Somewhere in the Caribbean right now, a grown man in a lanyard is power-walking past a chocolate fountain with the face of someone receiving a prophecy. He has about eleven minutes of dignity left and he intends to spend every one of them hunting for an elevator that is currently holding a wedding party. The…
Your septic tank guy knows what you eat, roughly how much you drink, how many people sleep in your house, and whether the word “flushable” has ever personally fooled you. He knows because a septic tank is not a hole in the yard. It is a filing system with a lid on it. Heavy things…
So the little bastard turned another year older. Congratulations are technically in order, for a person who does not have a body, a birth certificate, or the decency to exist. Throwing a surprise party for your imaginary friend is simple. You plan the whole thing yourself, you show up, and you act shocked on their…
The printed date is a manufacturer’s opinion about flavor. Your nose is a wet biological sensor that has been rating garbage since before anyone invented pants. Neither one should be running a kitchen unsupervised. With one exception, the date on a package describes quality, not safety. The sniff test catches rot, and rot is the…
The best Thanksgiving dinner ideas for people in a coma are liquid, drama-free and delivered through a feeding tube, because the guest of honor has officially retired from chewing. It is the only person at the table getting stuffed without anybody buying them a drink first. Anything headed into that tube gets cleared by the…
The 13 foods that will find your canker sore immediately are the acidic ones, the spicy ones, the pointy ones, and the ones your immune system has beef with. A canker sore is an open ulcer on the soft tissue inside your mouth. It has no skin on it. It is a raw nerve wearing…