Cheap tequila starts making decisions somewhere between the third pour and the moment you tell a stranger they have an old soul. The signs the cheap tequila is about to start making decisions never really change. Standards drift early. The phone leaves your pocket like a gun in act two, and everyone at the table…
The waiting room is where the damage gets done. The exam takes about two minutes, most of it spent making small talk with a woman who has looked at more cervixes than you have looked at anything. The nine things you should never do while waiting for a Pap smear are all things people do…
Somewhere in a Wendy’s right now, two grown adults are sitting eighteen inches apart with their pants around their ankles, both pretending the other one does not exist. That mutual lie is the load-bearing wall of American civilization. The fun ways to annoy the person in the next bathroom stall all work by kicking that…
A hot tub is roughly 400 gallons of warm water shared by adults who did not shower, held at precisely the temperature a laboratory would have chosen on purpose. The 11 things nobody wants to find floating in a hot tub are the ones that turn a party into a silent investigation. Everyone starts doing…
The best lies to tell when someone asks why your hands are sticky are boring, edible, and out of your mouth in under three seconds. Honey. A peach. A juice box that went off like a claymore in the passenger seat. Nobody in recorded history has followed up on a peach. The instinct is to…
Buy the bird last, leave it in its factory bag, hide it inside a coat with an interior pocket, and sit on the aisle in the back row. That is how you sneak a full rotisserie chicken into a movie theater, and it works most of the time. The rest of the time it leaks….