Time Travel – Norveilex.com

Alright, so you've gotten your hands on a time machine. And instead of using it for literally anything sensible—betting on sports, buying Apple stock in 1997, preventing your most embarrassing moments—you've decided to visit the one period in Earth's history where everything larger than a breadbox wants to murder you. The Mesozoic Era. Home of the dinosaurs. Nature's 186-million-year-long experiment in "how many teeth can we fit on one creature?" This is going to go so well for you. Why This Is Already the Worst Decision You've Ever Made Look, everyone's had that moment watching Jurassic Park where they thought "yeah, but if that was ME, I'd totally survive." No. No, you wouldn't. You know how people in zombie movies are always doing stupid things and you yell at the screen? That's you now, except instead of zombies, it's eight-ton predators with PhD's in disembowelment. Here's what you need to understand: for the entire Mesozoic Era, mammals—your ancestors—were basically scared little fur balls hiding in the ground, coming out at night to nervously nibble seeds while praying nothing noticed them. These weren't stupid creatures. They understood something fundamental that you apparently don't. They knew their place in the food chain: at the bottom, desperately hoping to go unnoticed. But sure, grab your GoPro and let's discuss your impending death. Packing for Your Own Funeral The Supplies That Won't Save You You could pack an entire REI store and it wouldn't matter, but humans love feeling prepared, so here's your shopping list of false hope: Your "Survival" Kit: Running shoes (hilarious—you can't outrun your own bad decisions) Beef jerky, 80 pounds minimum (bribes are your only currency here) Military-grade deodorant (you'll still smell like a McDonald's to them) An air horn (great, now you're loud AND delicious) Hot sauce packets you stole from Chipotle A laminated sign saying "NOT FOOD" in Comic Sans Your phone, fully charged (for those final "guess where I am" posts) Costco-sized pack of adult diapers (trust the process) Emergency flares (ooh, now you're dinner AND entertainment) Let's Talk About Your Physical Capabilities What You Need What You Have How This Ends 40mph sprint You wheeze going upstairs Eaten immediately Tree climbing skills You need help with stepladders Ground-level snack Swimming ability You do that weird doggy paddle thing Mosasaur appetizer Stealth Your joints pop when you stand They heard you from orbit Fighting skills You lost to a push door marked "pull" Comedy gold before death Survival instincts You're reading this guide Natural selection in action Your New Neighbors Are All Nightmares The Celebrity Killers Tyrannosaurus Rex Everyone's favorite. The Leonardo DiCaprio of eating you alive. Seven tons of "evolution peaked here and then just kept going." Those tiny arms everyone laughs about? Each one could curl 400 pounds. Those banana-sized teeth? They're not for show. And please, forget everything Hollywood taught you. T-Rex could see movement better than an eagle, smell you from miles away, and probably had lips. LIPS. So you're getting eaten by something that looks like your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, if your uncle was 40 feet long and considered you finger food. Oh, and they might have hunted in pairs. Because apparently one seven-ton murder machine wasn't enough. They needed backup. Spinosaurus You thought T-Rex was bad? Meet Spinosaurus, the dinosaur that looked at crocodiles and said "pathetic, watch this." This thing swims. Let that sink in. That river you were planning to escape across? That's its living room. That peaceful lake? Its hot tub. Sixty feet of semi-aquatic "fuck your survival plans" with a sail on its back because apparently it needed to be MORE distinctive. As if "massive river monster" wasn't enough of a calling card. Giganotosaurus Bigger than T-Rex. Faster than your reflexes. Zero patience for your nonsense. Scientists named it "giant southern lizard" because by that point they'd exhausted all the creative ways to say "you're absolutely fucked." If you see one, don't run. Don't hide. Just take a selfie for posterity and hope future archaeologists have a sense of humor. The Small Ones (Still Deadly, Now With Friends) Think the little ones can't hurt you? Adorable. Velociraptors: Turkey-sized. Hunt in packs. Smarter than your last three boyfriends combined. They're not just going to eat you; they're going to coordinate it like a dinner party where you're the main course. Deinonychus: What Jurassic Park called Velociraptors, because actual Velociraptors weren't scary enough for Spielberg. Six feet tall with a claw specifically designed to unzip you like a sleeping bag full of meat. Troodon: Nocturnal. Pack hunters. Big brains. It's like if anxiety was a dinosaur and brought all its friends. "Survival" "Strategies" (Heavy Sarcasm Intended) Hide and Seek: You're It, You're Dead Hiding from dinosaurs is like playing hide and seek with creatures that have been world champions for 165 million years straight. While you've been evolving opposable thumbs and anxiety disorders, they've been perfecting the art of finding things that bleed. Want to camouflage yourself? Cool. You're now a hidden snack instead of an obvious one. Planning to climb a tree? Some dinosaurs climbed too. Plus, have