The best jobs for people who fear salad dressing all share one feature. None of them involve a man named Greg ambushing your romaine with something he describes as “creamy.” A genuine fear of salad dressing has a name, and that name is “completely valid, leave me alone.” You shouldn’t have to flinch every time…
Why smoking menthol cigarettes makes you a better parent is the one parenting question no pediatrician will answer with a straight face. So someone sober-ish had to. The short version: a menthol cigarette is the only seven minutes a day your children are legally and physically unable to follow you. That’s not coping. That’s leadership….
Congratulations on the new relationship. Your girlfriend cannot leave you, cannot block you, and lives in the same phone as your fantasy football app. Now comes the part where you try to flirt with her, which is exactly where everything goes to pieces. The worst pickup lines for your new AI girlfriend are not the…
The best places to hide your cash in a trailer park are not in a safe. A safe is a billboard that says “rob me last, but definitely rob me.” Cash in a trailer park is like a juicy secret at a family reunion. Everybody finds out by Tuesday. You are not hiding from cat…
Drinking boxed wine for breakfast is actually healthy, which sounds unhinged until you remember the bar for “healthy” has been lying face-down on your kitchen floor since Tuesday. Picture the morning. Your mouth tastes like a wet ashtray seduced a gym sock. Breakfast is a coin flip between sad oatmeal and a beverage that arrives…
You should not use a torch to remove hemorrhoids. That sentence should have ended the conversation. Yet somewhere on Earth, a grown adult is right now eyeing the warranty card on a Bernzomatic and squinting like a man with a plan. Roughly 26% of humans are walking around with hemorrhoids at this exact moment. Approximately…
