The left wing of The Tipsy Pelican had pinned Brenda Voss’s sedan against a decorative hedge, and Dewey Quackett considered that a parking problem rather than an aviation problem. Parking belonged to Brenda. Aviation belonged to him. He taxied the old cargo plane through the Golden Acres Senior Residence overflow lot with one webbed foot…
Getting caught sleeping at work is not a career death sentence. It is an audition. What to say when the boss catches you sleeping at work comes down to one ugly truth. The words matter far less than the confidence carrying them. You could recite the company mission statement word for word, but do it…
There is a polite way to tell your urologist his hands are too cold. It mostly involves speaking up before your nervous system does it for you, loudly, in a register only dogs can hear. The short version: warm words from your mouth before the morgue-drawer breadsticks make contact. Your body is going to snitch…
A news helicopter spots a fleeing vehicle and suddenly one idiot’s worst afternoon has graphics, traffic updates, and a sponsored weather ticker. These wildest police chases caught on camera feature stolen ambulances, snack trucks, bulldozers, and one suspect who used breakdancing as a legal strategy. None escaped, but several gave local news enough footage to…
Springfield was already packed with world-class idiots, then somebody found more folding chairs. The top ten new Simpsons characters fans wish never existed brought surprise relatives, temporary crushes, corporate desperation, and the unmistakable smell of a writers’ room saying, “Fine, give him sunglasses.” Fans tolerated the population boom until the remote stopped sticking. #10: Colin…
Some illnesses make you cancel dinner. These ten make you cancel the bathroom’s retirement plans. The ranking weighs dehydration, complications, contagiousness, and the horrifying speed at which an ordinary stomach noise becomes a household emergency. By the time dignity leaves the building, the toilet has already submitted a formal complaint. #10: Norovirus Norovirus is brutally…