8 Tips to Convince Your Aunt She’ll Go to Hell if She Doesn’t Change Her Ways

Last Updated on July 27, 2024 by Michael

Aunt Karen has been getting on your nerves for years, and now it’s time to give her a wake-up call. You’ve tried subtle hints, heartfelt talks, and even passive-aggressive Facebook posts, but nothing’s worked. It’s time to play hardball and make her believe she’s hell-bound if she doesn’t change her wicked ways. Here’s your outrageous, edgy, and absolutely over-the-top guide to make it happen.

1. “Ghost of Christmas Future Ain’t Got Nothing on Me”

It’s time to go full Dickens on her. You need to be scarier than the Ghost of Christmas Future on steroids. Rent a smoke machine, wear a black robe, and make your voice sound like a demon gargling nails.

Show up at her house at 3 AM, because nothing says “you’re going to hell” like disrupting her beauty sleep. When she answers the door, unleash your best horror movie lines about eternal damnation. Mention her worst habits: the time she stole a pie at Thanksgiving, or her penchant for criticizing everyone’s life choices.

If she doesn’t start shaking, add some props. A glowing red pitchfork, perhaps? A soundtrack of wailing souls from a hidden speaker? The more theatrical, the better.

2. “Satan’s Coming to Dinner, and He’s Pissed”

Invite Aunt Karen over for dinner, but don’t tell her she’s the main course. Decorate your house like the set of a horror movie. Blood (fake, unless you’re feeling really extreme) splattered on the walls, candles everywhere, and a table set with skulls and crossbones.

Serve a menu of “hellish” dishes: Deviled eggs, ghost pepper chili, and lava cake. Throughout the meal, casually drop hints about how Satan himself RSVP’d and can’t wait to meet her.

As dessert arrives, unveil your pièce de résistance: a Satan-shaped cake with “See you soon!” written in red icing. Watch her face as she realizes that she’s on the guest list for Hell’s eternal BBQ.

3. “Hell’s Reality Show: Keeping Up with Karen”

Make her the star of her very own hellish reality show. Set up hidden cameras around her house and edit together a “highlight reel” of her worst moments.

Hire some out-of-work actors to play demons who critique her every move. “Karen, we noticed you yelled at a waiter for bringing you the wrong salad dressing. That’s a one-way ticket to Hell’s VIP section!”

Host a viewing party with family and friends. When she sees everyone laughing at her terrible behavior, she might just start to realize she needs to change. If not, at least everyone gets a good laugh.

4. “Your Personal Hell Horoscope”

Everyone loves a good horoscope, right? Create a fake astrology chart predicting her fiery doom if she doesn’t change her ways. Make it official-looking with fancy fonts and a wax seal.

Hand-deliver it, or better yet, get a psychic medium to present it to her during a dramatic séance. Let her know that the stars have aligned and they’re spelling out “H-E-L-L” in big, flaming letters.

Include some personal touches in her horoscope. “Mars in retrograde means you’ll be eating scorpions for breakfast if you don’t stop gossiping.” The more specific and terrifying, the better.

5. “Eternal Damnation by DIY Hell Simulator”

Create a DIY Hell Simulator in your basement. Think haunted house but with more fire and brimstone.

Set up different “stations” of torment based on her worst behaviors. Does she lie a lot? Have a room where the walls are plastered with her lies, with creepy mannequins whispering them back to her. Is she a kleptomaniac? A room full of stolen goods that catch fire at random intervals.

Invite her over under the guise of a fun family activity. When she realizes she’s in Hell’s waiting room, she might just reconsider her life choices.

6. “Heaven’s Hotline Bling: Sorry, Karen, You’re Blocked”

Create a fake “Heaven’s Hotline” and leave her voicemail messages from “St. Peter.” Use a voice changer app to sound angelic yet stern.

Have St. Peter outline all the reasons why she’s currently on Heaven’s “no-fly” list. “Karen, this is your final warning. The pearly gates are closing, and your application has been denied due to excessive nagging and general unpleasantness.”

To really hammer it home, send her official-looking rejection letters from Heaven. Use gold paper and angel stamps. Nothing says “change your ways” like a celestial cease and desist.

7. “Bad Habits Bingo: Hell Edition”

Turn her bad habits into a fun game of Bingo. Make a custom Bingo card featuring all her worst traits: “Talking during movies,” “Cutting in line,” “Complaining about everything.”

Organize a family game night and pull out the Bingo cards. Every time she commits one of her sins, someone gets to mark off a square.

When someone yells “Bingo!” have a pre-recorded message play: “Congratulations! You’ve won a one-way ticket to Hell!” Hand out fiery-red Bingo markers and devil horns as prizes.

8. “Personalized Hell Scrapbook”

Gather photos and mementos from all the times she’s been a pain in the ass. Put together a scrapbook, but instead of fond memories, fill it with reminders of her terrible behavior.

Include captions like “Remember when you ruined Christmas by bringing up politics?” or “That time you told the bride her dress was ugly at her own wedding.”

Present it to her as a gift. Nothing says “I love you, change your ways” like a trip down memory lane with a detour through the gates of Hell.

Conclusion

Convincing Aunt Karen that she’s on a fast track to Hell might seem extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. With these tips, you’re not just helping her avoid eternal damnation—you’re also providing the family with endless entertainment. Whether she changes her ways or not, at least you’ll have some wild stories to tell at the next family reunion.