Getting hired was the easy part. Some sleep-deprived manager glanced at a résumé, ignored every red flag waving like it was guiding a plane onto a runway, and signed off on a human being. That human being is you. Now comes the real craft: making that decision haunt them like a silent fart in a…
The best places to hide your hemorrhoid cream at work are a bag you personally carry, a drawer that locks, or the glovebox of your car. Everywhere else is a coin flip with your dignity. That tube is small and shaped like a fire extinguisher for a very specific emergency. It has never once blended…
Smuggling booze into the office in a baby bottle works for exactly one reason: not a single coworker will ever find the spine to ask why a 41-year-old man owns one. The method is gloriously stupid and refreshingly simple. You fill a nursery bottle with the adult beverage of your choosing and twist on a…
Your tongue feels like a gym sock that lost a bar fight. Your liver has hired a lawyer and is filing for emancipation. Somewhere in the last 72 hours you texted your ex, your landlord, and a Wendy’s drive-thru speaker you mistook for a priest. It is now 6:58 a.m. and you have to convince…
Looking extremely busy while doing absolutely nothing at work is the closest thing most adults have to a superpower. And wanting it does not make you a freak. In one survey of 1,000 full-time employees, 83% admitted to at least one act of performative work in the past year. The other 17% were lying to…
Somewhere in an open-plan office right now, a man in a quarter-zip is convinced his company laptop is a money printer. He is wrong. He is also forty minutes from a meeting with HR that he thinks is about parking. So here’s the deal, you beautiful financial disaster. You want to know how to use…