Okay so. You’re staring at that extension cord like it owes you money. Or like it’s food. And somewhere in that skull of yours, a single brain cell—the same one that makes you smell milk to see if it’s bad even though the date says it expired three weeks ago—that brain cell goes: “wonder what…
Right, so you fancy yourself some kind of retail ninja. Hate to break it to you, but stuffing merchandise down your pants doesn’t make you Ocean’s Eleven. It makes you Ocean’s Minus Three—as in, three brain cells short of a functioning human. Your Legal Team Has Given Up 1. The judge doesn’t even pretend to…
So you’re holding that insulin pen like it owes you money. The negotiation happening in your brain right now is fascinating. “Maybe today’s different,” you’re thinking. “Maybe my pancreas finally got its shit together.” Like it’s been on a self-improvement journey. Like it went to therapy and decided to start working again. Your pancreas is…
Everyone acts like getting abducted by aliens is this transcendent experience. Like you’re gonna come back enlightened, maybe with some cool space wisdom about the meaning of life. Bullshit. Getting abducted is like being kidnapped by DMV employees who happen to have spaceships and zero understanding of human anatomy. Here’s why it sucks, in excruciating…
Alright. You searched for this. That happened. Right now, somewhere in Silicon Valley, a Google engineer is staring at your search query and questioning everything they thought they knew about human behavior. Your internet service provider just held an emergency meeting. Amazon’s algorithm is confused why you’re suddenly getting ads for therapy. But here you…
So someone sent you this link, huh? Yeah, they didn’t send it because they thought you’d enjoy a fun listicle. This is an intervention disguised as content. You’re the guy who eats corn like you’re trying to win a typewriter competition. The person who turns soup—SOUP—into a percussion instrument. The Dating Apocalypse (Reasons 1-25) 1….