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The starship USS Endeavor floated lazily through space, drifting closer to the bright and brilliantly purple planet Zorblax. Inside, Captain Quinn Montrose nervously tapped his fingers against the command panel while glancing repeatedly at the control room door. “I told you, Mox, we can’t just land on any alien planet without knowing the customs!” Captain Quinn muttered to his first officer, an oversized lizard with three eyes and a penchant for terrible poetry. Mox sighed, his scales shifting colors like a moody chameleon. “Captain, the only way to find out customs is to... land and learn.” “Land and—Mox, that’s how you end up in prison!” Quinn groaned, burying his face in his hands. Before Quinn could change his mind, the door slid open, and Dr. Piper, the ship’s ever-cheerful doctor, skipped into the room, carrying an armful of potted plants. Quinn eyed her suspiciously. “Piper, why the plants?” “These are peace lilies!” Piper announced, setting the pots down on various control panels with abandon. “They’re supposed to promote calm and positive energy. I thought it might help before we make contact with an alien species that, by the way, could eat us.” “Fantastic. Because, you know, nothing screams ‘peaceful explorer’ like someone whose sole line of defense is houseplants.” Mox glanced at the screen and pointed a claw at the signal they’d picked up two days ago: a mysterious message beamed from the planet’s surface. It had sounded like music—bad, autotuned music, to be precise—but it was the only indication that something intelligent lived down there. Quinn straightened his back. “All right, folks. Suit up. We're going down. But no funny business, and if anyone starts chanting or dancing, so help me, I’ll turn this ship around myself.” The landing shuttle descended into the atmosphere, shaking as if it were held together by duct tape and goodwill. Quinn, Mox, Piper, and the communications officer, Ensign Marvin, sat silently, clutching their seats as they came to a rough landing on Zorblax. Quinn squinted through the viewport. Purple sands stretched for miles, occasionally dotted by bizarre-looking structures that resembled inflatable bouncy castles. Before he could marvel at their surroundings, a loud honking sound echoed, and out of nowhere, they were surrounded by creatures that looked like very tall garden gnomes wearing flamboyant silk robes. The tallest gnome approached, waving a spiky purple flower in the air like it was some kind of prize. “Greetings, Earthlings!” the gnome shouted, flashing a toothy grin. “I am Glorvik, Supreme Celebrator of Zorblax.” Quinn cleared his throat and stepped forward. “Greetings, Supreme Celebrator. I’m Captain Quinn Montrose of the USS Endeavor, and we—” “Ah, say no more!” Glorvik interrupted, throwing his hands up. “You’re here to marry our great princess, Yabitha the Benevolent! It is a day of much rejoicing!” Quinn blinked, certain he had misheard. “Sorry, did you say... marry?” “Yes, indeed! The Princess Yabitha has awaited a worthy suitor for seventy-nine quazort cycles,” Glorvik explained, clapping his hands. “She will be so pleased to meet her new groom!” Mox looked at Quinn with three very wide eyes. “Congratulations, Captain! Didn’t know you were the romantic type.” Quinn jabbed him with an elbow. “I’m not here to get married. We’re explorers, not... not alien mail-order grooms.” “But Captain, the peace lilies might really come in handy at a wedding!” Piper offered cheerfully, clutching her plants like a proud parent. “Enough with the peace lilies!” “Right this way, right this way!” Glorvik chanted, leading them down a pathway lined with banners of Quinn’s confused-looking face. “Oh no, they got our pictures,” Marvin whispered, horrified. As they were guided into a lavish palace made almost entirely of jelly-like material, the crew was greeted by a full band of alien musicians playing what could only be described as “cosmic jazz”—an atonal racket of screeching sounds that Quinn was fairly certain would haunt him forever. The palace walls wobbled like gelatin as they passed, and Ensign Marvin couldn’t resist poking at one, causing it to jiggle wildly. “Stop that!” Quinn hissed. “Captain!” Marvin whispered back, poking again. “It’s bouncy.” They finally arrived in a vast, glittering throne room where a larger-than-life throne sat at the far end, surrounded by fountains of bubbling, neon-green liquid. On the throne sat Princess Yabitha, an eight-foot-tall alien with pink skin, six arms, and a beaming smile that revealed an alarming number of fangs. “Captain Quinn Montrose of Earth!” she bellowed, her voice reverberating across the hall. “You are even more handsome than I dreamed.” Quinn did a double-take, trying to come up with something diplomatic to say. “Uh, thank you, your... Princessness?” She clapped her hands, causing a dozen gnomes to rush forward with trays of food that looked suspiciously alive. One tray held a tentacled creature that seemed to be winking at Quinn, while another held something he could only describe as “questionable pudding.” “To celebrate our union!” Yabitha announced, reaching out with all six arms to pluck different foods from