How to Plan a Wedding Without the Stress

Last Updated on November 16, 2024 by Michael

Lovebirds, buckle in. You’re about to plan a wedding, and honestly, there’s a decent chance you’ll want to break out the chainsaw before you’re halfway through organizing the seating chart. Weddings are an ancient ritual designed to test human limits, and I’m here to help you cheat on this test without getting caught. Forget about expensive planners, Pinterest-perfect nonsense, and pretending like you’re royalty. Let’s do this thing without losing your mind, your wallet, or any important body parts.

The Flowers Are Alive, And They Are Hungry For Blood

Listen. Flowers are overrated. Why do people even want these weird plant reproductive organs on every table? There’s always that one cousin who gets way too excited about lilies and ends up hugging them until their allergies turn into a full-blown emergency. If you’re looking to save a few bucks and avoid a few hours of agonizing deliberation, consider replacing all the flowers with things that won’t require a botany degree to identify.

Try balloons. Balloons are way more fun. If you get bored, you can inhale helium and laugh like a villain for hours. Imagine Aunt Susan, who’s usually more rigid than a cathedral door, with a helium voice saying, “I do declare, the roast is marvelous.” Now, that’s entertainment. Also, balloons won’t make anyone sneeze unless they’re made of bees. But don’t do that—bees are unreliable.

Or maybe fill the space with cardboard cutouts of things you find amusing. Want a life-sized giraffe by the buffet table? Do it. Want a cardboard Nicolas Cage strategically placed at the entrance to make people wonder if he’s actually going to show up? You absolutely should.

Another option—totally unhinged, but perfect—is carnivorous plants. Picture Venus flytraps elegantly decorating the aisles, just waiting for some wayward mosquito to wander too close. Will guests be terrified? Absolutely. But will they also secretly think it’s the coolest wedding they’ve ever been to? You bet.

If you’re dead-set on traditional flowers, though, at least get the ones that smell nice. Not the ones that smell like your great aunt’s living room—you know, that special blend of musty potpourri and mysterious old fabric.

Invitations: The Art of Confusing Your Guests

Wedding invitations are supposed to be straightforward: names, date, location, done. But why settle for straightforward when you can send people into a mild panic? Consider using cryptic phrasing like, “You are cordially invited to the convergence of two destinies at coordinates X, Y.” Or make them RSVP by completing a Sudoku puzzle. Better yet, include a scavenger hunt that reveals the wedding date when completed. The goal here is to make them work for it, and to add a dash of chaos to the proceedings.

If you want to get really weird, you can leave instructions that seem simple but get progressively more confusing. Ask your guests to bring an item with them to the ceremony, but don’t tell them why. Perhaps they need to bring something green, or something that starts with the letter ‘Z’. They’ll spend weeks agonizing over what to bring, and you’ll get a collection of random objects that make for a fun guessing game at the reception.

And speaking of RSVPs, forget the digital RSVP. Make people send in their responses by carrier pigeon or in Morse code. People who really want to come will figure it out; the rest weren’t worth the effort anyway. It’s your day—make them prove their loyalty. Or just send them blank postcards and see how many people are creative enough to make their own invitations.

If you’re feeling particularly generous, you could send each guest a mysterious package containing clues about the wedding. Maybe they need to assemble the clues together to figure out where and when the wedding is happening. It’ll be like a low-stakes version of National Treasure, and who doesn’t love a good puzzle?

Another idea is to send out invitations that are overly dramatic. Write them like a proclamation from an ancient kingdom. “You are hereby summoned to witness the union of two magnificent souls, for failure to attend will incur the wrath of the Great Elders.” If they think they’re about to get cursed, they might actually show up on time.

If you’re tired of tradition altogether, consider going entirely electronic—but add a twist. Send a cryptic QR code that leads to a mysterious webpage with only an image of a cat wearing a tuxedo. No explanation. Just the cat. People will have questions, but that’s what makes it perfect.

