Last Updated on October 23, 2024 by Michael

How to Fake Your Way Through Environmentalism

Alright, gather around, you lazy sloths of modernity. You want to act like you care about the environment without ever really breaking a sweat, giving up your avocado toast, or even getting up off the couch. Good news: I’m here to guide you through that precise goal. The goal of seeming like a planet-saving, Mother Earth-hugging beacon of environmental stewardship while in reality, doing almost absolutely nothing. You won’t break a nail, you won’t lose a minute of beauty sleep, and you’ll definitely still get to sip your oat milk latte in peace. By the end of it, you’ll be so good at pretending, even Greta Thunberg might send you a polite thumbs-up GIF on Twitter. Or maybe she won’t. Who cares, it’s all for show anyway.

Dumpster Diving for Instagram Aesthetic

If you’re not willing to get your hands dirty in the literal sense, fear not. That’s what filters are for. You don’t have to actually dumpster dive. You just have to look like you might consider it if the lighting is right. Wander near an organic farmer’s market, preferably one with compost bins out front. Look serious, maybe squint a little, and have a friend snap a photo of you standing near the compost. Post it with a caption like “Turning trash into treasure, one banana peel at a time. #SaveThePlanet.” Boom. You are now a compost champion.

If someone actually challenges you about composting, just tell them, “I prefer vermiculture.” It’s a word involving worms, so it sounds nasty enough that they’ll probably just nod and pretend they know what you’re talking about, to avoid hearing more. It’s all about planting seeds of doubt, not actually planting seeds.

And just in case you’re asked to demonstrate, make sure you’ve got a mason jar of questionable dark liquid at home. Label it “fermenting for the worms.” No one will want to look inside, but they’ll nod sagely, as though you’ve just bestowed upon them the secrets of the universe.

Trees are Friends: Pick Your Favorite Tree to Hug (Virtually)

Find a picture of a tree online, preferably a really majestic one that looks like it’s been around since dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Photoshop yourself in front of it, arms stretched as though you’re going in for a hug. Bonus points if you add a rainbow or a deer in the background, for that Disney-esque touch.

Tweet this masterpiece with something overly sentimental, like, “This tree has seen history, and now it has seen me. Respect the green. #NatureIsNeat.” Don’t forget to throw in a heart emoji because emojis show you care without requiring any actual emotions. Make sure you never even step foot outside to find this tree. We are here for virtual activism only, people. Getting muddy is for farmers and toddlers.

If someone catches you and asks where that tree is, act indignant. Say something like, “You really think trees should be mapped like some corporate asset? They are sovereign beings.” This will either confuse them or make them think you’re deeper than a wormhole. Either way, you win.

The Recycling Myth and the Magical Bin Labeling

Recycling is hard, okay? You know it, I know it. Plastic, glass, mixed paper—they all look the same after a certain number of tequila shots. But you can still be an eco-warrior! Just put out way more recycling bins than necessary. Go overboard. Have a bin for “Cans,” a bin for “Bottles,” a bin for “Exclusively Toothpaste Caps,” a bin for “Small Plastic Dinosaurs,” and a bin for “Items of Indeterminate Origin.”

Label each bin with confusing instructions. People will come over, see your ridiculous number of recycling stations, and assume you’re on the cutting edge of sustainability. They’ll think, “Wow, they’re doing it at a level beyond my understanding.” Mission accomplished.

Feel free to say things like, “Oh, you didn’t know? Small plastic dinosaurs have to be separated because of the…poly-whatsit molecular…breakdown.” Wave your hand like you’re a wizard, and they will nod, terrified of revealing their ignorance.

Also, never actually recycle correctly. Just throw everything into the landfill bin at the last minute, because guess what? That’s probably where it’s all ending up anyway—you just need to pretend you’re ahead of the game. Out of sight, out of mind, into the landfill it goes. Earth thanks you for your effort, and future archaeologists will appreciate your unique contribution to preserving trash.

Grocery Shopping Like You Just Read an Article About Plastic

Shopping sustainably doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice convenience. It just means you need to accessorize like you’re an eco-conscious celebrity caught by the paparazzi. Buy a dozen reusable grocery bags. You need them in varying colors to match different outfits—being sustainable is no excuse for clashing tones.

