Disclaimer: This is satire. Pay your bills. The electric company has bills too, probably. So that electric bill just showed up. And it’s… wow. It’s giving “small mortgage payment.” It’s giving “did someone plug the house into the sun?” It’s giving financial ruin with a late fee cherry on top. Here’s the thing about electric…
Alright. Let’s talk about the terrorist currently occupying your left nostril. You know exactly what’s happening up there. It’s been setting up camp since your morning coffee, and every time you breathe it sounds like someone’s trying to play Flight of the Bumblebee on a broken recorder. Through a straw. Underwater. But here you sit,…
You absolute madman. You really woke up and chose violence against common sense, didn’t you? Everyone else is out here worried about parallel parking and you’re like “nah, gonna fly a plane with my eyes closed.” Respect. Misguided, legally questionable respect. Pre-Flight Inspection: Getting to Third Base with a Cessna See that plane? No, you…
Senior Citizen Boy Band Name Ideas: Because Medicare Doesn’t Cover Your Dreams of Stardom Picture this: Tuesday night. Bingo just ended. Frank’s humming “I Want It That Way” while waiting for his heart medication to kick in, and suddenly all six of you are harmonizing over the B-12 row like it’s 1999 and your prostates…
You’re Basically a Human Cement Mixer Ever wonder why people suddenly remember urgent appointments when you start eating? Yeah. That’s not a coincidence. When you chew with your mouth open, you’re creating a live-action food documentary that nobody asked for. You’re directing, producing, and starring in what can only be described as dinner theater’s worst…
A Totally Scientific Economic Analysis That Your Liver Definitely Doesn’t Want You to Read Okay, here’s the thing nobody wants to say out loud: You’re not ruining your life. You’re subsidizing everyone else’s. While your mom’s leaving those passive-aggressive “Dangers of Alcohol” articles on your Facebook wall and your coworkers are doing that fake-concerned head…