You absolute madman. You really woke up and chose violence against common sense, didn’t you? Everyone else is out here worried about parallel parking and you’re like “nah, gonna fly a plane with my eyes closed.” Respect. Misguided, legally questionable respect. Pre-Flight Inspection: Getting to Third Base with a Cessna See that plane? No, you…
Senior Citizen Boy Band Name Ideas: Because Medicare Doesn’t Cover Your Dreams of Stardom Picture this: Tuesday night. Bingo just ended. Frank’s humming “I Want It That Way” while waiting for his heart medication to kick in, and suddenly all six of you are harmonizing over the B-12 row like it’s 1999 and your prostates…
You’re Basically a Human Cement Mixer Ever wonder why people suddenly remember urgent appointments when you start eating? Yeah. That’s not a coincidence. When you chew with your mouth open, you’re creating a live-action food documentary that nobody asked for. You’re directing, producing, and starring in what can only be described as dinner theater’s worst…
A Totally Scientific Economic Analysis That Your Liver Definitely Doesn’t Want You to Read Okay, here’s the thing nobody wants to say out loud: You’re not ruining your life. You’re subsidizing everyone else’s. While your mom’s leaving those passive-aggressive “Dangers of Alcohol” articles on your Facebook wall and your coworkers are doing that fake-concerned head…
Sweet merciful crap, you actually clicked this. Out of all the knowledge in the digital universe — how to get rich, find love, achieve enlightenment — you chose THIS. An article about nose goblins. Your ancestors just collectively facepalmed so hard it registered on seismographs. But you know what? Respect. Takes guts to embrace your…
So you want to host a board game night. Let’s talk about why that’s probably a terrible idea. But also why you should absolutely do it anyway. First Things First: Your Guest List Will Make or Break Everything Six people maximum. Not seven. Not “maybe seven if Jamie brings their roommate.” Six. Write it in…