The Ham on Gordon Pike’s Head Was Not a Hairpiece By the time Gordon Pike realized the garment steamer was cooking his toupee, the damage had become philosophical. He shut the steamer off. The toupee remained draped over the towel rack. Steam rose from it. Gordon stared. “No.” He took it down. One side had…
Some baby names sound like poetry. Others sound like the thing that dinged at 2 a.m. because the rinse cycle finished. The 17 baby names that sound like kitchen appliances below are all one showroom catalog away from a lawsuit. And every one of them has landed on a real birth certificate somewhere, printed by…
There is a specific kind of hubris that belongs to a person standing in front of a time machine, holding an EpiPen in one hand and a crumpled tissue in the other, thinking: “Yeah. This will go fine.” That person is you. And no, it will not go fine. Solo time travel tips for people…
Here are the only DIY vasectomy tips for single dads that will not end with a paramedic learning your first name: don’t. Put down whatever you were about to reach for. Back away from your own groin slowly, like it’s a raccoon that got into the garage and now has opinions. You are a single…
So you want to live inside a rented storage unit during the winter. Welcome, you magnificent disaster. Let’s be clear up top. This is illegal in all fifty states, against every lease ever printed, and a great way to meet a firefighter under the worst possible circumstances. None of that stopped you, obviously. You’re already…
A college beer foul is the kind of crime that wouldn’t even make the local news. That is exactly the problem. The cops don’t care. The RA has spiritually retired. The campus liver donor list is being aggressively updated as we speak. Society chose to look the other way. That is how an entire generation…