Let’s get one thing straight: you’re not here for permission. You’re here for validation. You’ve already decided to permanently brand yourself with the King of Rock and Roll, and now you’re just shopping for which flavor of regret tastes best. Your search history says “Elvis tattoo ideas” but your credit score says “please reconsider.” The…
Okay, let’s get something straight. You’ve been paying into social security since disco was a thing, your 401k survived three recessions and a pandemic, and your reward is… Florida? Seriously? The universe contains more planets than grains of sand on every beach on Earth, and humanity’s grand retirement plan is to move slightly further south…
Let’s skip the foreplay here. You just shit yourself in Target. Not “had a little accident.” Not “experienced some discomfort.” You literally just turned your pants into a biohazard while standing next to a display of Live, Laugh, Love wall decals that are somehow less embarrassing than what’s currently happening in your underwear. And now…
Okay, so here’s what happened. Somewhere between the pandemic, the dating app apocalypse, and that guy who asked if vaginas have bones, your vagina said “fuck it” and started preparing for the end times. And honestly? Good for her. 1. She’s Started Hoarding Toilet Paper (And Everything Else) That tampon that mysteriously vanished from your…
The Etiquette of Pooping in a Public Pool: A Gentleman’s Guide to Aquatic Disasters Disclaimer: This is satire. Anyone who actually follows this advice deserves whatever happens next. Look. Nobody wants to have this conversation. But here we are, pretending there’s actually etiquette for committing what is essentially a war crime against summer fun. You’re…
The Ultimate Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card for Social Disasters You’re at Karen’s house party. Again. She’s cornered you by the cheese plate and launched into her forty-minute TED talk about why crystals cure everything except her personality disorder. Your options? Fake a seizure. Claim your car is being towed. Or… Turn your temperamental gut into social superpowers….