Last Updated on August 29, 2025 by Michael
What the Actual Fuck Is Wrong With People
We Need to Talk
Alright so humanity peaked with the moon landing and it’s been downhill ever since.
Case in point: microdosing laxatives is a thing now. Not a joke. Not satire. An actual thing that actual humans are doing with their actual bodies. On purpose.
Someone woke up one day, looked at a bottle of Ex-Lax, and thought “what if… but smaller?” And instead of immediately scheduling a psychiatric evaluation like a normal person, they started a blog about it. Then other people read that blog. And agreed with it. This is how civilizations collapse.
You know what microdosing laxatives is? It’s taking juuuust enough to make your intestines confused but not enough to actually shit yourself. It’s the gastrointestinal equivalent of edging but nobody’s climaxing and everyone’s terrified. It’s playing Russian roulette with your rectum except all the chambers are loaded, you’re just arguing about bullet size.
Think about that. Really think about it. People are voluntarily—VOLUNTARILY—turning their digestive systems into anxiety generators. For wellness.
Wellness.
WELLNESS.
The “Science” Behind This Clusterfuck
Oh, you want to hear the benefits? Buckle up, this is where it gets properly deranged.
According to the forums (yes, there are forums, yes, God has abandoned us), microdosing laxatives will:
- “Optimize your gut-brain connection”
Translation: Your gut is definitely connecting with your brain. It’s sending one message, over and over: “HELP.”
- “Boost natural energy”
You know what else boosts energy? Cocaine. Rabies. Being chased by a bear. All terrible ideas, but at least they’re honest about what they are.
- “Enhance mindfulness and presence”
Yeah, you’ll be present alright. Present for every gurgle, every rumble, every ominous intestinal whisper that might signal the end times. Buddhist monks spend decades trying to achieve this level of awareness. You achieved it by poisoning yourself. Congratulations?
- “Detoxification”
From what? Dignity? Social standing? The ability to trust a fart? Because those are the only things you’re losing here.
- “Metabolic optimization”
This isn’t optimization. This is assault. Your metabolism doesn’t need optimization, it needs a restraining order against you.
Shopping List for the Apocalypse
Before you embark on this journey to the seventh circle of hell (the one Dante forgot to mention where everyone’s slightly nauseous all the time), you’ll need:
| Item | Real Purpose | Your Google Search History After Buying It |
|---|---|---|
| Toilet paper (by the pallet) | Obvious | “bulk toilet paper wholesale” |
| Portable bidet | Pretending you’re civilized | “is a bidet tax deductible medical expense” |
| Adult diapers | Admitting defeat | “how to delete purchase history” |
| Bathroom finder app | Digital desperation | “best bathrooms NYC emergency” |
| Spare everything | The illusion of control | “how many spare pants is too many” |
You’ll also need to give up several things: your dignity (obviously), any chance at a normal relationship, the ability to enjoy Mexican food, and that naive belief that humans are intelligent creatures.
A Week-by-Week Descent Into Madness
Week 1: The Honeymoon Phase
Monday. You take one-twentieth of a regular dose. You measured it out with the precision of a Swiss watchmaker who’s also lost their mind. Nothing happens. You’re invincible. You’re revolutionary. You’re an idiot, but you don’t know it yet.
Wednesday you double it because you’re a hero. Your stomach makes a noise that would make a Lovecraftian horror say “bit much, mate.”
Friday. You’ve already got a favorite bathroom stall at work. You’ve named it. This should be your wake-up call but instead you’re thinking about increasing the dose.
Week 2: Reality Has Entered the Chat
Every morning is now a negotiation with your digestive system. You’re basically a hostage negotiator except you’re also the hostage and the terrorist is that tenth of a laxative you took at 6 AM because you read somewhere that “morning dosing optimizes absorption.”
Your browser history looks like a cry for help:
- “normal amount of bathroom visits per day”
- “can intestines feel betrayal”
- “how to apologize to your colon”
- “gastrointestinal therapy is that a thing”
- “new identity documents”
Week 3 and Beyond: This Is Your Life Now
Congratulations, you’ve turned existence into a never-ending game of “Will I Shit Myself?”
Spoiler: Maybe!
The People Who Absolutely Should Not Do This (It’s Everyone But Let’s Be Specific)
Gym Bros: Imagine doing squats while your intestines are staging a coup. Actually don’t imagine it. Nobody should have that image in their head.