Once you’ve sent out your confusing invitations, you can sit back and enjoy the wave of bewildered text messages, emails, and Facebook posts from your friends and family. Your work here is done.

Seating Charts: The Thunderdome of Family Dynamics

Let’s be honest—nobody likes the seating chart. It’s the ultimate power move, where you decide who likes who and who needs to be 500 feet away from who. Basically, it’s like curating a zoo of human emotions. Uncle Jerry and Cousin Kim haven’t spoken since ‘96 after the Incident? Better seat them on opposite ends of the venue, ideally with a body of water between them.

Instead of a traditional seating chart, consider seating everyone randomly. Give them cards with cryptic symbols and let them solve the puzzle of where they belong, like it’s a terrible escape room. Alternatively, let the seating be “first come, first served” but with a twist—anytime someone sits down, they have to exchange seats with someone else at random intervals. Musical chairs for adults, only it’s really just making everyone uncomfortable until they bond over the mutual awkwardness.

For ultimate chaos, assign seats based on astrological compatibility. You’re a Gemini? Congratulations, you’re sitting with the other Geminis, and this entire table is officially “the problem table.” Leo’s table will obviously be next to the dance floor because they will need the spotlight at all times. Capricorns? Put them near the exits—they’ll want to get out as soon as things start getting emotional.

Or—wild idea—just remove the chairs altogether and make it a standing room-only affair. You’ll save money on rentals, and the constant discomfort will keep people from lingering too long. Nobody argues with a standing wedding; everyone just wants it to be over. Mission accomplished.

Reception Decor: When Glitter and Chaos Collide

Reception decor can be a nightmare, or it can be a beautiful nightmare. Why settle for elegant when you can make it memorable in the most chaotic way possible? Consider a glitter cannon that activates every 15 minutes, coating everyone and everything in a shimmering haze. Guests will find glitter in strange places for years to come—a little memento of your big day.

Maybe you’re more into inflatable mascots. Who doesn’t want an army of inflatable wacky tube men greeting people at the entrance? Set them to dance at different speeds so it’s like they’re competing for the most ridiculous moves. Nothing says “welcome to our wedding” like a wiggling inflatable dude swaying like it just got some bad news.

If you’re feeling ambitious, make the entire venue a themed space. Want to recreate your favorite fast food restaurant? Go for it. Have fake burger and fries props sitting on each table and use paper crowns like the kind you get at that famous burger joint. Everyone will think you’re out of your mind, but you’ll also have the best photos.

Another idea is random but brilliant—get a bunch of mirrors. Like, too many mirrors. Put them in weird spots, and make people think they’re walking through a funhouse. It’ll keep your guests confused and wondering whether they had too much champagne or if they’ve somehow stepped into a parallel universe.

What about the centerpieces? Avoid the usual suspects. Instead, try items that make absolutely no sense—like a rubber chicken sitting on a mini throne, or a jar full of googly eyes. The point is to keep people guessing, to add a hint of madness, and to create something they’ll remember (even if they don’t quite know why).

Have you considered life-sized cardboard cutouts of celebrities as table markers? Instead of Table 1, you could be at the Ryan Reynolds Table, or the Beyoncé Table. Imagine the conversations sparked just by sitting next to cardboard Ryan Gosling’s brooding face.

Lighting is another thing that doesn’t have to be ordinary. Replace all the regular bulbs with disco lights. When people are trying to find the bathroom and suddenly get hit by a strobe light, they will curse you—but in a loving way. At least they won’t forget your wedding.

If glitter isn’t your thing, try bubbles. Have bubbles raining down on the guests as they eat. It’ll be either enchanting or annoying, depending on how well people can avoid them. It doesn’t matter—you’ll still get excellent photos of people swatting bubbles away from their champagne glasses.

Instead of a guest book, get a large canvas and put a bunch of paint buckets out. Tell people to go wild, make a mess, and create a piece of art to commemorate the day. The results may be horrendous, but you’ll have something completely unique that people contributed to—whether it was because they were inspired or just slightly drunk.

