The worst places to practice your bagpipe solo at 6 a.m. are any building where humans are currently unconscious, any building where humans are trying to become unconscious, and the great outdoors. That covers apartments, hospitals, hotels, campgrounds, office parks, and your in-laws’ guest room. The Great Highland bagpipe has no volume knob. It has…
Eating a microwave burrito at a public urinal is a two-hand job assigned to a man with one hand free. The math never resolves. Everything below is damage control. Somebody is attempting this right now, at a rest stop off Interstate 80, and that person deserves a manual instead of a stranger’s stare. Learning how…
Trampoline Park Rules for Adults Over 35 (Your Pelvic Floor Has Notes) 8 min read Trampoline park rules for adults over 35 start with the posted ones: one jumper per trampoline, no double bouncing, no flips, grip socks on, pockets empty. Then there is the second list, which nobody prints on the wall. It gets…
A 1.75L bottle of Jack Daniel’s carries roughly 3,850 calories, start to finish, cork to catastrophe. So when you ask how many calories are in a 1.75L bottle of Jack Daniel’s, the honest answer is: enough to make your smartwatch call a lawyer. That’s the handle. The big one. The bottle you buy when the…
So you’ve looked at your home, your loved ones, and your dignity, and thought, “All of this could be lottery tickets.” Welcome. You’re among friends. Disgraceful, financially doomed friends, but friends. The best high-value items to pawn for lottery ticket money are the ones heavy enough to matter and light enough to carry while a…
There is a breed of human who reads a four-figure dinner bill and quietly chooses death. Faking a massive heart attack to skip a huge dinner bill is the most theatrical way ever invented to dodge splitting an appetizer. It is cowardly, illegal, and morally bankrupt. It is also, regrettably, the funniest thing you will…