The best places to hide from your wife inside a Walmart are the Auto Care Center, the garden center, the fishing aisle, and one spot she’ll never suspect: family planning. Everywhere else is a trap. The car is a trap with cupholders. Science supports the urge to run. Men get bored after just 26 minutes…
Winter survival tips for people living in a porta potty boil down to four rules. Trap body heat, keep the tank liquid, light nothing, and lower your standards to ankle height. Rent is up, dating is down, and the housing market has finally found its bottom. It’s plastic, it’s blue, and it smells like a…
Learning how to eat an entire rotisserie chicken while skydiving blindfolded comes down to one rule: most of the bird goes down under the parachute, not in freefall. Freefall is a minute of screaming. The canopy ride is several quiet minutes of chewing, dangling, and making direct eye contact with nobody, because you’re blindfolded and…
A freshly extracted wisdom tooth is a bloody little souvenir from the day a stranger shoved his whole hand in your mouth and billed your insurance for it. The 7 party tricks you can do with a freshly extracted wisdom tooth turn that souvenir into a bar bet, a hedge fund, a Ouija board, and…
The best McDonald’s items for people recovering from hemorrhoid surgery are the Fruit & Maple Oatmeal, Apple Slices, a Filet-O-Fish, and a water the size of a paint bucket. Everything else on the menu is a hostage negotiation with your own butthole. Hemorrhoids hit about half of adults older than age 50, so the drive-thru…
That college fund has sat in a drawer for years, silently judging you. Meanwhile a single year at a private college now runs about $45,000, which is real, spendable, beer-shaped money. That is two divorces. Or, alternatively, one unforgettable weekend in Reno. Your kid is four, eats crayons, and just lost a staring contest to…