Cake: Sugar-Coated Symbol of Regret

Cake is essential, they say. They are wrong. If you’re anything like me, you have one bite of wedding cake before realizing it’s basically a sugar-dense block of disappointment. Cake is a scam invented by the frosting industry to keep us docile. It’s time to liberate ourselves.

Instead of a cake, how about a 10-foot pyramid of tacos? Or a cheese tower that will make even the French weep with envy? Consider creating a dessert experience that will actually make your guests happy—like a sundae bar with twenty different toppings, or a tray of donuts from that suspicious but amazing hole-in-the-wall donut shop down the road.

Not into donuts? No problem. Why not have a “Build Your Own Dessert” station, where people can make their own Franken-desserts with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, pretzels, gummy bears, and whatever else you find lying around in the pantry? It’ll be chaotic, it’ll be weird, and it’ll taste better than that slab of fondant-covered regret.

If you absolutely must have a cake, at least make it memorable. Make it look like a stack of pancakes. Or like the Death Star. Better yet, a cake that’s actually hollow and filled with something unexpected—like a bunch of smaller cakes. Cakeception.

Ceremony Officiant: Hire Your Weirdest Friend

The officiant sets the tone for your ceremony. You could go with the standard route and hire someone who is officially certified and serious. Or you could take the much more entertaining route: let your weirdest friend do it. Maybe the friend who still thinks they’re going to become a TikTok star or the one who believes they can communicate with pigeons.

Have them get ordained online (because apparently anyone can do that nowadays), and then give them free rein to add their own flair to the ceremony. Let them speak in Shakespearean language, throw in a few sound effects, or use movie quotes to add a dramatic touch. Will your parents be confused? Definitely. Will you care? Not a bit.

If you have a friend with a flair for the theatrical, encourage them to dress the part. Who wouldn’t want to be married by someone in a wizard’s robe, complete with a fake wand and a suspiciously convincing beard? Make the ceremony feel like it’s the beginning of an epic fantasy quest, rather than just some legal procedure.

Another great option is to pick someone who has no experience at all with public speaking. Watching someone awkwardly try to get through the ceremony while occasionally losing their place and nervously laughing is weirdly endearing. It will make the ceremony feel less formal and more like a community effort.

Maybe consider writing the officiant’s script for them, but make it hilariously over-the-top. Every word can be dripping with drama. “We gather here today, on this most fateful of occasions, to witness the profound collision of two souls.” Sprinkle in unnecessary pauses, long stares, and ominous hand gestures.

Or, go full pop culture. Have them include iconic lines from your favorite shows or movies, like “May the force be with you… and also with your marriage.” This will either delight your guests or confuse the heck out of Grandma, which is a win either way.

If you want an officiant who’s truly memorable, find someone who’s willing to throw in some crowd participation. Maybe have the guests yell random words of encouragement during the vows or stand up and do the wave when you say “I do.” It’ll be like a game show crossed with a sporting event, and it’ll keep people on their toes.

For added chaos, give the officiant a secret phrase they have to sneak into the ceremony without anyone noticing. It could be something completely unrelated like “purple narwhal” or “kung fu spaghetti.” Guests who catch it will have the thrill of being in on the joke, and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you pulled off the most confusing ceremony in history.

If you’ve got a friend who does voice impressions, this is their moment to shine. Have them do the entire ceremony in the voice of famous characters. Get married by someone impersonating David Attenborough narrating your lives, or Morgan Freeman, or heck—even Goofy.

DJ or Live Band: Which Will Cause the Least Harm?

Music is the lifeblood of the wedding. Or maybe that’s alcohol. Either way, without good music, it’s just a very expensive dinner where people wear uncomfortable clothes. But choosing between a DJ and a live band? That’s like choosing between getting bitten by a mosquito or a slightly larger mosquito.

DJs are great because they have the playlist of a thousand weddings—unfortunately, it’s usually the exact same playlist for all thousand weddings. By the time the chicken dance starts, you’re questioning your entire life. But at least with a DJ, you have the option to request something bizarre, like Mongolian throat singing, to shake things up.

