The Ultimate Guide to Getting Kicked Out of a Casino

Last Updated on June 11, 2024 by Michael

Nothing says “living on the edge” like getting booted out of a casino. It’s a badge of honor, a testament to your commitment to absolute absurdity. Whether it’s your mission to get banned for life or you’re just looking for some high-stakes fun, this guide will give you the tools, tactics, and utter nonsense needed to achieve your goal. Fasten your straightjackets, folks, because we’re about to dive into the wild, weird world of casino evictions.

Wear a Meat Suit and Demand a Vegetarian Menu

Casinos are all about luxury and excess. So, why not up the ante by showing up in a full-body meat suit? Nothing screams class like raw sirloin hanging from your shoulders. Walk in like you own the place and then head straight to the casino restaurant.

Upon arrival, demand a vegetarian menu with a straight face. When they refuse, start pulling out the meat chunks and handing them to the waitstaff, saying, “I brought my own, but I can’t eat it.” Watch their faces as they try to process the smell, the sight, and the sheer insanity of your request.

For extra flair, bring a friend dressed as a giant lettuce and claim you’re on a date. Casinos love nothing more than a good laugh, right? Well, they might appreciate the laugh as they’re escorting you to the exit.

Set Up a Black Market Lemonade Stand

Kids have lemonade stands; why can’t you? The difference is, you’re an adult, and you’re setting up shop inside a casino. Find a nice corner in the lobby, preferably near the high rollers’ section, and start mixing up some tangy goodness.

Bonus points if you make your lemonade “special” by adding a hint of something illicit. When casino security inevitably approaches, offer them a cup on the house. This gesture might buy you a few extra minutes of operation time. Act completely oblivious to why running an unauthorized business inside a casino could be a problem.

If questioned, insist it’s all for charity – maybe you’re raising funds to buy back your grandmother’s pawned dentures. The more bizarre the story, the better.

Replace Poker Chips with Exotic Animal Figurines

Poker chips are so passé. Instead, bring your own set of exotic animal figurines and use them as chips. When sitting down at a poker table, nonchalantly start placing tiny giraffes, elephants, and hippos on your bets. Make sure to give each animal a backstory, narrating their life adventures as you bet.

The dealers and other players will be too perplexed to stop you at first. Keep your poker face strong as you slide a miniature panda across the table, proclaiming, “This one represents my luck.”

Inevitably, casino management will intervene. When they do, argue that your animal chips are lucky charms and that you’re culturally protected by the Great Panda Preservation Act of 2021. They’ll probably call security, but hey, at least you’ll have made some new friends in the process – even if they’re made of plastic.

Host a Naked Yoga Class in the High Stakes Room

Casinos are all about high stakes, so what better place to host an impromptu naked yoga class? Gather a group of like-minded exhibitionists, strip down to your birthday suits, and start stretching and posing amidst the poker tables.

Encourage the high rollers to join in, emphasizing the relaxation benefits and the improved focus they’ll gain for their gambling. Don’t forget to bring incense and soothing music to set the mood. The sight of a dozen naked individuals contorting themselves in downward dog will be enough to distract even the most seasoned gambler.

When security inevitably arrives, claim that you have a permit for public nudity and spiritual practices. Insist on seeing their supervisor and start a chant for “body positivity and mindfulness.” This will likely expedite your departure, but not without leaving a memorable impression.

Perform Interpretative Dance on the Craps Table

Craps tables are typically for dice and chips, but why not add a bit of interpretative dance to the mix? Dress in your most flamboyant outfit – think feathers, sequins, and neon colors. When the game is in full swing, leap onto the table and start your performance.

Incorporate the dice into your routine, rolling them with your feet or using them as props. Make sure your dance tells a story – perhaps the tragic tale of a gambler who lost everything except his dignity (spoiler: he loses that too).

Encourage the audience to join in, creating a flash mob of interpretative dancers. The chaos will be unparalleled, and security will have no idea where to start. When you’re finally removed, bow graciously to the stunned onlookers. You’ve given them a show they’ll never forget.

Challenge the Dealer to a Duel

Casinos love their drama, but they’re not prepared for a full-on duel. Equip yourself with a pair of toy pistols, the kind that shoot foam darts, and find a dealer who looks like they need some excitement.

