Party Tricks – Norveilex.com

So you lost a leg and gained a $50,000 piece of hardware that makes transformer sounds when you walk. And you're just... walking with it? Like some kind of pedestrian? Listen, everybody at that party has two boring meat legs that do nothing but transport their disappointing personality from the chips to the bathroom. You? You've got detachable parts and you're wasting them on WALKING? That's like owning a flamethrower and using it to light birthday candles. Time to get weird with it. 1. The Classic "Oops, There Goes My Leg" Gag Nothing – absolutely nothing – will ever be funnier than watching Karen from HR's face when your leg flies off during the Electric Slide. Here's how you know you've nailed the timing: at least one person drops their drink, someone says "oh my god" loud enough to stop the music, and there's that beautiful three-second silence where everyone's brain just... stops. Like you just divided by zero in front of them. That silence? That's what victory sounds like. You hop over (maintain eye contact with the most uncomfortable person, this is crucial), grab your leg, and say something completely unrelated like "Has anyone seen a cat around here? Orange tabby? Answers to Chairman Meow?" The chaos. The absolute anarchy you've just created. Someone's definitely telling this story at their therapist next week, and that therapist won't believe them. Look, if you're not traumatizing at least three people per party, are you even using your prosthetic to its full potential? No. The answer is no. 2. The Ultimate Beer Holder You see that guy trying to hold four beers while eating wings? Pathetic. Your Setup Drink Capacity Social Status Achieved Likelihood of Arrest Basic holder 1 "Recently divorced" Zero The Kraken 8 "Party God" Moderate LED Disco Fountain 2 "That person from the stories" Depends on the strobe frequency The Lazy Susan of Chaos 6 "Probably should be studied by scientists" High if you add pyrotechnics You're basically a walking, sentient bar cart who can also do the Macarena. Try explaining that to your competition. 3. Hiding Snacks Like You're Smuggling State Secrets Fourteen dollars for a soft pretzel at the game? They're out of their minds. Your leg is basically the Tardis of snacks now. Bigger on the inside. Defying all laws of physics and several health codes. Last week someone fit an entire charcuterie board in there. Not a small one either – we're talking three types of cheese, those little cornichon pickles, some kind of jam that nobody touches but looks fancy. Full spread. Security waved them through because what are they gonna do, accuse someone of having suspicious prosciutto? In their LEG? (Yes, that happened. No, nobody knows how. Stop asking questions and start thinking about what you're smuggling into the next Marvel movie. Three hours is a long time to survive on overpriced Sour Patch Kids.) 4. The "Leg Loan" Power Move "Hey can you help me reach—" Already unscrewing leg "Take it." The way their face just breaks. Like you just handed them a live salmon and asked them to babysit it. They don't know whether to say thank you or call an ambulance. They're holding your LEG and having an existential crisis while you're hopping away to get another beer. 5. The Transformer Reveal Tuesday: Sensible titanium. Friday: The disco ball disaster. Saturday at 2 AM: The one with flames painted on it because you make good decisions. That person who brought a change of outfit? Adorable. You brought additional LIMBS. You're playing checkers, they're playing chess, and you just showed up with Monopoly money and somehow you're winning. Know what really sells this? Coming back from the bathroom as a completely different cyborg. Like you're the Beyoncé of prosthetics. Quick change. New leg. Maybe a fog machine if you're feeling theatrical (you should always be feeling theatrical). People will think they're losing their minds. "Wasn't that carbon fiber five minutes ago? Am I having a stroke? Is this what a stroke feels like?" 6. Winning Every Bet Ever Drunk people think they understand anatomy. They don't even understand how they got home last Tuesday. "Bet you fifty bucks you can't kick yourself in the head." These beautiful idiots. These precious angels who've never met someone who can literally detach their limbs like a LEGO minifigure. Take. Their. Money. All of it. You're not scamming them. You're teaching them a valuable lesson about making assumptions. You're basically a philosophy professor with removable parts. Socrates would be proud. Probably. (He was into weird stuff too.) The best part isn't even the money. It's watching them try to explain to other people what just happened. "So they took off their leg and... no, literally took it off... and then... you had to be there." Nobody ever believes them. Nobody. 7. The Grand Finale Shoe Trick House party. Everyone's doing that awkward shoe-removal shuffle at the door. You unscrew your entire leg – shoe, sock, the whole thing – and lean it against the coat rack. What happens next is art. Pure, unfiltered performance art. Someone gasps. Someone laughs nervously. The host freezes mid-greeting like their brain just got the blue screen of death. There's always that one person who starts slow clapping because they recognize greatness when they see it. And you? You just hop past them all like this is standard operating procedure, grab a beer, and start rating everyone's sock choices loud enough for them to hear. "Minecraft socks, Jeremy? You're thirty-four years old." "Sarah, those are clearly gym socks at a dinner party. Show some respect." Ground Rules for Prosthetic Pandemonium Do This Immediately Never Do This (Unless It's Really Funny) Gaslight people about having two legs five minutes ago Fence with it (without signed waivers) Change your origin story every time Forget it at your ex's house Let kids draw on it with washable markers Let kids draw on it with permanent markers Use it as a prop in charades Use it as an actual weapon Real Talk That Nobody Asked For But You're Getting Anyway Here's the thing nobody tells you about losing a leg: everyone expects you to be "inspirational." To "overcome." To be some kind of walking (hopping?) Hallmark movie about the triumph of the human spirit. Screw. That. You know what's actually inspirational? Turning your insurance-covered titanium appendage into the ultimate party accessory. Making people so uncomfortable they loop back around to comfortable. Being the reason someone has a story that starts with "You're never gonna believe what happened at Derek's barbecue." You could sit there feeling sorry for yourself. OR you could be the person who made forty dollars in bar bets and started three urban legends in one night. Every party has that person who becomes the story. The legend. The one whose antics get whispered about at brunch the next day like they're some kind of cryptid. "Did you SEE what they did with the prosthetic?" "Someone said they pulled an entire rotisserie chicken out of it." "Pretty sure they used it to win beer pong by cheating but nobody could prove it." That's you now. You're the cryptid. You didn't lose a leg. You gained a conversation piece that doubles as a flask holder and triples as a weapon against boring parties. And if someone has a problem with that? Unscrew your leg and point it at them until they leave. Because normal is just a setting on the washing machine, and you don't even do your own laundry.