A spaceship just landed in the Walmart parking lot. Something is climbing out of it, it is wet, and it is staring directly at you with whatever it uses for eyes. This is the moment the whole species has waited for. Try not to torch it in the first eight seconds like a true ambassador…
Selling roadkill meat out of your trunk is illegal in all fifty states. That is somehow the least of your worries. The bigger worries are sweating quietly in the back of a Corolla. Most of them have flies. The margins look incredible until you remember the inventory is a raccoon that lost an argument with…
You cannot milk a chipmunk. Chipmunks are not dairy animals. They are forest-dwelling con artists with the body mass of a Ritz cracker and the temperament of a divorce attorney. And yet, here you are. Which means somewhere between high school graduation and right now, several specific things went wrong. Here’s what to know before…
Getting caught sleeping at work is not a career death sentence. It is an audition. What to say when the boss catches you sleeping at work comes down to one ugly truth. The words matter far less than the confidence carrying them. You could recite the company mission statement word for word, but do it…
There is a polite way to tell your urologist his hands are too cold. It mostly involves speaking up before your nervous system does it for you, loudly, in a register only dogs can hear. The short version: warm words from your mouth before the morgue-drawer breadsticks make contact. Your body is going to snitch…
The reason you shouldn’t use a leaf blower indoors is simple: the thing doesn’t clean a room, it assaults one. It is a 200-mph apology to everyone downstairs. And yet the urge is real, and it lives in the dumbest, most beautiful part of the human brain. Somewhere right now a grown man is standing…