the trays. “Captain Montrose, eat!” “Actually,” Quinn stammered, “I’m, uh, on a diet.” She frowned, her eyes narrowing. “Diet?” “Uh... Earthling tradition,” he said quickly. “We must remain trim before marriage. It’s... sacred.” Yabitha nodded solemnly, as if he had shared the wisdom of the ages. “Then let us proceed with the ceremony!” Quinn’s heart sank. He hadn’t realized that pretending to be on a diet would escalate the situation. “There’s no need to rush, Princess! Maybe a nice courtship first? Get to know each other?” “Oh, nonsense!” she said with a throaty laugh. “This union was foretold by the stars! And once we bond, our planets will be forever united in peace!” Mox coughed, muttering, “I don’t think Earth got that memo.” A priest of some kind stepped forward, draped in a shimmering, sequin-studded robe, and began chanting in a language that sounded like an alien kazoo. Before Quinn could protest, Yabitha extended a hand (or maybe it was a claw?) and gripped his shoulder firmly, making escape look very unlikely. Just as the priest reached the climax of his chant, the floor rumbled, and the palace began to shake. Alarms blared, and Glorvik rushed in, waving his arms frantically. “Supreme Celebrator!” Yabitha yelled. “Explain this disruption!” “Princess! It’s a terrible, uninvited guest!” Glorvik screeched. “The Dread Lord Blorp has arrived!” Yabitha gasped, her six hands fluttering dramatically. “Not Blorp! He’s the most feared bachelor in the galaxy!” Mox muttered to Quinn, “Looks like you’re about to have some competition.” Before Quinn could respond, a massive figure entered the room. The Dread Lord Blorp, a muscular alien covered in chrome armor, surveyed the room, his many eyes landing on Quinn. He narrowed all six of his eye stalks. “So, this is the Earthling who thinks he can marry the Princess of Zorblax?” Blorp boomed, his voice dripping with disdain. Quinn gulped. “I really didn’t—” “Silence, Earth scum!” Blorp thundered. “I, Dread Lord Blorp, am her one true match. And I challenge you to a duel!” Quinn’s eyes widened. “A duel? For marriage?” “Exactly!” Blorp growled. “Standard Zorblaxian tradition.” Mox nodded, trying not to laugh. “You did say you wanted to learn the customs, Captain.” Yabitha clapped in delight, practically swooning as she watched the two men prepare. “Oh, a duel for my heart! This is just so romantic!” Quinn sighed, already resigned. “Fine. Let’s just get this over with.” Blorp raised a blaster and aimed at Quinn. The crew scattered, Piper diving behind her peace lilies for cover. But just as Blorp fired, Marvin, ever the curious one, lunged for the control panel near the wall, pressing random buttons in a panic. One of them activated a hidden door beneath Blorp, and the Dread Lord fell through the floor, his screams echoing as he disappeared into what could only be described as the “Pit of Inconvenient Transportation.” The room fell silent as everyone processed what had just happened. Yabitha looked between Quinn and the now-empty pit, a mixture of awe and admiration lighting her face. “Captain Montrose! You vanquished Dread Lord Blorp with such skill! Truly, you are the bravest warrior I’ve ever known!” Quinn blinked, trying to process the accidental victory. “I... guess so?” Yabitha pulled him into a rib-crushing hug with all six of her arms. “I have never been so smitten in all my seventy-nine quazort cycles!” Before he could respond, the priest continued the chanting, faster this time, and sealed the ceremony with a flourish. The room erupted in cheers, and gnomes began throwing confetti that seemed to stick to everything. Quinn’s crew gathered around him, each holding back laughter. Mox raised an eyebrow. “Well, Captain, congratulations on the marriage. How does it feel?” “I think I need a vacation,” Quinn muttered, staring at his new wife, who was dancing exuberantly and calling him her “squishy warrior of love.” Piper offered him a peace lily, her face earnest. “This will help, Captain.” Quinn accepted it, wondering if the plant might have some magical ability to erase memories. The festivities continued, and just as Quinn resigned himself to his fate as alien royalty, a loud beeping echoed through the palace. Glorvik gasped, holding up a scanner. “It’s the Earthling’s spaceship—your planet is hailing you!” Yabitha looked at Quinn with tearful eyes. “Are you... leaving?” Quinn held her many hands, genuinely at a loss for words. “Duty calls, Princess. But know this: you’ll always be my... my... first alien wife?” She sniffed, overcome. “Farewell, my brave warrior. You will always have a place here.” As they retreated to the shuttle, the crew exchanged silent looks, holding back laughter until they were out of earshot. Once inside, Marvin couldn’t hold it any longer and burst out laughing, followed by the others. “Captain,” Mox said, gasping for air, “what are you going to tell command?” Quinn shrugged, looking out the window as the bizarrely romantic planet of Zorblax faded into the distance. “I’ll tell them... the truth.” Piper smirked. “That you saved the galaxy from a dangerous bachelor by accidentally getting married?” Quinn groaned, chuckling despite himself. “Fine. Maybe I’ll leave out a few details.”