Being covered in baby oil turns an ordinary adult into a human eel with a LinkedIn account. Almost nothing you normally do stays legal, safe, or socially survivable once you’ve gone full glazed doughnut. The honest answer is short: do less, touch nothing, apologize early. The longer answer involves your couch, a condom that didn’t…
A limo is a couch that drinks. It is the only party that pulls over when somebody needs to pee, and the only one where the staff drives you home afterward and asks if you had a nice night. Fun things to do in a limo run from the wholesome to the kind of thing…
The worst places to practice your bagpipe solo at 6 a.m. are any building where humans are currently unconscious, any building where humans are trying to become unconscious, and the great outdoors. That covers apartments, hospitals, hotels, campgrounds, office parks, and your in-laws’ guest room. The Great Highland bagpipe has no volume knob. It has…
Eating a microwave burrito at a public urinal is a two-hand job assigned to a man with one hand free. The math never resolves. Everything below is damage control. Somebody is attempting this right now, at a rest stop off Interstate 80, and that person deserves a manual instead of a stranger’s stare. Learning how…
Trampoline Park Rules for Adults Over 35 (Your Pelvic Floor Has Notes) 8 min read Trampoline park rules for adults over 35 start with the posted ones: one jumper per trampoline, no double bouncing, no flips, grip socks on, pockets empty. Then there is the second list, which nobody prints on the wall. It gets…
A 1.75L bottle of Jack Daniel’s carries roughly 3,850 calories, start to finish, cork to catastrophe. So when you ask how many calories are in a 1.75L bottle of Jack Daniel’s, the honest answer is: enough to make your smartwatch call a lawyer. That’s the handle. The big one. The bottle you buy when the…