Live bands, on the other hand, are basically a box of chocolates where half the chocolates are terrible. Sometimes you get a group that can perform an epic cover of “Bohemian Rhapsody” and sometimes you get three dudes who look like they got lost on their way to the local bar and decided to bring their instruments. If you go with a band, at least find one that’s willing to throw in a kazoo solo or wear pirate costumes. Keep them guessing.

If neither option sounds good, just create a Spotify playlist, give control of it to the most chaotic friend you have, and let them make whatever weird decisions they want. There’s something magical about an elegant wedding reception that suddenly shifts to a hardcore 90s rave because the bride’s cousin Dave thought it’d be funny. Chaos is the true spirit of love, right?

Guestbook: Messages of Love or Roast Session?

The traditional guestbook is a place for people to write nice messages and heartfelt well-wishes. That’s sweet, but you can do better. Why not turn it into an opportunity for people to roast you? Instead of “Congrats on your special day!” have your guests write things like “I give it a year” or “You finally trapped them, huh?” It’s all in good fun, and honestly, the humor will make reading it back years later much more enjoyable.

To take it up a notch, turn it into a competition. Have guests write their best roast or joke about the couple, and have everyone vote on the best entry at the end of the night. Winner gets a prize—maybe a toaster with googly eyes glued on it or a framed picture of the couple making their worst facial expressions.

Or go the total nonsense route. Get a giant piece of butcher paper and let people write down random advice, but with a twist—every bit of advice has to be terrible. Like “Always feed your spouse exactly six peas per meal,” or “If they ever disagree with you, challenge them to a duel at dawn.” It’ll be full of weird suggestions that make absolutely no sense, and that’s what makes it perfect.

If you want a more interactive guestbook experience, try getting a Polaroid camera and asking guests to take photos of themselves and write their advice or comments on the photo. Encourage them to make funny faces or pose with weird props, and by the end of the night, you’ll have a chaotic photo album that captures the true spirit of the day.

Not into roasting? No problem. Just make it confusing. Ask your guests to write compliments—but make sure the compliments are about someone else entirely. Imagine opening your guestbook later and seeing “You are the most talented jazz flute player I know.” Neither of you plays jazz flute, but it’ll definitely make you smile.

Or go literary. Get a typewriter and have people write out strange poems or haikus. Nobody actually knows how to use a typewriter anymore, so there’s a high chance you’ll get a collection of random letters and mistakes. It’ll look like an avant-garde piece of modern art by the time it’s over.

For an even stranger twist, make your guestbook a “prediction book.” Ask people to predict strange things about your future together. “I predict you’ll own exactly nine cats by 2035.” “You’re going to move to a remote island and start a cult based on your shared love of pizza.” The more bizarre the predictions, the better.

If you want something tactile, get a collection of rocks and have everyone write a small message on a rock. You’ll end up with a pile of love rocks, and when life gets tough, you can just go outside and hurl them into the void. Very therapeutic.

Instead of messages, ask guests to draw small pictures. Tell them they can only use stick figures, and watch as people try to depict complex wedding advice in the most simplified art possible. Stick figure chaos will ensue, and you’ll end up with a very strange guestbook that Picasso would be proud of.

Another option: provide a series of prompts. “If the couple were a type of cheese, they would be…” or “The one piece of advice I have for them is… but only if they lived in the 18th century.” People will get creative, or at the very least, get confused—and that’s a win.

Wedding Dress or Battle Armor? Fashion Choices That Confuse and Delight

Ah, the dress. The one piece of clothing that will cost more than your rent and leave you unable to pee without a team of assistants. Or… you could go rogue.

Who says it has to be a dress? How about a white jumpsuit? Comfortable, chic, and functional. You could even add pockets! Imagine all the snacks you could store for later when everyone else is too polite to eat. Or go full medieval—wear chainmail. No one will spill wine on your outfit if they’re worried about cutting themselves on your armor.

