Dentures and a heavy night out have never been friends. Somewhere past the fourth pint, your teeth quietly develop ambitions of their own. A loose denture and eight lagers is not a partnership. It is a hostage situation, and the hostage is winning. You were never consulted on the itinerary. They will leave. The only…
There is a specific man. You have met him. He stood too close at a wedding and told you, unprompted, what his watch “appreciates at.” He does not own clothes. He owns evidence. Every garment on his body is People’s Exhibit A in the ongoing trial of whether he is doing okay. He would like…
Mock dog meat tacos are the dietary equivalent of telling your therapist “asking for a friend.” The concept is simple. Plant-based protein, seasoned aggressively, stuffed into a tortilla, and named after the family pet someone has been side-eyeing since the second glass of wine. Nobody eats dogs here. That’s the whole point of “mock,” which…
A tuba weighs about thirty pounds and produces exactly one emotion in the people nearby: alarm. It is the only instrument you can hear forming an opinion about your life choices. So the worst places to practice your tuba are, by simple physics, anywhere a human being is currently sleeping, grieving, praying, or trying to…
Somewhere right now, a responsible adult is handing a face-painted stranger $300 and the emotional safety of twelve children. That stranger is a clown. The adult is you. And you are about to make several catastrophic errors. Renting a clown looks idiot-proof. It is not. Professional clowns run $100 to $300 for a single hour,…
Licking an electric socket is the fastest way to turn your own face into a science fair project. The short version: a wet tongue plus 120 volts equals your heart filing for early retirement, and the wall does not care about your feelings. Still, the temptation lurks. That little plastic face on the wall has…