Tips for Dealing With College Application Stress

Last Updated on May 20, 2024 by Michael

Ahoy there, stressed out seniors! Are you feeling the pressure of college application season weighing down on you like a ton of textbooks? Well, grab a snack and get cozy, because we’re about to dive into some totally legit (and not at all ridiculous) tips for dealing with all that college app angst.

Tip #1: Embrace Your Inner Procrastinator

Let’s be real – filling out all those application forms and writing eleventy billion essays is about as fun as getting a root canal from a drunk dentist. So why not lean into your procrastination tendencies and put off that misery for as long as possible?

Some tried and true procrastination techniques:

• Reorganize your sock drawer by color, fabric, and level of holiness
• Teach yourself to knit tiny sweaters for squirrels
• Perfect your impression of Chewbacca gargling mouthwash
• Contemplate the meaning of life while staring at a blank wall

Remember, every minute spent NOT working on your apps is a minute of blissful denial. Ignorance is bliss and procrastination is king!

Tip #2: Bribe Your Recommenders With Baked Goods

You know what they say – the way to a teacher’s heart is through their stomach. Or something like that. In any case, a well-timed plate of brownies or tray of cookies can do wonders when it comes to securing those glowing letters of recommendation.

Some tantalizing treat ideas:

• Cookies iced to look like miniature diplomas
• Cupcakes with the logos of your top choice schools
• A 3-tier cake that reads “I’m a delight to have in class” when you cut into it
• Homemade pop tarts bursting with flattery and sprinkles

Nothing says “I deserve to get into an Ivy” like a mouthful of sugary bribery. Just make sure to wipe the crumbs off your application before hitting submit.

Tip #3: Interpretive Dance Your Way to an Acceptance

Listen, those stuffy old admission officers have to read THOUSANDS of boring essays from try-hard teens vying for a spot at their precious university. Stand out from the crowd by ditching the traditional personal statement in favor of an interpretive dance that expresses your unique personality and talents.

Some song suggestions for your admission dance:

• “Barbie Girl” by Aqua
• “Thong Song” by Sisqo
• The Macarena (duh)
• Cotton Eye Joe (for a more rustic vibe)

Just picture it – you, a dimly lit dorm room, an admissions officer on FaceTime. You press play, toss your hair with wild abandon, and twirl your way into Harvard’s heart. 100% foolproof!

Tip #4: Print Your Application on Glittery Paper

First impressions matter. And what makes a better impression than an application that looks like a kindergartener’s craft project? Bust out the glitter glue, puffy paint, and Lisa Frank stickers – it’s time to get crafty.

Tips for decorating your app:

• Paste your transcripts on a rainbow gradient background
• Add 3D pop-up elements to your extracurricular list
• Hand bedazzle your SSN for extra security
• Spritz your essay with cotton candy body spray

Go ahead, let your freak flag fly! Those application readers won’t know what hit ’em. At the very least, you’ll be memorable (even if it’s for all the wrong reasons).

Tip #5: Just Wing It

When in doubt, channel your inner Larry Bird and just wing that application like a 3-pointer at the buzzer. Who needs careful proofreading or heartfelt essays when you can slap together something at 3am the night it’s due?

Things to include when you’re winging it:

• A haiku about your dog instead of an activities list
• Random excerpts from Twilight in place of your essay
• “Accomplishments” like once eating 37 Twinkies in one sitting
• Your astrological sign and Hogwarts house (#teamslytherin)

Will your application even be in English? Who knows! That’s the beauty of flying by the seat of your pants. No regrets!

Tip #6: Have Your Parents Fill Everything Out

What’s the point of having parents if you can’t outsource all your responsibilities to them? Sit back, relax, and let Mom and Dad stress over your application. After all, they’ve been helicoptering your whole life – what’s one more hovering mission?

Key benefits of parent-completed apps:

• Actual coherent writing (not crammed with outdated slang)
• Relevant details about your achievements (not Tiktok references)
• Strategically chosen essay topics (no copy/pasted Reddit posts)
• A much bigger budget for application fees (thanks Bank of Dad!)

Remember, if you do NONE of the work, then you’ll feel NONE of the stress. It’s simple math, really. So kick back, queue up some Fortnite, and let the ‘rentals take the wheel.

Tip #7: Get a Hobby That Makes You Seem Deep

Nothing pads out an application quite like the pretentious pursuit of a “meaningful” hobby. Something that screams “I contain multitudes” to weary application readers.

Some hobbies to consider:

• Mushroom foraging (the more obscure, the better)
• Collecting antique doorknobs
• Writing moody poetry in graveyards
• Attending avant-garde theater no one understands
• Bird watching (but make it edgy – try vulture watching)

If it wouldn’t be out of place in a Wes Anderson movie, then congratulations! You’ve found your application-worthy hobby. Prepare to expound upon your newfound passion in a series of brooding black and white photos.

Tip #8: Just Scream Into the Void

When all else fails, find a nice deserted area (field, forest, abandoned warehouse, etc.), take a deep breath, and scream out all your college-related frustrations into the unfeeling void.

What to scream:

• The entire alphabet backwards
• Conjugations of irregular verbs
• Pi to the 100th digit
• Guttural, wordless shrieks of existential angst

There’s nothing like a cathartic shriek session to really put the whole “deciding the trajectory of your future” thing into perspective. Bonus points if you perform your scream in the vicinity of a college admissions office.

Tip #9: Manifest Your Acceptance

Forget grades, scores, and accomplishments – these days it’s all about manifesting, baby! Put those positive vibes out into the universe and wait for the acceptance letters to come rolling in.

How to manifest like a pro:

• Chant “I got into Stanford” while burning scented candles
• Visualize yourself frolicking on Harvard Yard with a latte
• Write “NYU Class of 2028” on your mirror in lipstick
• Make a dreamcatcher out of old SAT prep guides

If you believe it, you can achieve it! Or something like that. At the very least, the manifestation process should distract you from the crippling dread of college app season.

Tip #10: Realize It’s All a Crapshoot Anyway

At the end of the day, trying to predict what colleges want is like trying to understand the ending of Inception – impossible and likely to make your head hurt. My advice? Take a cue from the esteemed scholars of High School Musical and embrace the “we’re all in this together” mentality.

Things to remember:

• Your self-worth is not determined by a college acceptance
• It’s okay to have a safety school (or five)
• You’re going to do amazing things no matter where you end up
• The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

So take a deep breath, eat some cookie dough, and remember – you are a delightful tropical fish in a sea of college-bound plankton. Keep on swimming and don’t let the admissions piranhas get you down!

Well folks, there you have it – the ULTIMATE guide to handling the college application process like a pro (or at least like a somewhat functioning human). Just keep these tips in your back pocket, don’t take yourself too seriously, and remember – in ten years, no one will care where you went to school. They WILL care that you have hilarious stories about the time you sent Harvard an interpretive dance video set to the “I’m a Little Teapot” song.

So go forth, be bold, and may the odds be ever in your favor! Meanwhile, I’ll be here, perfecting my recipe for “please let me into your university” brownies. TTFN!