Last Updated on June 10, 2024 by Michael
Dating your cousin is a time-honored tradition that has been frowned upon by society for no good reason. Seriously, why should two people with matching DNA be denied the right to blissful, genetically identical happiness? This guide will help you navigate the treacherous waters of cousinly love with as much tact and dignity as you can muster, which, to be honest, probably isn’t much. But who needs dignity when you have love?
Thanksgiving: The Perfect Opportunity
There’s no better time to swoon over your cousin than during Thanksgiving. All the elements are there: copious amounts of food, lots of family gossip, and everyone pretending to be thankful for things other than the impending turkey coma. What better backdrop for a budding romance?
Firstly, carve the turkey with seductive precision. Show off your knife skills and make eye contact with your cousin as you slice through that bird. If that doesn’t get their heart racing, nothing will. When the family isn’t looking, sneak some stuffing into your cousin’s pocket. They’ll find it later and think of you, leading to an inevitable steamy encounter by the cranberry sauce.
As dinner progresses, play a game of footsie under the table. Sure, you might accidentally brush against Grandma’s orthopedic shoes, but that’s a risk worth taking. When you’re caught, laugh it off and blame it on the cat. No one will believe you, but hey, it’s Thanksgiving. Everyone’s too drunk on pumpkin pie to care.
Family Tree Twister: A New Take on an Old Classic
Introducing a game of Twister at the family reunion is a brilliant way to get physically close to your cousin without raising too many eyebrows. Spin that wheel and let destiny (and your flexible limbs) bring you closer to forbidden love.
Start by landing on some neutral colors—left hand on red, right foot on yellow. As the game progresses, “accidentally” tangle yourself with your cousin. Giggle like a schoolchild when you end up in a compromising position. It’s all in the name of family fun, right?
Eventually, the game will devolve into a pile of human spaghetti, and that’s your cue. Proclaim yourself the winner and offer your cousin a victory hug. Hold on just a bit too long, let that hug linger. No one will suspect a thing, except maybe Aunt Gertrude, but she’s always been the black sheep anyway.
Genealogy: More Than Just a Hobby
The next step in your quest to date your cousin is to delve deep into your family tree. Genealogy can be sexy—especially when you find out just how intertwined your roots really are. Plan a date to the local library or a dusty old records room to trace your shared heritage.
Over piles of old documents, wax poetic about your common ancestors. Talk about how great-great-grandpa was quite the ladies’ man and how you clearly inherited his charm. As you unearth marriage certificates and birth records, let your hands touch over the yellowed paper, sending shivers down each other’s spines.
For an added touch of romance, bring a bottle of wine and some candles to your genealogy session. Turn off the fluorescent lights and let the flickering candlelight highlight the contours of your cousin’s face as you sip wine and giggle over the misspellings in the census records. By the end of the night, you’ll be ready to add your own page to the family history book.
DNA Tests: Because What’s More Romantic Than Science?
Nothing says “I love you” like a DNA test. Sure, it might reveal that you’re a little too closely related for comfort, but that’s a risk you’re willing to take. Order a couple of kits and make a date out of spitting into test tubes. It’s more intimate than it sounds.
Once you get the results, frame them and present them as a gift. Nothing says commitment like a chart showing your genetic similarities. Laugh about how your kids might end up with three arms, but assure each other that love conquers all, even potential extra limbs.
Plan a second date to discuss the results over dinner. Order some rare steak and comment on how it reminds you of your shared bloodline. For dessert, whip up some family recipe cookies and talk about how your love is just as sweet as great-grandma’s secret ingredient (which was probably arsenic, considering the family history).
Wedding Plans: Embrace the Inevitable
Once you’ve navigated the murky waters of cousinly dating, it’s time to plan the wedding. Yes, there will be some logistical challenges, like avoiding the topic with the nosy neighbors or the priest who might start quoting Leviticus, but love finds a way.
Opt for a theme that celebrates your unique relationship. How about “Double Helix Delight”? Decorate the venue with DNA strand banners and serve a cake shaped like a chromosome. When it comes to seating arrangements, just mix everyone up; they’re all related anyway, so it won’t matter much.
For your first dance, pick a song that really captures the essence of cousinly love—something like “Sweet Home Alabama” or “I’m My Own Grandpa.” Make sure the dance floor is lit with twinkling fairy lights that spell out “Kissin’ Cousins Forever.”
