Fashion Hacks for Covering Up Questionable Hickeys

Last Updated on July 10, 2024 by Michael

We’ve all been there. Waking up to find that your neck looks like you’ve been attacked by a vampire with intimacy issues. The only thing worse than having a hickey is trying to cover it up without looking like you fell into a vat of concealer. Fear not—oh wait, we’re not saying that. Just grab your shame and follow these fashion hacks to hide those love bites like a pro.

Turtlenecks and Turtle Wax

When you need to cover up a hickey, the first thing that comes to mind is the trusty turtleneck. But why stop there? Take it to the next level with some turtle wax. A shiny neck distracts from the hickey, right? Polish your turtleneck until it blinds anyone who looks directly at you. Plus, the slick surface will make it easier to slip away when someone starts asking questions about your neckwear.

Scarves: The Dignified Choke Collar

Scarves are your best friend. Not just for warmth, but for hiding evidence of your wild night out. Wrap that fabric around your neck so tightly that even your poor decisions get strangled. Go for the thickest, most obnoxious patterns. The busier the design, the less likely anyone is to notice the purple mess underneath. And if they do, you can always pretend you’re really into avant-garde fashion. “Oh this? It’s a statement piece. It says, ‘Mind your own business.'”

Band-Aid Couture

Band-Aids aren’t just for boo-boos anymore. They’re the latest in DIY fashion accessories. Slap a couple of those bad boys on your neck and tell people you were in a bar fight. Or that you were attacked by a tiny, very precise bear. Extra points if you use character Band-Aids. Nothing says “I have my life together” like a neck full of SpongeBob SquarePants.

Makeup Meltdown

Sure, you could use makeup to cover a hickey. But why not go all out? We’re talking full face, circus-level makeup. Paint yourself up like a clown, complete with red nose and rainbow wig. Nobody will care about a little neck bruise when you’re rocking a look that says, “I moonlight as a party entertainer.” Just be prepared for people to ask you to make balloon animals. Bonus: you’ll get to see their disappointed faces when they realize you don’t know how.

DIY Choker: Duct Tape Edition

Chokers are back in style, and nothing says DIY fashionista like a duct tape choker. Wrap that sticky silver savior around your neck and act like it’s the hottest trend out of Milan. Sure, it might hurt a bit when you take it off, but think of it as penance for your questionable choices. Plus, it doubles as a handy tool for any other emergencies. Like needing to shut your friend’s mouth when they try to rat you out.

Fake a Medical Emergency

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Wrap your neck in gauze and tell people you had a minor surgical procedure. Appendectomy on the neck? Sure, why not. Get creative with your medical fiction. Maybe you were rescuing kittens from a burning building and suffered a heroic scratch. The more outlandish, the better. People love a good story, and it’ll distract from the fact that you’re hiding a hickey.

Go Full-On Goth

Embrace your inner goth. Black everything, eyeliner so thick it could double as a Sharpie, and a scowl that would scare off a Jehovah’s Witness. Tell people you’re expressing your dark, tortured soul. Hickeys are practically part of the goth uniform anyway. If anyone dares to ask, just roll your eyes and mutter something about the futility of existence. They’ll back off faster than you can say “The Cure.”

Neck Tattoos: Temporary but Terrifying

Temporary tattoos are a godsend. Slap a fierce dragon or a barbed wire design right over that hickey. Who’s going to question your choice of body art? Bonus points if you go for something truly bizarre, like a kitten playing with a ball of yarn. It’ll distract from the hickey and leave people wondering about your life choices on a whole new level.

Embrace the Freak Show

Turn that hickey into a feature, not a flaw. Draw attention to it with glitter, sequins, or even googly eyes. Make it a conversation piece. “Oh, this? It’s my new pet hickey. His name is Steve. Want to see him do a trick?” Sure, people will think you’re insane, but they’ll be too busy laughing (or backing away slowly) to notice the original problem.

Strategic Hairstyling

Grow your hair out, fast. We’re talking miracle-grow levels of speed. If that’s not possible, just fake it with extensions. Wrap your hair around your neck like a noose of regret. It’s fashion-forward and functional. Or just go full Cousin Itt and let your hair cover your face entirely. Who needs social interaction anyway? It’s overrated.

The Phantom of the Opera Approach

Go half-mask. Channel your inner Phantom and wear a stylish mask that covers part of your neck. Tell people you’re rehearsing for a play, or just really into masquerade balls. The mysterious allure will either make you seem super interesting or completely unapproachable. Either way, mission accomplished.

Fake Bruises

If you can’t hide it, flaunt it. Use makeup to create fake bruises all over your body. When people ask what happened, spin a tale of epic adventure. Maybe you saved a bus full of nuns from a runaway elephant. Or you were wrestling an alligator in a swamp. The more outrageous the story, the less anyone will focus on the hickey.

Embrace Your Inner Granny

Bring back the vintage look with lace collars, high neck blouses, and pearls. Channel your inner grandma and go full Golden Girls. Nobody questions a woman in a lace collar. You’ll look so sweet and innocent, nobody would ever suspect you were engaging in neck-nibbling activities. Bonus points if you carry around a crochet project and offer to make people scarves.

Walk Backwards

Just walk backwards everywhere. It’s not fashion, but it’s certainly a statement. People will be so confused by your strange behavior that they won’t even notice the hickey. Plus, you’ll get really good at moving in reverse. It’s a skill that might come in handy someday, like when you need to moonwalk away from awkward situations.

Become a Human Billboard

Wear a shirt that says “Ask me about my hickey.” People will either laugh, cringe, or be too embarrassed to actually ask. Either way, the attention is deflected. Make it a game—every time someone asks, give them a ridiculous story. “Oh, this? I got it wrestling with my pet armadillo. He’s very affectionate.”

Develop a Convenient Allergy

Claim an allergy to neck-sniffing dogs. Yes, that’s a thing now. Tell people you had a run-in with a particularly enthusiastic German Shepherd and it left a mark. It’s believable enough to work and bizarre enough to avoid follow-up questions. Just make sure to avoid actual dogs, or you’ll have some explaining to do.

Wear a Neck Brace

A neck brace is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for hickeys. Tell everyone you’ve got whiplash from a fender bender. Not only do you get sympathy, but nobody will question the marks on your neck. Plus, you can get out of carrying heavy stuff or doing any real work. It’s the lazy person’s dream come true.

Create a Neck Tattoo

If temporary tattoos aren’t cutting it, go for the real deal. Get a neck tattoo that strategically covers your hickey-prone areas. Whether it’s a majestic eagle, a flaming skull, or a random barcode, nobody will look twice at a neck tattoo. Plus, it’s a permanent solution to a recurring problem. You’ll never have to worry about covering up a hickey again.

Conclusion: Wear Your Shame with Pride

In the end, the best way to cover up a hickey is to embrace it. Wear your shame with pride and let the world know that you had a wild night. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. If someone judges you for a hickey, they’re probably just jealous they’re not getting any action. So throw on your duct tape choker, grab your turtle waxed turtleneck, and strut your stuff with confidence. After all, the best fashion statement is one that says, “I don’t give a damn.”