Smuggling booze into the office in a baby bottle works for exactly one reason: not a single coworker will ever find the spine to ask why a 41-year-old man owns one. The method is gloriously stupid and refreshingly simple. You fill a nursery bottle with the adult beverage of your choosing and twist on a…
Your tongue feels like a gym sock that lost a bar fight. Your liver has hired a lawyer and is filing for emancipation. Somewhere in the last 72 hours you texted your ex, your landlord, and a Wendy’s drive-thru speaker you mistook for a priest. It is now 6:58 a.m. and you have to convince…
Looking extremely busy while doing absolutely nothing at work is the closest thing most adults have to a superpower. And wanting it does not make you a freak. In one survey of 1,000 full-time employees, 83% admitted to at least one act of performative work in the past year. The other 17% were lying to…
Some baby names sound like poetry. Others sound like the thing that dinged at 2 a.m. because the rinse cycle finished. The 17 baby names that sound like kitchen appliances below are all one showroom catalog away from a lawsuit. And every one of them has landed on a real birth certificate somewhere, printed by…
There is a specific kind of hubris that belongs to a person standing in front of a time machine, holding an EpiPen in one hand and a crumpled tissue in the other, thinking: “Yeah. This will go fine.” That person is you. And no, it will not go fine. Solo time travel tips for people…
Here are the only DIY vasectomy tips for single dads that will not end with a paramedic learning your first name: don’t. Put down whatever you were about to reach for. Back away from your own groin slowly, like it’s a raccoon that got into the garage and now has opinions. You are a single…