When you’re at the checkout, insist on bagging your own groceries. Loudly announce, “Plastic is a curse upon humanity,” while dramatically dropping your organic bananas into your overpriced hemp bag. When you get home, feel free to toss the bananas into your fruit bowl and put that hemp bag right in the back of your car to be forgotten until next winter—where it will slowly develop its own ecosystem, complete with moss and possibly a new species of insect.

For bonus points, hang a string of reusable produce bags in your kitchen. Look sustainable even when no one is around. If you’re ever questioned about them, say, “Oh, I don’t even look at single-use plastic anymore. Hurts my eyes.” They don’t need to know about the drawer filled with Ziploc bags you keep for marinating chicken.

Meatless Monday, Except It’s All Lies

You care about the environment, so you’re obviously doing Meatless Mondays. Here’s a secret: you don’t actually have to do them. You just have to talk about them. Meatless Mondays are not an actual day. They’re a concept. A vibe, if you will.

Post a selfie every Monday with a plate of something vaguely plant-like. It could be a pile of lettuce with a fork stuck in it, a mystery green smoothie, or even a badly cut carrot on a napkin. Caption it, “Meatless Monday vibes. Let’s all do our part. #GreenEating.” After you post, feel free to treat yourself to a bacon cheeseburger. It’s all about maintaining that air of self-righteous sacrifice.

If someone invites you out on a Monday and they order something with meat, just look at them and shake your head solemnly. Whisper, “Meat on a Monday? Brave.” They will feel ashamed, and you will be a beacon of ethical superiority without having made any real effort. A triumph of perception over reality.

Nature Walks in Your Living Room

Nature walks are a whole thing now. You need a good pair of shoes, mosquito repellent, water, probably a hat—the list of necessities is endless, and honestly, exhausting. Here’s a better way: take a “nature walk” through your living room. Find the one plant you haven’t killed yet, walk around it a couple of times, breathe deeply, and proclaim, “This feels right.” Take a picture of your feet next to it—preferably in some ethically sourced slippers—and post with the caption, “Connecting to nature starts at home.”

Should anyone ask where the walk took place, just smile and say, “Nature isn’t somewhere; it’s everywhere.” This will disarm anyone who even dares to try and fact-check you. You’re now a mindfulness influencer. You’re practically untouchable.

Don’t forget to have a tiny spray bottle of water nearby to mist the plant occasionally. Call it a rainstorm. You’re the weather god of your one living fern, and you control its destiny. Just mist it, look wise, and say, “We are the keepers of our own rainforests.” Congratulations, you’ve transcended, achieving inner peace while the plant contemplates its inevitable death.

Solar Panels as Decorations

Solar panels are expensive. You probably can’t afford them, and even if you could, the idea of installing them sounds like the kind of thing that requires actual work—an obvious deal-breaker. Instead, just get a solar-powered garden light and leave it on your windowsill.

When friends ask about your contribution to renewable energy, point dramatically to the garden light. Say, “Every step counts.” They’ll nod, unsure whether you’re being serious or profound. That’s the sweet spot.

You could even double down. Grab a few small solar-powered items, like a calculator or a tacky solar-powered dancing flower. Scatter them around your place. When someone questions your eco-credentials, gesture vaguely at your solar-powered collection and say, “I’m just trying to let the sun work for me. They’re my little army of miniature sun-worshippers.”

No one wants to hear more after that. It sounds like you’ve cracked some kind of futuristic energy code. They’ll probably just smile and wish they, too, could harness the power of the sun to wiggle a plastic flower.

Fashionably Conscious, Because Who Cares if it Makes Sense?

Sustainable fashion is a big deal. And by “big deal,” I mean, people care about it on Instagram. Get yourself a couple of thrift store finds—preferably something ugly enough to pass as “vintage chic.” Mismatched socks? Check. A rainbow-striped sweater that smells faintly like regret? Absolutely.

Take a selfie wearing your hideous ensemble and caption it, “Fast fashion is killing the planet, but this outfit is bringing it back to life. #SustainableStyle.” Be sure to use a filter that makes you look like you live in the woods. The goal is to look effortlessly earthy. You need to convince the world you would rather die than buy something made in a sweatshop—even if you secretly have ten pairs of brand-new sneakers stashed in your closet.

