You play the harmonica with a mouthful of pudding the same way you play it empty: keep the harp deep, keep your lips loose, and pray to whatever god handles dairy. The only difference is that now every wrong note leaves the stage as a fine mist of butterscotch. It sounds like a bar bet…
Learning how to eat a bowl of soup while skydiving is simple. Open mouth. Pour. Pray. That’s the whole technique, and it works about as well as a screen door on a submarine. Because the second you exit that plane, gravity and a bowl of minestrone form a labor union, and their only demand is…
Talking like Hulk Hogan comes down to three things: a voice like a cement mixer, the unshakable belief that your arms are tourist attractions, and the word “brother” deployed roughly every four seconds. The catchphrases and promo tips matter. But they are the frosting. The cake is pure weapons-grade confidence, baked at 400 degrees in…
You have soiled yourself. The venue is public. There are witnesses, and one of them is a child who will describe this to a therapist someday. Your first instinct will be to confess. Strangle that instinct in its crib. Confession is for mistakes that can be fixed. This one cannot. What you are running now…
Every pair of underwear on earth is involved in a slow, silent negotiation with the person wearing it. The underwear wants to retire. The person wants one more day. This is a conflict older than democracy and significantly less well-documented. Knowing when to change your underwear should be instinctive, like blinking or flinching when someone…
So you want to be an author. That’s beautiful. That’s brave. That’s also statistically one of the worst financial decisions a person can make, right up there with buying a timeshare or trusting a guy named Crypto Steve. But who cares about statistics when there’s a story that needs to be told? Here’s the thing…