There are seven things you should never say to a mall Santa’s beard, and most shoppers blurt out four before the elf finds the camera. Don’t ask to pull it. Don’t call it fake. Don’t mention crumbs, Mrs. Claus, its hourly rate, conditioner, or the word “shave.” That beard is a load-bearing employee with union…
Nobody is going to tell you that you smell like a Yankee Candle outlet caught fire inside a Nissan Altima. They will just stop standing near you. The signs you are wearing way too much cologne rarely arrive as words. They arrive as body language. The half step back. The pinched nostril. The window cracked…
Your stepdad hides beef jerky in the toilet tank because it’s the one vault in the house nobody else will touch. Not you. Not your mom. Not even the dog, and that dog eats tampons. Somewhere right now, a grown man in cargo shorts is lifting a toilet lid like it’s the Ark of the…
Knowing how to explain to your landlord why the bathtub is full of coleslaw comes down to speed and honesty. Say it early and plainly. And never, under any circumstances, use the phrase “it’s a lifestyle.” Everything after that is damage control for a porcelain tub that now smells like the armpit of a church…
Somewhere in the Caribbean right now, a grown man in a lanyard is power-walking past a chocolate fountain with the face of someone receiving a prophecy. He has about eleven minutes of dignity left and he intends to spend every one of them hunting for an elevator that is currently holding a wedding party. The…
Your septic tank guy knows what you eat, roughly how much you drink, how many people sleep in your house, and whether the word “flushable” has ever personally fooled you. He knows because a septic tank is not a hole in the yard. It is a filing system with a lid on it. Heavy things…