9 Ways to Survive a Flight Next to a Man Eating Tuna

You booked the window seat. The universe booked you a nightmare.

Somewhere over Nebraska, at 36,000 feet, you will need to know the 9 ways to survive a flight next to a man eating tuna.

And no, that is not a typo, and yes, the grammar matters, and we will get to why the grammar is trying to kill you.

Buckle up. Literally. It’s the only thing on this plane that loves you.

1. Figure Out Which Kind of Nightmare You Booked

Here is the thing about the phrase “man eating tuna.” It swings both ways, and so does your survival plan.

Option one: a large predatory fish that eats men. Option two: a gentleman, in seat 14B, eating tuna out of a foil pouch with his bare, glistening fingers.

Somehow, option two is worse.

A shark you can reason with. A man who packs “wet protein” as a carry-on has already made peace with being alone forever.

2. Establish Dominance Before Wheels Up

Animals respect strength. So do middle-seat weirdos with a pouch of oceanic wrongness.

Make eye contact. Hold it. Do not blink until one of you files a complaint with a flight attendant.

If it’s the actual fish, show it the safety card. Point aggressively at the little person going down the slide.

Let it know that you, too, have read the instructions on how to not die, and you are not afraid to use them.

3. Win the Armrest, Lose Your Soul

The armrest is contested territory, and God does not care who wins.

A tuna has no elbows, which sounds like an advantage until you realize it also has no shame.

It will flop that entire clammy torso onto the shared armrest like it pays the mortgage on it.

Claim your inch. Plant your elbow. Marry that armrest in the eyes of the law and refuse to grant it a divorce.

4. Master the Sacred Art of Not Talking

The most dangerous words on any aircraft are “So, business or pleasure?”

If a fish asks you this, something has gone deeply wrong, and you should have listened to your mother.

Headphones in. No cord required. The performance of listening to music is a full-body lie you must sell with your whole face.

Nod occasionally at nothing. Become a man who is very moved by a podcast that does not exist.

5. Survive the In-Flight Meal Situation

Now the airline brings food, and the plot, much like the tuna, thickens.

Whatever you do, do not order the fish. That is not dinner. That is a hostage situation with a side of rice.

Eating tuna next to a tuna is a war crime. Eating tuna next to a man eating tuna is a merger.

Order the chicken. The chicken has never betrayed anyone at cruising altitude.

6. Navigate the Bathroom Without Dying

Eventually, nature calls, and nature has a cruel sense of timing.

Getting past your seatmate means a slow, horrifying dance where two strangers press together and pretend it isn’t happening.

With a fish, this is damp. With the man, this is damp and he apologizes with tuna breath.

Hold it. Hold it until Denver. Your bladder is stronger than your dignity, and right now that’s all you’ve got.

7. Shut Down the Mile-High Flirting Immediately

Something about recycled air makes lonely creatures bold, and boldness is a disease.

If it winks, that is a medical event, not a compliment. Fish do not have eyelids, so treasure the mystery.

The man will lean in and say his tuna is “wild caught, like him.” Do not laugh. Laughing is consent.

Deploy the wedding ring you keep for exactly this reason. Lie about a spouse named Brad who does CrossFit and owns knives.

8. Have an Escape Plan for When It Gets Loose

Assume, at some point, the situation becomes fully unbuckled.

A loose tuna in a pressurized cabin is a slip-and-slide that files no flight plan and answers to no one.

Do not chase it. You will only trip over your own oxygen mask, which, remember, goes on you first.

Let the man with the foil pouch handle it. He has, at last, found his purpose, and honestly, good for him.

9. Stick the Landing and Tell No One

The wheels touch down. You made it. Your therapist did not.

Do not make a goodbye speech. You share no future, only a smell that will haunt your good coat forever.

Deplane fast. Move like a woman who left her curling iron on and her standards at the gate.

And when someone asks how your flight was, look them dead in the eye and say it was fine.

The One Rule That Outranks All Nine

There is a tenth rule, and it is the only one that truly matters.

Whether it’s a fish that eats men or a man who eats fish, the etiquette is identical: you do not, under any circumstances, ask for a bite.

Now go pre-board with confidence. Somewhere out there, a foil pouch is waiting, and it has your seat number.