12 Tips for Getting a Tattoo from a Blind Guy

Last Updated on September 11, 2025 by Michael

Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room. The elephant that Bobby would probably tattoo as a “large dog with a weird nose.”

You’re here because you saw that Groupon. Ninety percent off at Blind Bobby’s Tattoo Emporium. You screenshot it. You sent it to the group chat as a joke. Then Derek said “bet you won’t.”

And here you are, reading this article at 2 AM, actually considering it.

Your therapist is going to love this.

1. Lower Your Expectations Until They Hit the Earth’s Core

That mandala design you saved on Pinterest? The one with the perfect sacred geometry and delicate shading?

Bobby thinks Pinterest is a type of wood.

He’s never seen a mandala. Someone once explained it to him as “a circular pattern with spiritual significance” and now everyone who asks for a mandala gets what looks like a spirograph drawn by someone having a seizure during an earthquake. On a boat. In a hurricane.

The last person who asked for a phoenix rising from the ashes got what can only be described as a chicken stuck in a toilet. When they complained, Bobby added more “flames.” Now it looks like a chicken stuck in a toilet that’s also on fire. Somehow that’s worse.

2. Bring Your Own Stencil (Make It Lumpy)

Bobby experiences art through his fingertips. And occasionally his tongue, but that’s a health code violation we’re not going to discuss.

Things that have actually worked:

• Pipe cleaners twisted into basic shapes
• Gummy bears arranged in a pattern (Bobby ate half, tattooed the other half)
• One guy’s kid’s macaroni art from kindergarten (resulted in the least terrible tattoo Bobby’s ever done)

Things that have failed spectacularly:

• A woman brought in her actual grandmother thinking Bobby could “capture her essence through touch”
• Someone tried to explain their design through interpretive dance
• A dude brought in a whole rotisserie chicken because he wanted a rooster tattoo (Bobby ate the chicken, tattooed what he remembered chickens looking like from childhood. Childhood was 47 years ago.)

3. Simple Shapes Only (And Even Those Are Questionable)

Bobby claims he can do any design. This is what’s known in the business as “a lie.”

Someone once asked for a simple smiley face. Bobby gave them what looked like a colonoscopy result. They’re in therapy now.

4. Pick Your Body Part (For Maximum Concealment)

Scalp’s good if you never plan on going bald.

Behind the ear works if you never want to wear your hair up again.

One guy got his on the bottom of his foot. Smart? No. He can’t walk properly anymore. But nobody sees it, so… victory?

5. The Pre-Tattoo Checklist of Doom

✓ Say goodbye to your dignity
✓ Delete all dating apps (you’re about to be undateable)
✓ Practice saying “it’s abstract” with confidence
✓ Prepare several lies about what happened
✓ Bring whiskey (for you)
✓ Bring whiskey (for Bobby)
✓ Bring whiskey (for the inevitable cover-up artist)

6. Communication With Bobby Is Like Shouting at a Cloud

You can’t just say “make it look fierce.” Bobby touched a dog once in 1987 and that’s his entire reference point for all animals. Every animal he tattoos looks like that one dog. The dog was actually a mop. Nobody told him.

Customer: “Can you do a tiger?”
Bobby: “Sure! Striped dog!”
Customer: “No, a TIGER. Big cat.”
Bobby: “Ah, fat dog with lines!”
Customer: “Forget it, just do a flower.”
Bobby: “One dog coming up!”

Everything is dogs to Bobby.

7. Your Support Squad

Don’t bring anyone you respect. Don’t bring anyone who respects you. Bring that friend who encouraged you to get bangs during quarantine. They already know you make terrible decisions.

8. Pain Is Just the Beginning

With normal tattoos, the pain is predictable. It follows the needle.

With Bobby, pain is performance art. He’ll start on your shoulder, somehow end up on your opposite hip, take a union-mandated smoke break with the needle still in your skin, forget what he was doing, start over, realize he’s been tattooing the massage table for ten minutes, then finish strong on what might be your kidney.

External kidney. He tattooed so deep you now have an external kidney.

9. Spelling Is More Like Spell-ish

Bobby spells phonetically. Not English phonetically. Bobby phonetically, which follows no known linguistic rules.

“Strength” becomes “STREMF”
“Beautiful” becomes “BOOTIFUL”
“Live Laugh Love” becomes “LIV LAFF LUV” which honestly? Better.

Last week someone wanted “Warrior” in script. Bobby did his best. It now says “WORRIER” in what appears to be Comic Sans. In his defense, worrier is probably more accurate for someone getting tattooed by a blind guy.

10. Aftercare (For Your Skin and Your Soul)

Normal aftercare: Keep it clean, moisturized, out of the sun.

Bobby aftercare: Keep it hidden, develop a thick skin about mockery, avoid mirrors.

Emotional stages of healing:

• Day 1: “Maybe it’s not that bad in different lighting”
• Day 3: “It’s definitely that bad in all lighting”
• Week 1: “Could be worse?” (Narrator: It couldn’t)
• Week 2: Googling “Can tattoos be removed with cheese graters”
• Month 1: “It’s growing on me” (That might be an infection)
• Month 6: Stockholm syndrome sets in

11. The Silver Lining Is Actually Aluminum Foil Spray-Painted Gray

Okay, real talk? You’re going to become a legend. Not a good legend. But a legend nonetheless.

You’ll be “that person who got tattooed by the blind guy.” You’ll have a story nobody can top. Sure, Karen got a dolphin tattoo in Cabo. But did Karen let a visually impaired stranger permanently alter her body with a vibrating needle while he hummed show tunes? No. Karen made reasonable choices.

You’re better than Karen.

Wait, no. You’re definitely worse than Karen. But your story’s better.

12. There Is No Escape

Red flags to ignore:

• Bobby asking “What are we doing again?” mid-tattoo
• The buzzing stopping but the tattooing sensation continuing
• His guide dog pulling him away from you
• Him tattooing in cursive when you asked for print
• Him tattooing in print when you asked for cursive
• Him just tattooing

But here’s the beautiful, horrible truth:

You’re still going to do it.

Know why?

Because somewhere between your third and fourth life crisis, you decided that making sensible decisions was boring. You’re the person who sees a “Do Not Touch: Wet Paint” sign and immediately touches it. You’re the person who hears “this milk might be bad” and takes a swig anyway. You’re the person who’s about to pay money — actual money — to let a blind man permanently doodle on your epidermis.

And the sickest part?

You’re going to recommend Bobby to others. Not because he’s good. Sweet Jesus, no. But because you need other people to suffer with you. It’s the same reason people recommend CrossFit or veganism or having children. Shared trauma bonds us.

Bobby knows this. Bobby’s been running this scam for twelve years. His business model isn’t tattooing — it’s weaponizing human stupidity and calling it art.

The man’s a genius.

A blind genius who can’t draw, can’t spell, and definitely can’t see what he’s doing.

But a genius nonetheless.

Your move, champ.

Disclaimer: If Bobby’s real, someone please stop him. If he’s not real but you’re thinking of becoming Bobby, don’t. If you’re still planning to get a tattoo from an unlicensed blind artist after reading this, honestly? Natural selection is coming for you and it’s wearing a Groupon.