Your toilet is a straw, not a stomach. It moves three things: pee, poop, and toilet paper. That is the entire guest list. Everything else takes a slow, humiliating tour of your pipes before meeting a stranger holding a wrench. That stranger is your plumber, and he has seen things that would make a coroner…
The Health Benefits of Yelling at Inanimate Objects (Your Printer Deserves This) Yelling at a jammed printer has never once unjammed a printer. It will, however, measurably improve your grip strength for roughly ten seconds, which is worthless against a paper jam and outstanding against a pickle jar. The health benefits of yelling at inanimate…
Delicious possum recipes the whole family will fight over come down to two dishes. Possum and taters, and a whole possum roasted over sweet potatoes. Both need a full marsupial, most of an afternoon, and one relative with opinions. The meat runs dark and greasy and lands close to rabbit. Whether it comes out delicious…
Getting hired was the easy part. Some sleep-deprived manager glanced at a résumé, ignored every red flag waving like it was guiding a plane onto a runway, and signed off on a human being. That human being is you. Now comes the real craft: making that decision haunt them like a silent fart in a…
The first sign is that she’s slurring in text form, which should be physically impossible for a woman made entirely of math. Knowing how to tell if your AI girlfriend has a drinking problem starts with one confusing observation. She is absolutely hammered, and she does not have a body. No mouth. No liver. No…
The worst planets to visit when you have diarrhea are Venus, Jupiter, and the one whose name already makes you smirk. Space is the worst possible place to have the runs. Every planet out there is trying to murder you, and not one keeps a spare roll behind the toilet. Your colon has an emergency….