Anyone With a Job: “Sorry, can we pause the presentation?” isn’t the power move you think it is.
People Who Date: Nothing kills romance faster than prescreening restaurants based on bathroom accessibility. “Their pasta is amazing but they only have one stall and no lock, so hard pass.”
Parents: Your kids already think you’re weird. Don’t add “Daddy’s tummy is optimized” to their future therapy sessions.
Humans: Just… humans in general. If you’re a human, don’t do this. If you’re not a human and you’re reading this, still don’t do this. Also, welcome to Earth, it’s weird here.
Signs You’ve Completely Lost It
- Your Uber driver knows to wait outside CVS
- The janitor at work gave you your own key
- You’ve written Yelp reviews for gas station bathrooms
- Amazon just ships toilet paper automatically now
- You’ve considered installing a bidet in your car
- “Distance from bathroom” is how you evaluate:
- Job opportunities
- Potential soulmates
- Vacation destinations
- Your will to live
That last one’s not a joke.
Let’s Talk About Your Dating Life
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Oh wait, you’re serious?
Okay. Imagine trying to be sexy when you’ve memorized the bathroom layout of every restaurant in a 10-mile radius. Imagine your Tinder bio: “Enjoys long walks (to the bathroom), bathroom architecture, and the music of intestinal distress.”
You’re not mysterious. You’re not interesting. You’re the person who disappears for 20 minutes during appetizers and comes back looking like you’ve seen war.
Medical Professionals Weigh In
“What? No. Stop.” — Every gastroenterologist
“This is job security.” — Therapists
“…” — Your colon (it’s not speaking to you)
“Please find God.” — Your primary care physician
“Business is booming!” — Big Toilet Paper
Why Is This Even Happening?
Here’s the thing. And this is the real thing, not the fake thing where someone pretends there are benefits to slowly poisoning yourself.
We ran out of real problems. Our ancestors worried about bears. We worry about whether our shit schedule is optimized. They fought for survival. We fight our own digestive systems for Instagram engagement.
This is what happens when capitalism and stupidity have a baby and that baby grows up to have a wellness blog.
Your digestive system isn’t a startup. It doesn’t need disruption. It’s been doing the same job for millions of years. It’s literally older than human consciousness and you think you know better because you watched a YouTube video?
The audacity.
Still Thinking About It?
Look. Everyone reading this falls into two categories:
- People who clicked for the headline and are now horrified
- People who are genuinely considering microdosing laxatives
If you’re in group 2, here’s what’s going to happen: You’re going to try it anyway. Despite this entire article calling you an idiot in creative ways. Despite the obvious warning signs. Despite your colon literally being an innocent bystander in your war against common sense.
Six weeks from now, you’ll be sitting on a toilet (your seventh visit today), and you’ll remember this article. The one that said things like “gastrointestinal equivalent of edging” and “your digestive system needs a restraining order against you.”
And you’ll think: Fuck. They were right.
But by then it’ll be too late. You’ll be too deep. You’ll have opinions about different brands of travel-sized toilet paper. You’ll have a favorite bathroom at Target. You’ll know which Starbucks has the best water pressure.
This is your future.
Still want to optimize your gut?
The Bottom Line
Your colon doesn’t have a LinkedIn. It’s not trying to network. It doesn’t want to be optimized or disrupted or revolutionized or whatever verb Silicon Valley is using this week.
It just wants to turn food into poop. That’s it. That’s literally its only job. And it’s been doing it successfully without your help for your entire life.
But sure, Jessica from your hot yoga class says it changed her life, so fuck it, right?
Wrong.
So wrong.
The wrongest thing that’s ever been wrong in the history of wrong things, and that includes whatever fashion choices you made in middle school.
Just eat a fucking vegetable. Drink some water. Maybe take a walk. Revolutionary concepts, apparently.
Your intestines will thank you.
Your friends will thank you.
The janitor at your office will especially thank you.
Disclaimer: This is satire, but the fact that it needs to be stated is the saddest thing about humanity since someone invented the pet rock and made millions. Don’t microdose laxatives. Don’t even think about it. Your digestive system has one job and you’re out here making it interview for its own position. Stop it. Get help. Or at least get fiber. Jesus Christ.
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