Want something less practical but way more epic? Go with a cloak. Make it a giant, sweeping cloak with a hood so you can enter the venue looking like a wizard about to cast an important spell. Throw in some LEDs in the lining so it glows in the dark. Why not? It’s your day—make it as ridiculous as possible.

And for the shoes? Don’t torture yourself with heels if you hate them. Go with boots. Combat boots. Preferably the kind that make a lot of noise, so people can hear you coming and know that you’re not messing around. Or wear slippers. No one can stop you. You are the monarch of this day, and monarchs don’t get blisters.

Don’t forget about the veil. Veils are supposed to be ethereal and elegant, but they’re also a fantastic opportunity to mess with people. Get a veil that’s ridiculously long—so long that people have to physically move out of the way to avoid stepping on it. Or skip the veil and wear a crown. But not a regular crown—a crown made of chicken nuggets. It’s the ultimate power move.

Bridesmaids and Groomsmen: Reluctant Allies or Enemies for the Day?

Bridesmaids and groomsmen are supposed to be your ride-or-die crew, but why not turn it into a light-hearted competition? Split them into teams and assign points for various wedding-related tasks. Did a bridesmaid successfully wrangle the flower girl before she knocked over the cake? Point for Team Bride. Did a groomsman give an unsolicited, slightly awkward toast? Minus a point for Team Groom.

If you really want to test their loyalty, give each member of the bridal party an embarrassing mission for the day. They have to complete their mission without the couple figuring out who did it. Missions could include things like “steal the groom’s left shoe for ten minutes” or “convince the bride that there’s a mysterious man named Jerry who keeps asking to speak with her.” Whoever completes their mission the most creatively wins eternal bragging rights.

For added chaos, dress them in outfits that reflect their personalities—but not in a nice way. Have the bridesmaids wear dresses themed after different items found in a junk drawer. One could be “expired coupons,” another “mystery batteries,” and another “keys to things no one remembers.” The groomsmen could have outfits inspired by random conspiracy theories, complete with tinfoil hats.

Or, throw all formality out the window and make it a costume wedding. Every bridesmaid and groomsman gets assigned a theme, and they must adhere to it. One might be a pirate, another an alien, and another a 1980s aerobic instructor. The photos will be completely bizarre, but they’ll be unforgettable.

Consider holding a mini obstacle course that they must complete to earn the right to stand by your side. Put them through ridiculous challenges like balancing cupcakes while walking across a narrow beam, or trying to untangle a giant knot made out of old Christmas lights. Nothing says “friendship” like watching your friends struggle and fail for your amusement.

Maybe go full Game of Thrones and make them compete in a series of strange challenges for the honor of being the “Hand of the Couple.” A little jousting, some tug-of-war, and possibly an epic dance battle. Whoever wins can wear a crown made out of drink stirrers for the rest of the night.

If you’re into sabotage, encourage a prank war between the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Give them the green light to pull ridiculous stunts, like switching the bouquet for a bouquet made entirely out of hot dogs, or replacing the champagne with sparkling grape juice at the last second. The key is to keep it good-spirited and ridiculous.

Want to keep them on their toes? Give the bridal party fake scripts that outline different tasks they need to complete throughout the day. They’ll be panicking over things like “deliver a 15-minute speech about the history of toothpaste” until you let them off the hook at the last moment. Fear, hilarity, and relief all in one day.

Or, consider assigning the bridesmaids and groomsmen to specific duties that are completely absurd. One bridesmaid has to fan you with a giant leaf the entire night. One groomsman is in charge of guarding the dessert table with his life. You’ll have chaos, but you’ll also have all your bases covered.

To ensure nobody gets bored, give each member of the bridal party a scavenger hunt list. They must find specific things during the day, like “someone crying happy tears,” “a child eating something they definitely shouldn’t,” and “a guest over the age of 60 dancing like no one’s watching.” Whoever completes the list first gets to sit down and rest while everyone else keeps working.

Vows: Serious Promises or Creative Threats?

