Last Updated on July 25, 2024 by Michael
When you’re two tequila shots deep and the DJ’s playing that song you both loved, the temptation to send a “Hey, u up?” text to your ex can be overwhelming. It’s a classic recipe for disaster, but what’s life without a little chaos? This guide will navigate you through the treacherous waters of drunk texting your ex, turning what could be a tragic mistake into a hilarious escapade. Let’s dive into the whirlwind of emojis, typos, and regrettable confessions.
Penguins Are the Key to Communication
Why start with penguins? Because nothing says “I’ve had too much to drink and I’m thinking about you” like a random animal fact. Penguins mate for life, and so did you and your ex… until you didn’t. Opening with something like, “Did you know penguins propose with rocks?” sets the tone for a quirky conversation that won’t immediately scream, “I’m lonely and drunk.”
Follow it up with, “Remember when we watched Happy Feet?” This nostalgic yet bizarre approach is disarming. It says, “I’m tipsy and my brain is a kaleidoscope of thoughts, but I’m also reminiscing about our good times.” It’s an indirect way of diving into the past without jumping straight into the emotional deep end.
If penguins don’t float your boat, switch it up with llamas, narwhals, or capybaras. The key is to keep it unexpected. Drunk texts should be a wild ride, not a predictable pity party.
Emojis Are the Drunken Hieroglyphs of Modern Love
Emojis speak louder than words, especially when those words are slurred. A well-placed eggplant or peach emoji can convey a world of meaning. But let’s not be predictable. How about a combo of the alien, the taco, and the crying laughing face? It’s cryptic, it’s confusing, and it’s bound to make your ex wonder if you’ve finally lost it.
Text something like, ” miss taco alien times” and see where it leads. Your ex will either be intrigued by your bizarre sense of humor or concerned for your mental state. Either way, it’s a win-win. The goal is to keep them guessing, not to solve the mystery of your inebriated ramblings.
When in doubt, throw in the upside-down smiley face. It’s the ultimate drunk text wildcard. It says, “I’m happy, but also confused and maybe upside down.” Perfectly encapsulates the drunk texting vibe.
Apologies Are for the Sober
Drunk texting is not the time to get into heartfelt apologies or dredge up old fights. This is your time to shine with absurdity and wit. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for everything,” try, “I’m sorry for stealing your socks that one time. They were really comfy.”
This kind of apology is light-hearted and silly, making it clear you’re not trying to dive into serious territory. It also opens the door for a playful exchange about other silly things you did during your relationship, like the time you both tried to fit into a tiny bathtub just to see if you could.
Leave the serious apologies for sober brunches over avocado toast. Drunk texts should be reserved for the whimsical and the weird.
The Karaoke Effect
Ever notice how everyone thinks they’re a rock star after a few drinks? Use this to your advantage. Record yourself singing a terrible rendition of “I Will Survive” and send it with the caption, “My love song to you.”
It’s self-deprecating, funny, and just the right amount of cringy to make your ex laugh. Plus, it shows you’re not taking yourself too seriously, which is crucial in the drunk texting game.
If singing isn’t your forte, try a dramatic reading of their favorite movie quotes or even recite the alphabet backwards. Anything that showcases your drunken confidence will add a layer of hilarity to your message.
The Accidental Philosopher
Alcohol often turns us into amateur philosophers. Embrace this by sending your ex some deep, albeit nonsensical, thoughts. “If we’re mostly water, does that make us cucumbers with emotions?” or “Do you think parallel universes exist where we’re still together?”
These texts are sure to elicit a mix of confusion and amusement. They may even spark an interesting conversation. The key here is to be as random and profound as possible.
Mix in some classic shower thoughts like, “Do you think dogs name their owners?” or “Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?” These will keep the conversation light and entertaining, perfect for a drunk text exchange.
Ghosts of Relationships Past
Don’t just stop at texting your most recent ex. Why not go all out and text every ex you can remember? Cast a wide net and see who bites. Send each one a different message, something unique that only the two of you would understand.
For example, text one ex, “Do you still have that scar from the time we tried to build a treehouse?” and another, “I just saw a squirrel that reminded me of you.” The more bizarre and specific, the better.
This approach increases your chances of a funny response and can lead to some hilarious stories to tell your friends later. Just make sure you’re prepared for the potential fallout of waking up to multiple confused and possibly annoyed messages the next morning.
The Food Confessionals
Nothing says “I miss you” like a detailed confession about your current food cravings. Send something like, “I just ate an entire pizza by myself. You always said I could, and you were right.”
Follow it up with, “I also dipped fries in my milkshake. Your influence lives on.” These texts are relatable and funny, highlighting the quirks of your relationship without getting too emotional.
Throw in some absurd combinations for good measure. “I’m thinking about trying peanut butter and pickles. Thoughts?” This not only shows your playful side but also opens up a conversation about the weird food habits you picked up from each other.
The Accidental Selfie
Take a selfie, but not just any selfie. We’re talking the most ridiculous, unflattering angle you can manage. Send it with a caption like, “Current mood: missing your face.”
This works on two levels: it’s funny and it shows you’re comfortable being yourself, even when that self is three sheets to the wind. It also takes the pressure off your ex to respond seriously.
If you’re feeling extra brave, throw in some props. Wear a colander as a hat or wrap yourself in a blanket like a burrito. The more absurd, the better. Your ex will either laugh or question your sanity, but either way, it’s bound to be memorable.
Drunk Confessions
We’ve all got those weird secrets we’ve never told anyone. Use this opportunity to spill the beans. “I once ate an entire stick of butter on a dare. No regrets.”
Or go even weirder: “I still sleep with that stuffed penguin you won for me at the fair.” These confessions are harmless but personal enough to remind your ex of the unique bond you shared.
Mix in some fake confessions for good measure. “I secretly believe I’m a wizard and you were my muggle love.” This keeps things light and playful, ensuring the conversation stays entertaining rather than emotional.
The Mystery Text
Send a cryptic message that sounds like it was meant for someone else. “The eagle has landed. Operation Taco Tuesday is a go.”
Follow it up with, “Oops, wrong person. But hey, how are you?” This not only piques their curiosity but also breaks the ice in a unique way. They’ll be wondering what you’re up to and might even play along with the mystery.
Throw in some bizarre follow-ups to keep the fun going. “I’ll need the secret ingredient for the potion by midnight. You know the one.” Your ex will either join in on the fun or be completely baffled, both of which are entertaining outcomes.
The Drunken Haiku
Unleash your inner poet with a drunken haiku. “Tequila whispers / Memories of our love / Why’d you steal my cat?”
These short, sweet, and slightly ridiculous poems are a great way to convey your feelings without getting too heavy. Plus, they’re fun to write and even more fun to read the next day.
Mix in some random elements for added humor. “Sushi dreams tonight / You and me on a cloud ride / Damn, I miss your socks.” The more nonsensical, the better. It’s all about keeping the mood light and entertaining.
The Post-Text Regret
Inevitably, there will be some regret the morning after. But instead of wallowing in it, own it. Send a follow-up text like, “Well, that was a rollercoaster of emotions. Hope you enjoyed the ride!”
This shows you can laugh at yourself and don’t take the drunken escapade too seriously. It also leaves the door open for a light-hearted conversation about your midnight musings.
If your ex responds positively, great. If not, no harm done. You’ve shown you can handle the aftermath with grace and humor, which is the best way to deal with any drunk texting mishap.
Drunk texting your ex is a minefield of potential disasters, but with the right approach, it can also be a hilarious adventure. Embrace the absurdity, keep it light, and most importantly, have fun with it. After all, life’s too short to take drunk texts seriously. Cheers!
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