9 Ways to Convince Your Uncle That His New Girlfriend Is Really a Man


Last Updated on June 26, 2024 by Michael

The Bearded Lady Gambit

Uncle Steve’s got himself a new sweetheart, and you’re sure she’s got more testosterone than an MMA fighter on steroids. Start by convincing him that her five o’clock shadow isn’t just a case of bad waxing. Drop casual hints about her impressive facial hair. Tell a story about how you saw her buying shaving cream in bulk at Costco.

Then, get creative. Set up a scenario where she has to use an electric razor. Rig her bathroom with a hidden camera (a little illegal, but who cares, right?). The footage of her shaving will be your golden ticket. Invite your uncle for a family movie night and surprise him with the premiere of “The Bearded Lady: A Love Story.”

Testosterone Test Tampering

Your uncle’s obliviousness needs a wake-up call. Bribe your local sketchy lab tech to switch her hormone test results. Slip in a testosterone result that would make a bodybuilder weep with envy.

Present these “accidentally discovered” results at a family dinner. “Uncle Steve, I was cleaning out the attic and found these! It looks like she’s got more man juice than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. Maybe she’s just really dedicated to the gym?”

Operation Broad Shoulders

When words fail, visual aids prevail. Start pointing out her broad shoulders. Tell him she could be an NFL linebacker with those traps. Create a photo comparison chart of her and various male athletes.

Next family gathering, bring out a measuring tape. Compare shoulder widths in a fun, game-like scenario. Make it a competition. “Wow, Uncle Steve, she’s got shoulders that could carry the weight of your obliviousness and then some!”

The Voice of an Angel (Who’s Been Smoking a Pack a Day)

Record her voice and play it back at a lower pitch. Editing software is your friend here. Create a mix tape of her husky voice interspersed with famous male baritones. Slip it into his car’s stereo system.

One day, when he’s cruising down the highway, he’ll be serenaded by what he thinks is his sweetie’s dulcet tones, only to realize he’s jamming to a bunch of dudes. He might finally get that nagging feeling something’s off.

Bathroom Etiquette Extravaganza

Ever notice she spends an unusually long time in the bathroom? Plant a fake article on her Facebook timeline about how men who transition often take longer in the bathroom due to “maintenance.”

Strike up a conversation about bathroom habits. “Steve, ever wonder why she takes so long? I read this thing about, well, you know, the extra equipment needing more upkeep.”

Then, stage a “plumbing emergency.” Fake a clogged toilet and call her out on her knowledge of how to fix it. If she knows more about plungers and pipes than she should, Steve might start putting two and two together.

The Wigging Out Operation

Catch her without her wig. You know she’s got one because no woman has hair that perfect all the time. Plan a surprise pool party. Get her to dive in, and let the chlorine work its magic. If her hair floats away like a dead squirrel, you’ve got visual confirmation.

When her wet hair clings to her head and looks like a drowned rat, point out that her hairline resembles that of your Uncle Jerry. “Steve, do you remember when Uncle Jerry used to swim and his hair did that weird thing? It’s uncanny, right?”

The Absurd Hobby Revelation

Fabricate a bizarre hobby that she couldn’t possibly be into unless she’s a guy. Create fake social media posts of her being a part of a Fantasy Football League or a Pro Wrestling Club. Tag her in posts about collecting action figures or vintage muscle car parts.

Bring these up casually. “Hey, Steve, I saw her tagged in a post about the Annual Pro Wrestling Slapdown. I had no idea she was into body slams and pile drivers! Does she wear the spandex at home too?”

Deep Dive into the Closet

Suggest a spontaneous wardrobe audit. “Hey, Steve, ever notice how she only wears baggy clothes? Let’s Marie Kondo her closet!” Go through her clothes and point out the suspiciously large shoe sizes and the lack of frilly underthings.

Stage a donation drive and volunteer to help her sort out clothes. “Wow, these are some pretty big sneakers. And look, no lace or satin anywhere! It’s almost like she’s trying to hide something.”

The Ultimate Showdown

When all else fails, plan a dramatic reveal. Hire a drag queen to impersonate her and show up at a family event. Make sure the queen is convincingly her twin. When she’s inevitably confused for the hired performer, your uncle will be forced to confront the uncanny resemblance.

Set up a game of “Spot the Difference.” Have the real girlfriend and the drag queen stand side by side and ask Steve to pick his true love. If he hesitates, you’ve sown the seeds of doubt.

In this twisted game of revealing secrets, remember, the more outrageous and bizarre your tactics, the more likely you are to break through Steve’s rose-colored glasses.

Michael

I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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