The health benefits of never blinking are the wellness industry’s most closely guarded secret, mostly because everyone who discovered them dried their eyeballs into raisins before they could file the paperwork. Blinking is a scam. Big Eyelid doesn’t want you awake for this part. Your eyes slam shut roughly 15,000 times a day, which is…
Your drawer is already outperforming the S&P Somewhere in the kitchen is a drawer that refuses to close all the way, and inside it sits an entire financial future. It holds ketchup packets, four dead pens, and a birthday candle shaped like the number 4. Forget the pens. The sauce is the play. Heinz alone…
Somewhere in America, a man named Gary is 41 hot dogs deep, and his stomach is drafting a resignation letter. You are sitting next to Gary. Competitive eaters call vomiting a “reversal of fortune,” which is a very polite name for a man’s lunch making a break for freedom in front of 400 people and…
Baby names inspired by fast food menu items are exactly what they sound like, and yes, people do this stone-cold sober. The drive-thru is not a restaurant. It is a baptismal font with a speaker box. Somewhere, a child named after a burrito thrives. Her name is Chalupa. She has better credit than you. The…
Somewhere around thirty-two, you leaned into a bright mirror and discovered your upper lip had quietly been keeping secrets from you. Proper mustache care for women in their thirties starts with one deranged idea. The fuzz up there is not your enemy, and roughly 40% of women carry some unwanted facial hair, according to dermatologists…
You play the harmonica with a mouthful of pudding the same way you play it empty: keep the harp deep, keep your lips loose, and pray to whatever god handles dairy. The only difference is that now every wrong note leaves the stage as a fine mist of butterscotch. It sounds like a bar bet…
