take a deep breath, imagine them as tiny peaceful monks, and slowly back away. And always remember, there’s no shame in buying them – just be sure to leave the baguette out of it.

Michael

I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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