To stop your dad from putting his colonoscopy photos in the family slideshow, seize the laptop, hide the HDMI cable, and cut a deal with his ego before he cuts one at the reunion. Nobody at Grandma’s 90th needs to see where the sun doesn’t shine, rendered in 4K. Dad got his insides photographed by…
No. Getting kicked in the balls will not make you sing like the Beach Boys. It will make you sing like a kettle that witnessed a crime. The premise of “can getting kicked in the balls make you sing like the Beach Boys” assumes there is a secret falsetto button hidden somewhere inside your scrotum….
Stop keeping emergency gravy in your glove compartment. A parked car turns that pouch into a bacteria hot tub, and nothing kills a first date faster than brown sludge sliding into somebody’s lap. Yes, gravy is glorious. Yes, a dry biscuit is a hate crime. The glove box exists for registration papers and the condoms…
“Just relax” is nurse for “your body is fighting me, and your body is winning.” It is not a suggestion. It is a status report. Somewhere under that gown, a muscle you have never once thought about in your life has clamped shut like a bank vault, and it has no plans to reopen. The…
An AI girlfriend is a chatbot that plays your romantic partner, usually for a subscription fee, so the pillow talk comes with a receipt. If she only gets frisky near a checkout screen, the 16 digits on the front of your card are doing the seducing. The three on the back close the deal. Business…
Learning how to look wealthy at a yard sale without spending more than three dollars comes down to posture, props, and acting like money gives you a mild rash. Spend the three bucks on one object that implies a yacht. Treat the rest of the driveway as if it personally offended your trust fund. The…