Fun Things to Do in a Limo

A limo is a couch that drinks.

It is the only party that pulls over when somebody needs to pee, and the only one where the staff drives you home afterward and asks if you had a nice night.

Fun things to do in a limo run from the wholesome to the kind of thing whispered about at a christening eleven months later.

The real skill is wringing maximum joy out of the ninety minutes before your card gets politely declined.

It never requires a special occasion.

It just needs snacks and friends with spectacularly poor impulse control.

Fun Things to Do in a Limo Start at the Tiny Bar

Every limo comes with a small bar, which is the legal minimum amount of bar required to make grown adults start calling each other “bro.”

There is champagne chilling in a bucket.

You will drink it at forty miles an hour on the freeway, and it will somehow be the best champagne of your life.

Someone will try to build a cocktail using only what is in the door.

That person will invent a beverage that tastes like blue curaçao and regret, then insist that everyone take a sip.

Pace yourself, then ignore that advice the instant the ice starts melting.

The seats are leather, for forensic reasons.

The Sunroof Will Try to Kill You (Do It Anyway)

At some point the sunroof opens and a hero is born.

Standing up through the roof of a moving limo is the closest most people will ever get to feeling like a politician at a parade, minus the dignity and the motorcade.

Wind in the hair. Drink in the hand. Top half fully committed to oncoming traffic.

Gravity and a low overpass, however, remain undefeated.

Keep one limb inside the vehicle at all times, and keep an eye on your wig.

The sunroof is where a person’s confidence goes to meet a low tree branch.

Karaoke for an Audience That Cannot Legally Leave

A limo is the one venue on Earth where nobody can escape your singing voice.

The sound system was engineered for bass, and it will instead play the same four songs until the driver quietly updates his résumé.

Nobody in the car can sing.

You will discover this together, as a family, somewhere around the second chorus.

There is always one passenger who knows every word to a rap song from 2009.

He will perform it at full volume with his eyes shut, and he will not be taking requests.

Behind the Partition, Anything Goes

There is a sheet of tinted glass between the passengers and the driver.

It rises for a reason every adult understands and nobody says out loud.

A limo date is romance for two people who find restaurants too well lit and patience overrated.

The mood lighting flatters everyone at 1 a.m. and absolutely no one by morning.

Whatever unfolds back there stays back there, largely because the cleaning crew has signed something.

Keep it classy.

Classy here means keeping it off the ceiling, because somebody has to ride in this exact spot tomorrow morning for a quinceañera.

Your Driver Has Seen Everything

Your chauffeur has seen things.

He has seen so many things that nothing you attempt tonight will crack his personal top fifty.

He has watched a bachelorette party lose exactly one shoe and never once go looking for it.

He has overheard confessions a priest would charge extra to absolve.

He knows which one of you is going to cry tonight, and roughly when.

So tip the man generously.

He is not just driving a vehicle. He is the only sober witness to the worst and loudest version of you, and he is graciously choosing not to testify.

The dashcam, for the record, is always rolling.

Behave back there. Or at the very least, be entertaining.

Snacks Are Not Optional

Bring food, the kind that absorbs four cocktails and zero good ideas.

By hour two, the floor of the limo is an archaeological dig of cold fries and one earring nobody will ever claim.

What Won’t Survive the Night

The truly great fun things to do in a limo share one feature, and it is a trail of lost personal belongings.

• One shoe. Always exactly one.
• Your voice, somewhere around the third encore of a song that was mediocre to begin with.
• Roughly forty dollars in cash that you will swear, under oath, you never had on you.
• Dignity.
• The phone charger and the sunglasses, plus an unread group text from the friend you accidentally left at the second bar.

The Wine Tour Is a Beautiful Lie

A limo wine tour sounds sophisticated.

In practice, it is the only legal way to taste eleven wines across four counties and safely remember none of them.

You will nod thoughtfully at a vineyard and say the word “notes” with total confidence.

Then you will buy three bottles of something unpronounceable that you will never once open.

The city tour version works the same way. You get to see the town exactly the way the town sees you: briefly, through very dark glass.

Worth Every Penny You Will Not Get Back

The limo shows up spotless. It does not leave that way.

That is not a disaster. By limo standards, it is a glowing five-star review.

Eventually the doors open and the night returns you to the curb, a worse and noticeably happier person than the one who climbed in.

The deposit was always going to be a donation. Treat it as the cover charge for the best decisions you will spend all year regretting.