Last Updated on July 3, 2024 by Michael
Ice cream is delicious, and those extra pounds? They’re just signs of living your best life. But if you’re feeling the summer heat and want to keep those delicious pounds under wraps, we’ve got you covered. Get ready for the most absurdly hilarious fashion tips you’ve ever encountered. Here we go!
Sweatpants are the New Black Tie
Who said sweatpants are just for lounging? Wear them everywhere: weddings, funerals, even when you’re meeting your parole officer. Pair them with a stained tank top for that chic, “I just don’t care” vibe. Add a pair of Crocs, and you’ve got a look that screams high fashion, or at least a high level of comfort. Plus, the elastic waistband gives you all the room you need for extra scoops of cookie dough.
Sweatpants aren’t just versatile; they’re a statement. A statement that says, “I value comfort over societal expectations.” Take that, skinny jeans!
Hide and Chic with XXL Hawaiian Shirts
Nothing says summer like a loud Hawaiian shirt. And the bigger, the better. These beauties are perfect for hiding everything, from your muffin top to your deep-seated emotional issues. Bright, busy patterns distract the eye, so people won’t even notice the extra love handles.
Wear it open with a graphic tee underneath for that laid-back, vacation look. Or button it up and pretend you’re the life of the party at your cousin’s awkward family reunion. Bonus points if you can find a matching set for your partner in crime.
Kaftans: Because Regular Dresses are for Amateurs
Kaftans are basically bedsheets with a neck hole, but who cares? They’re like wearing a hug all day long. The best part? No one can tell what’s going on underneath. You could have a six-pack, or a six-pack of beers – it’s all hidden.
Opt for bright, obnoxious colors and patterns. Think tie-dye, but made by someone who was possibly hallucinating. And if anyone questions your fashion choices, just tell them you’re channeling your inner free spirit. Or that you lost a bet.
Camouflage: Not Just for Hiding in the Woods
Camo isn’t just for hunters and those creepy guys who live off the grid. It’s for everyone who’s trying to blend in at the BBQ while also hiding that triple serving of ribs. Camo shorts, camo tops, camo hats – just go full military mode.
Pro tip: Make sure to accessorize with a fanny pack. Not only will it store your snacks, but it also adds that “I’m ready for anything” look. And by anything, we mean a buffet.
Strategic Use of Giant Sun Hats
A giant sun hat isn’t just for protecting your face from the sun. It’s for hiding your entire existence. The bigger the brim, the better. Not only does it provide shade, but it also creates a personal space barrier, keeping nosy relatives and judgmental strangers at bay.
Pair it with oversized sunglasses to complete the look. Now you’re a mysterious, incognito fashion icon. Or someone who’s just really, really trying to avoid small talk.
Layering Like an Onion
Layers are your best friend. Not only do they hide all manner of sins, but they also give you an excuse to buy more clothes. Start with a basic tank, then add a loose, flowing blouse, followed by an oversized cardigan. Top it off with a scarf that’s big enough to double as a blanket.
Layering works for every occasion. Going to the beach? Throw a kimono over your swimsuit. Heading to a BBQ? Add a lightweight jacket. The possibilities are endless, just like the layers of your favorite dip.
Body Positivity? More Like Body Posi-SHIT-ivity
Let’s get real: body positivity is just an excuse to wear whatever the hell you want. So, why not wear a onesie with a dinosaur print? Or a poncho that looks like it was made from a circus tent? Life’s too short to worry about fashion rules. Break them all.
Don’t just stop at clothes. Accessorize with neon fanny packs, mismatched socks, and shoes that light up. Because if you’re going to be plus-size, you might as well be plus-sized in personality too.
Never Say No to Moo-Moos
Moo-moos are like giant, wearable clouds. They’re perfect for those days when you just can’t deal with waistbands or pants in general. Plus, they come in all sorts of delightful patterns, from floral to “I found this fabric at a garage sale.”
Wear them to the grocery store, the mall, or your kid’s school play. People might stare, but they’re just jealous they didn’t think of it first. And let’s be honest, moo-moos are a power move.
Trash Bags: The Ultimate Statement Piece
When in doubt, go for the trash bag. Yes, you heard right. Nothing says, “I’m too cool for fashion” like literally wearing a trash bag. Cut some holes for your arms and head, and voila! Instant, edgy, and waterproof fashion.
It’s perfect for those days when you just can’t be bothered. And if anyone questions your sanity, just tell them it’s avant-garde. Fashionistas will be too confused to argue.
Conclusion: Ice Cream Pounds and Proud
In the end, who cares what you wear? Fashion is about expressing yourself, even if that expression involves a lot of elastic and fabric large enough to cover a small car. Embrace those ice cream pounds, because they’re a testament to all the delicious moments in life.
So, grab another scoop, put on your comfiest sweatpants, and strut your stuff like the fabulous, plus-sized fashion icon you are.
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