Category: Health

So you found a lump. And now you're three hours deep into WebMD, standing sideways in your bathroom mirror like you're auditioning for a Picasso painting, convinced you have approximately 48 hours...

So apparently this is a thing now. People—actual human beings with jobs and mortgages—are out here telling other people to eat cigarette butts for hiccups. This is where we are as a species....

So your kidneys decided to quit. No two weeks' notice, no exit interview, just straight-up ghosted you like a bad Tinder date. Now you're spending twelve hours a week attached to a machine that...

Alright, let's do this. Your butthole's been acting like a teenage goth kid lately and everyone's pretending not to notice. The moody silences. The dramatic outbursts at inappropriate times. That...

So you're lying there in that paper gown that somehow manages to cover nothing while simultaneously making you sweat like you're in a sauna, and suddenly it hits you: those aren't just quirky...

Disclaimer: This is satire. Do not intentionally acquire parasites. They're called parasites for a reason, and it's not because they're helpful. So you've tried everything. Keto left you dreaming...