Alright, so you picked up a tooth off the sidewalk. Just… let that sink in for a second. While everyone else was walking to Starbucks like normal members of society, you stopped, bent down, and grabbed what is essentially mouth shrapnel from a complete stranger. You’re now holding someone’s former chewing apparatus. Their enamel. Their…
Acceptable Situations for Soiling Yourself on Public Transit: A Comprehensive Guide Alright. We’re doing this. Nobody asked for this guide but here we are, staring into the abyss of humanity’s darkest moment, and the abyss is shaped like a subway car that smells like hot dog water and broken dreams. Let’s Establish the Ground Rules…
Blue lights. That specific shade of oh-shit-blue that makes your sphincter achieve dimensions previously only theorized by quantum physicists. And there you are, sitting in your Honda Civic that still has the “Baby on Board” sticker from the previous owner (there’s no baby, you just thought it might make cops go easier on you), trying…
Therapy costs $200 an hour and they make you talk about your mother. Know what’s free? Absolutely destroying Gerald’s will to live while he checks receipts at the door. The Beautiful Truth About Walmart Greeters These people have ascended. They’ve witnessed the collapse of human civilization one returned birthday cake at a time. You think…
Alright, let’s address the elephant in the room. The elephant that Bobby would probably tattoo as a “large dog with a weird nose.” You’re here because you saw that Groupon. Ninety percent off at Blind Bobby’s Tattoo Emporium. You screenshot it. You sent it to the group chat as a joke. Then Derek said “bet…
You’re standing in the frozen foods section at Trader Joe’s and it’s happening. That little throat tingle. The eye burn. Your lower lip doing that stupid wobbly thing. Maybe it’s because they moved the everything bagel seasoning again. Maybe it’s because that song from 2011 is playing overhead. Maybe it’s because you just remembered swans…