If someone calls you out on the fact that your jeans look suspiciously like they came from a recent collection, just say, “Oh, these? Upcycled.” Never explain what that means. Make them feel bad for asking. You’re on a higher plane, one where definitions are murky, and people only wear organic burlap.

Wear mismatched clothes to dinner parties. When asked if it’s a new trend, look pensive and say, “It’s a statement. I’m channeling the chaotic energy of the Earth’s core.” Just leave it at that. People will think you’re making a political point. You’re not—but they don’t need to know that.

Become the Legend of the Neighborhood Litter Patrol

You know what’s easier than actually reducing litter? Being the person who picks up one (yes, just one) piece of litter in front of an audience, and then making sure everyone knows about it. Wear gloves—bright yellow ones, if possible. Go outside at the most crowded time of day, dramatically pick up a soda can, and hold it up like it’s Simba from The Lion King. Announce loudly, “We have to protect our streets!”

If you’re lucky, someone will catch this on camera. If not, no worries. You can always stage a photo. Place a piece of litter strategically, then go into full hero mode while your friend captures the moment. Make sure your caption implies that this is a weekly or even daily occurrence. “Did my part today. Have you done yours?”

Once the performance is over, don’t worry about the rest of the trash. Leave that for someone else. You’re an influencer, not a janitor. Besides, it’s about the symbolism of your action. You touched one piece of garbage for the planet. That’s enough for one lifetime. Honestly, you should be expecting a parade in your honor for your efforts.

For extra points, form a “neighborhood litter patrol.” It should consist of you, your dog (if you have one), and maybe a toddler from down the street who doesn’t know any better. Make a small poster titled, “Litter Ends Here.” Post it on a lamppost, and your environmental legacy will be sealed.

Vegan Cooking Show for Your Cat

Your environmentalism should extend beyond just you; even your pet should be part of the movement. Enter the vegan cooking show for your cat. Here’s the trick: don’t actually cook anything. You just need to look like you’re preparing something elaborate.

Start by gathering random vegetables, preferably ones that are colorful and look vaguely exotic. Arrange them on your kitchen counter with an assortment of spices that have mysterious names. Make sure your cat is somewhere in the shot, looking either bored or annoyed.

Take a photo, caption it, “Cooking up some cruelty-free noms for my feline bestie. #VeganCatLife.” Then, absolutely do not give your cat anything from the counter. Cats hate vegetables, and let’s be real, so do you. Besides, the cat will probably just eat a bug later anyway.

When someone asks what exactly you fed your cat, tell them it’s a “special blend of plant-based nutrients tailored to her unique biological rhythm.” It’s nonsense, but it sounds technical enough that they’ll believe you.

You could also make a video where you pretend to add things to a bowl. Stir dramatically while your cat glares at you. When you’re done, serve the bowl with a flourish, and when the cat walks away in disgust, laugh it off as “Oh, she’s just not hungry right now. #PickyVeganCat.”

For bonus points, keep a container of what looks like grass clippings on hand. Tell people it’s a “superfood garnish” for your cat’s diet. The more obscure you can make it, the more people will think you’re a pet nutrition guru. They don’t need to know it’s actually just from your lawnmower.

The “Totally Organic” Candlelight Dinner

If you’re trying to save the planet, why not host a totally organic, totally pretentious candlelight dinner to show how dedicated you are? Start by buying a bunch of expensive candles—preferably with names like “Forest Whisper” or “Mountain Tears.” Arrange them on your table until it looks like you’re preparing to summon a spirit.

Now, cook the most basic meal imaginable: pasta. The key here is to call it “locally sourced.” No one will care where you got the pasta or the tomatoes—just say you “sourced it locally” with an air of superiority.

Post a photo of the dinner table, dimly lit, with a caption like, “Sometimes saving energy can be romantic. #CandlelightForThePlanet.” Leave out the part where the candles themselves were made in a factory that probably emits more pollution than your entire house.

If guests ask why you’re doing this, sigh dramatically and say, “Electricity is just so…unnatural, you know?” Then gaze into the distance, as if you can actually see the soul of the Earth weeping because someone used a toaster oven. Mention that this is the latest trend among off-the-grid Instagram influencers—people eat this up.

