There is a moment in every American cheapskate’s life when the hospital bill arrives and his eye begins twitching. He looks at the deductible. He looks at the garage. He thinks, “How hard could it be?” The answer is: harder than installing a transmission while drunk, and considerably less photogenic. A colonoscopy sounds simple until…
“Hold my beer” is not the punchline. The punchline is a neighbor describing a thumb in wet grass to a dispatcher. Nobody puts the can down. The can is load-bearing. Half the firework blast patients at one California trauma center were drunk. Ninety percent turned up with a hand missing pieces of itself. Your Beer…
Cheating at nursing home bingo without getting caught takes a steady dabber hand, a selectively broken hearing aid, and the moral flexibility of a used-car salesman at a funeral. The prize is a Snickers bar. The stakes are somehow higher than a Senate confirmation hearing, and the crowd is meaner. Roughly 1.2 million residents live…
The best plasma selling tips to fund your Black Friday shopping spree come down to timing, water, and not eating a bacon cheeseburger like it owes you money. Start five weeks early. Drink like a fish at an open bar, but only water. Selling plasma means a licensed center pulls the yellow part of your…
Bacteria on the back of your stepdad’s tongue are digesting protein and belching out volatile sulfur compounds, mainly hydrogen sulfide and methyl mercaptan. Those gases account for about 90% of the smell in halitosis. Translated into English, his mouth is a compost bin with strong opinions about the thermostat. The hot dog note comes from…
Spray tan warning signs before you look like a traffic cone show up early, usually while you are still fully clothed and still capable of leaving. They arrive as a mystery jug and a bored technician. They arrive as a shade chart with three settings that all sound like energy drinks. Miss them and your…