Slap them with a glove and issue a formal challenge. The more old-timey your language, the better. “I challenge thee to a duel for thine honor and the finest of all prime ribs!” Make sure to declare loudly enough for other patrons to hear.

When the dealer inevitably refuses, escalate the situation by throwing down the toy pistol and pulling out a foam sword. At this point, the confusion will be palpable. Security will step in, but your commitment to the bit will be what legends are made of.

Paint Yourself Like a Slot Machine

Blending in is for the weak. Instead, stand out by transforming yourself into a human slot machine. Body paint is your friend here. Cover yourself in metallic silver, paint cherries and bars on your chest, and stick a lever on your back.

Position yourself next to the actual slot machines and encourage people to “pull your lever.” Each time they do, produce a handful of coins from your pocket and throw them in the air while making whirring and dinging sounds.

The commotion will attract attention, both from amused gamblers and bewildered security. Keep a straight face and insist you’re part of a new interactive art installation sponsored by the casino. When you’re eventually dragged away, you’ll leave behind a crowd of people wondering if they really saw a human slot machine.

Speak Only in Shakespearean English

Nothing confounds casino staff like a patron speaking solely in Shakespearean English. Brush up on your “thees” and “thous” before entering. When placing bets, declare, “Hark! I place yon wager upon the number seven!”

When the dealer asks for your decision, respond with, “Prithee, deal the cards posthaste!” If you’re asked to leave, launch into a dramatic monologue about the fickleness of fate and fortune. The goal is to confuse everyone to the point of paralysis.

For extra fun, bring along a skull (fake, of course) and soliloquize about the nature of gambling and the human condition. The confusion will be so intense that security will likely escort you out just to restore some semblance of normalcy.

Dress as a Casino Employee and Give Terrible Advice

Casinos thrive on the illusion of expertise and control. Disrupt this by dressing as a casino employee and providing the worst advice imaginable. Get a uniform that closely matches the staff’s attire and start roaming the floor.

Approach gamblers and offer them “tips.” Suggest they always hit on 20 in blackjack or put all their money on green in roulette. If questioned, maintain an air of authority and insist you’re new but highly trained.

Eventually, real employees will catch on. When they confront you, argue that you’re conducting a social experiment for a documentary on gullibility and human behavior. This might buy you a few more minutes before you’re unceremoniously ejected from the premises.

Set Up a DJ Booth in the Restroom

The bathroom is the last place anyone expects a party, which makes it the perfect spot for your guerrilla DJ booth. Bring a portable speaker, some lights, and a playlist of the hottest tracks. Set up in one of the larger restrooms and start spinning.

Encourage people to dance and enjoy the beats while they wait for their turn at the facilities. Make sure to include bathroom-themed remixes of popular songs. “Toilet Paper Roll” to the tune of “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele, anyone?

Security will be baffled by the impromptu rave. When they arrive, insist that you’re there to improve the customer experience and reduce wait time anxiety. While they won’t buy it for long, the sight of a full-blown dance party in the restroom will be unforgettable.

Create a Fake Emergency

Nothing clears a room faster than a fake emergency. Equip yourself with a fire extinguisher and start running through the casino, yelling, “Fire!” and spraying foam everywhere. Make sure to aim for the most populated areas for maximum chaos.

When people start to panic, drop the extinguisher and switch to shouting, “There’s a flood in the poker room!” Grab a mop and start “cleaning” the dry floor frantically. The mixed messages will create absolute pandemonium.

Eventually, real security and possibly even emergency services will show up. Explain that you’re rehearsing for a one-man play about disaster preparedness. By this point, you’ll likely be escorted out, but not before causing a scene that will be talked about for years.

Conclusion: Go Out in a Blaze of Ridiculous Glory

Getting kicked out of a casino isn’t just about the destination – it’s about the wild, insane journey. Each of these tactics is guaranteed to confuse, amuse, and ultimately get you banned from your favorite gambling spot. The key is to maintain your composure and commitment to the bit, no matter how outlandish.

Now, armed with these strategies, go forth and become a legend. Whether you’re remembered as the guy who wore a meat suit or the lunatic who hosted naked yoga, your mark on the casino world will be indelible. And who knows? Maybe someday, you’ll be able to return – if only to see your face on the “Do Not Admit” poster.