Make sure to tell everyone how this is just a normal dinner for you now. The truth is you’ll go right back to microwaving leftovers the next night, but for this one evening, you’re the poster child of “low-energy luxury.” And yes, that’s a term you just made up, but it sounds legitimate enough.

Adopt a Highway (In Your Imagination)

Adopting a highway sounds like a noble thing to do, but it’s also a lot of work. Instead, just pretend you did it. Take a walk along a random stretch of road, preferably one that isn’t covered in trash, and snap a few photos of you looking determined with a trash bag.

Caption it, “Proud to have adopted this stretch of highway. Keeping it clean for future generations. #AdoptAHwy.” Make sure no one actually asks you which highway it is, because of course, you have no idea.

You could even take it a step further by carrying around one of those grabber tools that people use to pick up litter. Don’t actually use it—just hold it. When people see you with it, they’ll assume you’re out here cleaning up society’s mess. In reality, the only thing you’re cleaning up is your image.

If someone mentions how clean that part of the highway already looks, just say, “It wasn’t always like this. We’ve made so much progress.” Make it sound like a whole community project. No one will argue with you because no one wants to be the person who doesn’t believe in community progress.

And for added flair, buy a reflective safety vest. Nothing says “dedicated to the cause” like high-visibility gear. Wear it even if you’re not near a highway. People will assume you’re on your way to save the planet, one roadside at a time.

Climate Conference Call That Could’ve Been an Email

Saving the environment is all about staying informed—or at least pretending you’re informed. Sign up for virtual climate action meetings. These calls are usually filled with people who actually care, but don’t let that intimidate you. Just join in, mute yourself, and do something else entirely.

Have your camera on, but keep your expression serious. Occasionally nod, and once in a while, unmute yourself to say something vague like, “We need actionable solutions, not just conversations.” This will make everyone think you’re engaged, even though you’re actually just trying to beat your high score in Candy Crush.

If someone asks for your thoughts, say, “I think we should push for carbon neutrality by 2035.” It doesn’t matter if that makes sense or not—people love the word “carbon neutrality.” It sounds impactful and difficult to achieve, which makes it perfect for moments when you need to sound smart without doing any actual research.

To really sell it, put a post-it note behind you that says, “Earth First.” Make sure it’s visible in your background on every call. People will think you’re so committed that you even decorate for the cause.

Post on social media about attending these meetings, using a caption like, “Just got off a climate action call. Feeling inspired to make a difference. #ActOnClimate.” Of course, you don’t have to actually do anything—you’ve already made the difference by logging on, and logging off just in time for your next nap.” Of course, you don’t have to actually do anything—you’ve already made the difference by logging on.

Sustainable Party Favors: Give Them a Rock

Throwing a party is a great way to show everyone how committed you are to the environment—especially if you make the party favors sustainable. Forget plastic trinkets or candies. Give your guests rocks. That’s right, actual rocks.

Before the party, go into your backyard or a local park and gather a bunch of small stones. Clean them up a bit, but not too much—you want them to look “natural.” At the end of the party, hand one to each guest with a smile and say, “Mother Earth provides us with everything we need. This is my gift to you.”

If anyone looks confused, just nod solemnly. Act like you’ve just imparted deep wisdom. Rocks are heavy, symbolic, and above all, free. They are the ultimate sustainable party favor. Guests will probably spend a moment trying to figure out if the rock is secretly a symbol of something deep.

Make sure to write a post about how the guests “loved their eco-friendly party favors.” Add a picture of the rocks in a basket, captioned, “Nature’s gifts are the best gifts. #SustainableCelebration.” The irony is that they’ll probably just throw the rocks back into their yard, but hey, at least it wasn’t plastic.

To make it even more absurd, draw little smiley faces on each rock. Tell people they are “pet rocks, no feeding required.” Pretend that they’re an ancient form of gifting, and throw in a completely fake backstory about how ancient civilizations used rocks to signify friendship.

For added effect, mention how this could be the next big trend in zero-waste party planning. You never know—people love to jump on trends, especially when they make absolutely no sense.