The Worst Planets to Visit When You Have Diarrhea

The worst planets to visit when you have diarrhea are Venus, Jupiter, and the one whose name already makes you smirk.

Space is the worst possible place to have the runs.

Every planet out there is trying to murder you, and not one keeps a spare roll behind the toilet.

Your colon has an emergency.

The cosmos could not care less.

Space forgot to pack a toilet

Before you blame any single planet, understand that space itself hates your bowels.

Out there, no gravity keeps your business heading where God intended it to go.

NASA spent six years and $23 million building a space toilet that runs purely on suction.

It had to.

In zero gravity, what leaves your body does not fall down. It goes exploring.

On Apollo 10, an astronaut keyed the radio and announced, “there’s a turd floating through the air.”

All three men instantly swore it wasn’t theirs.

Three decorated heroes, a quarter million miles from home, playing hot potato with a rogue dookie.

And it has been worse than one stray offender. An Apollo 8 astronaut came down with full diarrhea mid-mission, sharing a capsule the size of a hall closet with two coworkers.

So this isn’t a thought experiment.

It’s a documented federal disaster with a paper trail.

Early astronauts were even fed low-fiber diets for days before launch to prevent this exact catastrophe.

That’s how seriously the smartest people alive take a bad day up there.

Today’s toilets fix it with fans that cremate your waste in the atmosphere, where it burns up like a shooting star.

Make a wish.

Now take that nightmare and set the destination on fire.

Venus rains battery acid, which is at least on theme

Venus is what happens when a planet skips therapy for four billion years.

It’s the hottest world in the solar system, cruising at 900 degrees under 93 times Earth’s air pressure.

That would flatten you like a disappointed parent, and before your first cramp even finished.

It also rains sulfuric acid.

So your emergency and the local weather would finally agree on something.

The one mercy is that the acid rain politely evaporates before it can ever reach the ground.

It’s the most considerate thing on the entire planet, and it is still acid.

A single day on Venus lasts longer than its whole year, and to top it off the sun rises in the west.

So one bathroom trip could outlive your marriage, your mortgage, and the sun’s basic sense of direction.

The Soviets sent down probe after probe.

Venus cooked every last one like a rotisserie chicken.

Your bowels wouldn’t survive. Your reputation wouldn’t either.

Jupiter has no floor, and your timing is terrible

Jupiter has one fatal flaw for a man in your predicament.

It has no solid surface at all, and it spins faster than any planet in the sky.

You wouldn’t find a bathroom. You’d fall through screaming gas for thousands of miles, clenching the whole way.

Worse, the planet is turning fast enough to spin you into your own centrifuge.

And hanging over all of it is the Great Red Spot, a storm wider than Earth that has raged for centuries.

Jupiter has out-suffered you for 350 straight years, and still won’t lend you a stall.

Some hosts simply refuse to read the room, even from inside a storm the size of a planet.

And then there’s Uranus

You knew.

You’ve known this whole time.

Scientists confirmed the clouds of Uranus are hydrogen sulfide, the gas that makes rotten eggs smell like rotten eggs.

It’s the same compound behind human flatulence.

The planet beat you to your own punchline by about two billion years.

One scientist warned that any human descending into Uranus would be met with “very unpleasant and odiferous conditions.”

That’s also the one-star review of every gas station bathroom off every interstate.

It’s the one planet you’d actually improve.

You cannot stink up a place already this committed to the bit.

Show up to Uranus with the runs and the planet just nods slowly, like it’s finally meeting an equal.

It’s the one destination in the sky that respects your work.

Dishonorable mentions

The rest of the neighborhood isn’t rolling out a welcome mat with a bidet on it either.

Neptune has the fastest winds in the solar system, over 1,200 miles per hour, so anything that leaves your body immediately becomes regional weather.
Saturn is less dense than water and would float in a big enough bathtub, which takes real nerve from a planet with no bathroom in it.
Mars gets dust storms that swallow the whole planet for months. So does your aftermath.
Mercury can’t decide between oven and freezer, leaving you constipated and explosive on the same afternoon.

Not one has plumbing. Every last one has opinions.