Licking an electric socket is the fastest way to turn your own face into a science fair project. The short version: a wet tongue plus 120 volts equals your heart filing for early retirement, and the wall does not care about your feelings. Still, the temptation lurks. That little plastic face on the wall has…
Nobody handed you a rulebook when you walked in. There’s no orientation video. No pamphlet titled “So You’ve Decided to Stop Being a Disaster: A Beginner’s Guide.” You just showed up, grabbed some questionable coffee from a styrofoam cup, and hoped for the best. But somehow, SOMEHOW, people still manage to absolutely fumble this. So…
Winning: How to Be Happy by Lowering Every Standard You Have Somewhere right now, someone is journaling their gratitude while doing sun salutations at 5 AM. That person is a liar. Nobody’s actually grateful at 5 AM. At 5 AM, humans are supposed to be unconscious, dreaming about showing up to work naked or whatever…
Steve’s turning purple again. Right there. Between the wilted salad bar and that chocolate fountain nobody should trust. Making that face—you know the one. Like a fish discovering air isn’t optional. This Is Your Life Now Funny thing about having an imaginary friend who’s actively choking: nobody else gives a shit. That waitress refilling the…
Alright. Sit down. We need to talk. It’s 3 AM. You’re out of toothpaste. And somewhere in that sleep-deprived brain, a neuron misfires and suggests that bottle of Sriracha might work. No. Absolutely not. Here’s why this is the worst idea you’ve had since… actually, this might just be the worst idea, period. 1. Your…
Look at you. Reading an article about not eating crayons. This is what Tuesday night has become. That 64-pack is giving you feelings. Inappropriate feelings. Burnt Umber is looking like a forbidden snack and frankly, that’s between you and whatever deity you believe in. But fine. Let’s do this. 1. News Flash: Art Supplies Aren’t…
