So you’ve decided to become the office villain. Good for you! Look, somebody has to be the reason Karen from HR drinks directly from the wine bottle at 2 PM on a Tuesday. Might as well be you and your weapon of mass destruction disguised as lunch. Why Your Salmon Is Basically Air Freshener Everyone…
Okay, so here’s what’s absolutely bananas about living in 2025. We’ve taught computers to paint like Picasso. There’s a billionaire literally trying to upload his brain to the cloud. Your car can summon itself from a parking lot like some kind of four-wheeled golden retriever. But you know what we can’t do? Find. Matching. Socks….
You’re standing in the beef jerky aisle. Again. The cashier recognizes you now. She’s seen the look in your eyes – that hollow stare of someone who lost their teeth but not their will to consume preserved meat products. This is day 47 of your new reality. Welcome to hell. Population: your gums. Let’s Talk…
Your landlord already hates you. Might as well give him a reason. The Part Where This Somehow Makes Sense Look, everyone’s pretending to be an entrepreneur these days. That guy from your gym sells “mindset coaching” which is just him yelling at people on Zoom. Your barista launched a cryptocurrency based on oat milk. Nobody…
So you’re sitting there in your business casual coffin, pretending that synergy is a real word and your life has meaning. Cool. Cool cool cool. Meanwhile, somewhere in Texas, a grown adult in polka dots just made your monthly salary by playing tag with a bull named “Spicy Meatball.” Your Career Counselor Was a Coward…
Alright, let’s talk about your dirty little secret. No, not that one. The other one. The fact that you – yes you, sitting there looking all innocent – personally destroy about 100 rolls of toilet paper every year. That’s roughly one entire tree’s worth of nature’s finest, sacrificed annually to your nethers. Sit with that…