How to Cheat at Poker and Get Away With It

Last Updated on July 7, 2024 by Michael

So you want to cheat at poker and not get thrown out of the casino like a drunken uncle at a wedding? Well, you’ve come to the right place. First things first, you need an ace up your sleeve. Not figuratively, but literally. Get yourself a long-sleeved shirt, preferably one that screams “I didn’t come here to cheat.” Sew a small pocket inside your sleeve where you can stash that ace.

When you’re ready to use it, distract your opponents with a well-timed fart joke or a story about your Aunt Edna’s third nipple. While they’re reeling from your comedic genius, slip that ace out and into your hand.

The trick here is to be smooth. Imagine you’re James Bond, but instead of saving the world, you’re just trying to win enough money to cover your bar tab.

The Art of Misdirection: Or, How to Fake a Seizure

If the ace up your sleeve trick is too cliché for your taste, consider the timeless classic of misdirection. The key to misdirection is to make people look where you want them to look, which is anywhere but at your hands. For instance, fake a seizure. Yes, you read that right.

Mid-game, start twitching and convulsing like a fish out of water. Knock over some chips, spill a drink, maybe even foam at the mouth a little. This will undoubtedly cause a commotion. While everyone is busy trying to figure out if you’re dying or just having a bad reaction to the shrimp cocktail, you can easily swap out your cards.

After you’ve swapped them, make a miraculous recovery. Stand up, brush yourself off, and tell everyone it was just a reaction to your lactose intolerance. People will be so relieved you’re not actually dying, they won’t even notice your hand went from a pair of twos to a royal flush.

Train a Monkey to Signal You

Who says monkeys are only good for throwing poop and looking adorable? With a bit of training, they can be your secret weapon at the poker table. Purchase a small, inconspicuous monkey. Dress it in a tuxedo because a monkey in a tuxedo is less suspicious, obviously.

Train the monkey to recognize the cards and signal you by scratching its nose for high cards or winking for low cards. Sit the monkey on your shoulder like a pirate’s parrot and let it work its magic.

When someone asks why you have a monkey at the poker table, tell them it’s your emotional support animal. In today’s world, nobody questions emotional support animals.

X-Ray Vision: The Power of Technology

Gone are the days when you had to rely on sleight of hand or a monkey in a tuxedo. Welcome to the future of poker cheating: technology. Invest in a pair of x-ray glasses. Yes, they exist. Well, sort of.

Get a pair of specially designed glasses that allow you to see through cards. These glasses are usually marketed to paranoid spouses who want to know if their significant other is hiding something. In this case, you’re just using them to hide your own cheating heart.

Put on the glasses and casually scan the cards. Make sure to “accidentally” drop your phone or spill a drink occasionally to cover up any suspicious glances. If someone asks why you’re wearing sunglasses indoors, tell them you have a rare condition that makes your eyes super sensitive to light. People love a good sob story, and they’ll be too polite to question you further.

Secret Agent Pen

This isn’t just any pen; this is a secret agent pen. Buy a pen that doubles as a card marker. Use invisible ink to mark the cards.

Before the game, offer to “help” the dealer shuffle. While shuffling, subtly mark the cards. As the game progresses, you’ll know exactly which cards to keep and which to discard. The beauty of this method is that even if someone decides to check the cards, they won’t see anything suspicious.

If someone does start to suspect, play dumb. Pretend you’re just really bad at shuffling and accidentally marked the cards. Apologize profusely and offer to buy everyone a round of drinks. People love free drinks and will quickly forget about your suspicious behavior.

Card Counting with a Team of Strippers

Ever seen the movie “21”? Card counting works, but it’s a lot more fun with strippers. Hire a team of strippers who also happen to be math geniuses. They can help you count cards and signal when the deck is hot.

The best part? While everyone is distracted by the strippers, you can focus on counting cards and making strategic bets. Just make sure the strippers are wearing something with plenty of pockets for calculators and other card-counting tools.

Puppy Dog Eyes and Sob Stories

When all else fails, turn on the waterworks. Start telling your opponents a heart-wrenching story about how you’re trying to win money to pay for your dog’s life-saving surgery. Throw in some sniffles, a few tears, and maybe even a picture of a sad-looking puppy for good measure.

People have a hard time being suspicious of someone who’s clearly in emotional distress. While they’re consoling you and offering to help, take advantage of their distraction to cheat like there’s no tomorrow.

Once you’ve won, thank everyone profusely and promise to send them updates on your dog’s recovery. And if anyone gets suspicious later, just send them a fake vet bill.

Hire a Psychic

Why rely on skill or technology when you can hire a psychic? Find a reputable (or not-so-reputable) psychic who can read your opponents’ minds.

Have the psychic sit at a nearby table, pretending to do a reading for another customer. They can use subtle signals like touching their nose or scratching their head to let you know what cards your opponents have.

If anyone asks why you keep looking over at the psychic, just tell them you’re a big fan of spiritual guidance and are seeking advice on your next big life decision. People love a good mystical story and will be too busy rolling their eyes to notice your cheating.

Play Dead

When all else fails, go for the ultimate distraction: fake your own death. Mid-game, clutch your chest and fall to the floor. Make it as dramatic as possible. Convulse, foam at the mouth, and maybe even throw in a few last words like “Tell my wife I loved her.”

While everyone is panicking and trying to figure out what to do, use the chaos to your advantage. Have a trusted accomplice swap out your cards or sneak a peek at your opponents’ hands.

Once the swap is complete, make a miraculous recovery. Stand up, brush yourself off, and tell everyone you had a near-death experience. People will be so relieved you’re not actually dead, they’ll forget all about the game.

Conclusion: The Perfect Exit Strategy

Cheating at poker is an art form that requires creativity, skill, and a healthy dose of absurdity. Whether you’re faking a seizure, training a monkey, or hiring a team of strippers, the key is to keep your opponents distracted and your cool intact.

Just remember, the goal is to have fun and not get caught. If you do get caught, deny everything, blame it on a rare medical condition, or claim you were just trying to win money for your dog’s surgery. People love a good sob story, and they’ll be more likely to forgive you.

So go out there, cheat like a champion, and may the poker gods be ever in your favor.