When it’s time for the toasts, be ready for some awkward moments. Your uncle might get a little too tipsy and start recounting that time you and your cousin took a bath together as kids, but laugh it off. It’s all part of the charm of a family wedding.
Handling the Critics: Aunt Judy and the Neighbor’s Dog
Dating your cousin will undoubtedly attract some criticism. Your Aunt Judy might clutch her pearls, and the neighbor’s dog might start howling whenever you two walk by. But don’t let the naysayers get you down. Here’s how to handle them with grace and style.
Start with Aunt Judy. When she starts her tirade about the family shame, gently remind her of her own indiscretions. Mention that one time she got a little too friendly with the pool boy and suggest that maybe, just maybe, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Offer her a slice of humble pie, preferably laced with a bit of truth serum.
As for the neighbor’s dog, a little bribery goes a long way. Carry a pocketful of treats and toss them over the fence every time you and your cousin walk by. Eventually, the dog will associate your presence with delicious snacks and will start wagging its tail instead of howling in moral outrage.
If all else fails, invest in a pair of noise-canceling headphones and a good pair of running shoes. When the criticism becomes too much, pop on the headphones, lace up those shoes, and go for a run. Nothing says “I’m above your judgment” like a brisk jog through the neighborhood while blasting “Love Shack” at full volume.
Creating a New Family Tradition: The Cousin’s Kiss
Every family has its traditions, but few are as groundbreaking as the “Cousin’s Kiss.” This unique tradition involves gathering the whole family together and, at the stroke of midnight, sharing a passionate kiss with your cousin. It’s a surefire way to break the ice and start the new year with a bang.
The first step is to get everyone on board. Explain that it’s a new way to celebrate family unity and strengthen bonds. When they look at you like you’ve lost your mind, assure them it’s a time-honored tradition in some (completely made-up) culture.
On the night of the event, make sure the atmosphere is perfect. Dim the lights, light some candles, and play soft, romantic music. When the clock strikes midnight, lean in and plant one on your cousin. Make it last just a bit too long for comfort, then pull away and smile like you’re in a toothpaste commercial.
The initial reactions will range from shock to horror, but stick with it. Tradition takes time to build. By the third year, your family will be eagerly anticipating the Cousin’s Kiss, and you’ll have successfully turned a taboo into a cherished family moment.
Dealing with Genetic Concerns: Three-Eyed Babies and Beyond
One of the biggest concerns about dating your cousin is the genetic fallout. People will warn you about three-eyed babies and webbed feet, but let’s be real—those are just added features. Here’s how to deal with the potential genetic quirks of cousinly offspring.
First, embrace the possibility of unique traits. Extra toes can be a bonus in swimming, and who wouldn’t want a kid with superhuman night vision? Market these traits as advantages, not defects. When your child wins an Olympic gold medal for the backstroke, everyone will be jealous of those extra digits.
Second, consider genetic counseling. Not because you need it, but because it’s a great place to meet other cousin-couples and swap stories. Bond over tales of narrow family trees and shared ancestors while a professional explains the odds of your future children being born with superpowers.
Lastly, invest in a superhero costume. If your child does end up with a third eye or an extra limb, they’re already halfway to becoming the next Marvel star. Teach them to embrace their unique features and use them to fight crime. There’s nothing more romantic than raising a crime-fighting, three-eyed superhero with your beloved cousin.
Ignoring the Haters: Living Your Best Cousinly Life
At the end of the day, the most important thing is to ignore the haters and live your best life with your cousin-lover. Critics will always find something to complain about, whether it’s your relationship or your questionable fashion choices. Here’s how to rise above and thrive.
First, adopt a mantra. Something like “Cousin Love Conquers All” or “Incest Is Best, Put Your Family to the Test.” Repeat it daily while looking in the mirror and flexing your muscles. Confidence is key.
Next, throw a party to celebrate your love. Invite everyone, including the nosy neighbors and disapproving family members. Make sure there’s plenty of food, booze, and awkward slow dances. By the end of the night, even the biggest skeptics will be too drunk to care about your cousinly romance.
Finally, plan for the future. Dream big. Start a blog about your experiences, write a book titled “Kissing Cousins: A Love Story,” or even pitch a reality TV show. The world is your oyster, and there’s nothing more captivating than a love story that defies social norms and genetic advice.
Live your life boldly, love your cousin fiercely, and remember—if it’s good enough for royalty, it’s good enough for you.
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