Vows are the part of the ceremony where people usually get emotional and say things like, “I promise to love you forever, through thick and thin.” But why be boring? You’re already committing to spending the rest of your life with someone—why not make it interesting?

Instead of promises, make a list of outrageous things you’ll do for each other. “I promise to fight off at least one raccoon for you in our lifetime.” “I promise to pretend to like your taste in music, even when it’s terrible.” “I swear to always exaggerate your achievements at dinner parties, so everyone thinks you’re at least 20% more impressive than you actually are.”

Or maybe go the other route and turn your vows into creative threats. “If you leave dirty dishes in the sink again, I will hide your favorite socks one by one until you have none left.” “If you eat the last cookie without asking, I will change all your phone contacts to ‘Sirius Black’ and let you figure it out.”

If you want to keep it light but sincere, consider incorporating references that mean something to both of you, but make absolutely no sense to anyone else. Nothing says true love like baffling your family and friends with inside jokes so obscure, they might as well be written in a secret language.

If all else fails, just print out the lyrics to Smash Mouth’s “All Star” and read them with intense emotion. At the end of the day, it’s not what you say—it’s how confidently you say it.

Kid-Free or Kid-Centric: A Wedding With Actual Toddlers on Patrol

The debate over whether to allow kids at your wedding can be exhausting, but why not make it interesting? If you’re allowing kids, make them work for it. Assign them actual roles—like patrolling the perimeter and making sure no guest tries to sneak off before the cake is cut. Give them tiny little reflective vests, clipboards, and walkie-talkies. You’ve never seen a toddler take a job more seriously.

Or go full chaos and give them all disposable cameras. Let them be the official photographers. Sure, you’ll end up with 300 photos of people’s knees and the occasional blurry shot of someone’s backside, but it’ll be a unique perspective on the day, that’s for sure.

Want to keep them entertained? Create a mini “kid casino” with fake poker tables, a pretend bar serving juice shots, and a dance floor where they can bust out moves that are 90% just jumping up and down. Let the kids gamble for snacks like cookies and gummy bears. It’s all fun and games until someone’s sugar high hits at the wrong moment.

Another option—rent a petting zoo for the kids. Put it right next to the dance floor. Nothing says wedding like trying to dance while a goat attempts to chew on your dress. It adds an element of nature that’s somehow both charming and completely unnecessary.

If you want to go kid-free, make it absurdly clear. Send out “No Kids Allowed” notices that are written in the most dramatic tone possible. “By Royal Decree, all children are banned from this event, lest we descend into chaos.” Nobody will argue with that kind of confidence.

Or make it less formal—just say that if any kids show up, they’ll be put to work. If guests try to sneak in their little ones, the kids will be tasked with “cupcake duty,” which involves holding a cupcake without eating it for the entire ceremony. It’s cruel, but also funny.

For the ultimate kid-centric wedding, make them the center of the entire day. Instead of flower girls, have an entire flower army—20 children armed with baskets of petals, pelting the guests with flowers as they walk down the aisle. Turn the reception into a playground, complete with a bounce house and giant slides. The adults may get jealous, but they should have thought of that before growing up.

Alternatively, make all the children your official “security team.” Arm them with Nerf guns and give them permission to shoot anyone who looks like they might try to give a boring speech. The more chaos, the better. Plus, you’re creating memories that no one is likely to forget.

If kids are a maybe, set up a “Kid-Only Zone,” complete with bean bags, a TV showing cartoons, and a build-your-own sundae bar. Essentially, bribe the kids into not making a scene. It works. Kids love ice cream more than they love causing chaos (usually).

Ceremony Exit: Leave Like You’re Escaping a Heist

The ceremony is over, you’re married, and now it’s time to make your grand exit. Most couples go with the classic shower of rice or flower petals. Boring. You need to leave this place like you’re getting out of a crime scene just before the police arrive.

How about a smoke bomb? Nothing says “We did it!” like a dramatic cloud of colored smoke. Your guests won’t be able to see you, and that’s the point. You came, you got married, and now you’re gone—like mysterious wedding ninjas.

If that’s too much, try something slightly less dangerous, like handing out water guns and letting everyone spray you as you leave. Nothing says “romantic send-off” like being pelted with streams of cold water while running for your life.

Another idea: make your getaway in something completely unexpected. A unicycle built for two? A golf cart decorated with action movie decals? Or just sprint down the aisle with no explanation, like you’re fleeing from an ancient curse. The less people understand, the better.

If you’re a fan of surprises, make everyone think you’re about to leave in a fancy car, then hop on a tandem bicycle and pedal away. Bonus points if you’re both wearing aviator sunglasses and matching windbreakers. It’s your exit—leave them confused, leave them laughing, but most importantly, leave.

Wedding Registry: Asking for Ridiculous Stuff You Don’t Need

The wedding registry is your chance to ask for all the things you need to start your new life together—or all the things you absolutely do not need but would be hilarious to receive. Why settle for boring blenders and toasters when you can add a life-sized cardboard cutout of an iguana to your registry?

Consider asking for items that make your guests question everything. A 100-pound bag of rice? Sure. A medieval jousting set? Why not. By the time they’re done browsing your list, they should be texting you to confirm whether or not this is some sort of elaborate joke (it’s not).

If you’re more into experiences, list outlandish “gifts” like hiring a private detective to follow your spouse for a day (just to keep things spicy), or a lifetime supply of beans. Or ask for lessons in obscure activities like cheese sculpting, whale karaoke, or competitive yo-yo. Your guests will have no idea how to fulfill these requests, but the confusion is part of the fun.

Not into weird experiences? Fine. Just make it petty. Ask for items that are specifically meant to inconvenience people. A single slipper, a jar that won’t open, a jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing. Your guests will be baffled, and you’ll end up with the most peculiar collection of gifts imaginable.

Another approach is to add items that seem ordinary but have ridiculously specific conditions. A “red toaster, but only if purchased between 2 and 4 PM on a Tuesday.” A “green pillowcase that has been blessed by a woodland creature.” Imagine people trying to fulfill these oddly specific demands—it’ll add another layer of challenge.

For the food lovers, consider adding an unreasonable quantity of one specific item, like “500 cans of soup” or “an entire year’s worth of marshmallow fluff.” It’s an investment in your future culinary endeavors, even if those endeavors mostly involve drowning in soup.

If you’re feeling extra bold, just ask for cash, but with absurd reasoning. “Please contribute to our dream of becoming pirate radio station operators.” Or, “All proceeds will go towards building an underground lair where we can finally raise our family of pet raccoons.” People will give you money, but they will also wonder what on earth they are funding.

Instead of asking for gifts for yourselves, ask for ridiculous things for others. “Donate a hat to my uncle who never wears hats.” “Give a bouquet of broccoli to our neighbor who definitely doesn’t like broccoli.” It’s a registry with a twist, and it’ll leave your guests scratching their heads.

You could also ask for contributions to an absolutely fake charity. Something like “Save the Invisible Turtles” or “The Society for Protecting Really Bad Ideas.” It’s ridiculous, obviously fake, but also kind of endearing. Maybe someone will actually contribute—who knows.

If you’re feeling particularly nostalgic, ask for items that make no sense without context. “One DVD of Shrek 2, but it must be the original release.” “A set of marbles, to replace the ones I lost in college.” It’s fun, it’s weird, and it makes your guests feel like they’re part of your strange story.

Conclusion: Just Get Married and Don’t Die

Look, at the end of the day, it’s just a party. A very expensive, potentially chaotic, emotionally loaded party—but still just a party. The most important thing is that you’re getting married to someone you’re willing to share your weirdness with forever.

If things go wrong, just remember that no one’s going to remember your centerpieces, but they will remember that time you danced like an inflatable tube man while wearing a tuxedo and socks with tiny hotdogs on them. Keep it weird. Keep it yours. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t take it too seriously. The stress isn’t worth it.