you seen yourself try to climb anything? You needed three people to help you over a fence at that music festival. The truth nobody wants to hear: they will find you. These aren't movie monsters with convenient blind spots. These are the culmination of millions of years of evolution saying "let's make the perfect killing machine, but like, 50 different versions." The Nuclear Option: Become Disgusting Playing dead is stupid. Most dinosaurs were opportunistic feeders, which means a non-moving meal is just convenient. You're basically serving yourself up as a prehistoric Happy Meal. Here's your only real shot: dinosaur shit. Not a little. Not strategically placed. Full coverage. Roll in it like a dog that found something dead and decided to make it their whole personality. Get it everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In your hair. Under your nails. In places that will require therapy and possibly an exorcist. Why? Because even a starving Deinonychus has standards. Will it work? No. But at least you'll die with the knowledge that you tried literally everything, including abandoning every principle you've ever held about hygiene and human dignity. Running: An Exercise in Futility You run 8 mph on a good day. 12 mph if something's chasing you. 15 mph if you're literally on fire. The slowest predatory dinosaur? 25 mph while yawning. But hey, run anyway. Die with your heart rate up. It's good cardio. Pick Your Historical Death Scene Triassic Period (252-201 Million Years Ago) Welcome to Earth's rough draft, where everything is wrong and wants you dead. It's hot. Sahara Desert hot, but everywhere, always, with no ice cream trucks. The plants look like someone described plants to an alien who'd never seen them. Oxygen levels are lower, so you're gasping like you just discovered cardio while being hunted by things that haven't even evolved into proper dinosaurs yet. Speaking of which, meet Postosuchus. Imagine a crocodile that decided water was for losers and evolved to sprint after you on land. Sixteen feet of "evolution hasn't figured out safety regulations yet." Jurassic Period (201-145 Million Years Ago) Ah, the classic era. Everything's bigger now. Meaner. More specialized in ruining your whole existence. Stegosaurus arrives with a tail that's basically medieval weaponry. Allosaurus perfects the art of being just the right size to catch everything while being big enough to kill it horribly. Those gentle long-necked giants everyone loves? They're 50 tons of "I didn't see you there" as they accidentally step on you like you're an ant at a picnic. Plus, now things fly. Pterosaurs own the sky, and they're not majestic. They're terrifying. Imagine a flying coat rack with anger issues and a beak that could open cans. Death now comes from land, sea, AND air. Nature's really hitting its stride. Cretaceous Period (145-66 Million Years Ago) The season finale where everyone gets their worst abilities cranked to eleven. T-Rex finally shows up, fashionably late to the murder party. Triceratops gets face spears because regular horns weren't enough. Ankylosaurus becomes a walking tank that chose violence as its entire personality. The ocean? Mosasaurus says no thank you. The sky? Quetzalcoatlus has a 40-foot wingspan and considers you bite-sized. Even the herbivores are done with everyone's shit. Everything has either armor, poison, club tails, or some unholy combination. Want to know the best part? By the end of the Cretaceous, flowering plants finally exist. So at least the world will smell nice while you're being dismembered. A Comprehensive List of Things That Won't Work Your terrible ideas, ranked by stupidity: Taming a dinosaur (this isn't Pokémon, Kyle) Making fire to scare them (congrats, now you're cooked AND raw) Playing dead (it's called a free sample) Building a shelter (you've made a lunchbox) Intimidation tactics (you're as scary as a McNugget) Swimming to safety (Google "Mosasaurus") Reasoning with them (they don't have customer service) Hiding underwater (where the water dinosaurs live, genius) The single worst idea possible: Baby dinosaurs. You see a cute baby Triceratops and your brain goes "awww." Meanwhile, mama—who weighs as much as three SUVs and has three face-mounted railroad spikes—has decided you're a threat. Congratulations, you're about to become the first human puree. Let's Get Real for a Second You're not surviving this. Your ancestors spent the entire Mesozoic Era as rat-things hiding in holes, eating insects in the dark, developing intelligence specifically to avoid being in the exact situation you're voluntarily entering. You're undoing millions of years of evolution because you thought it would be "cool." You can't even handle a bee in your car without having a full meltdown. You think you're going to handle a pack of Velociraptors? You get winded opening pickle jars. You Google "how to adult" unironically. Your greatest survival skill is ordering Uber Eats. The Only Advice That Actually Matters Don't. Fucking. Go. Set your time machine to literally any other point in history. The Black Plague only killed a third of Europe—those are betting odds compared to the Mesozoic. World War I? At least the things trying to kill you are human. The sun exploding? Quicker than being slowly dismembered by a pack of Deinonychus. But you're still going, aren't you? Because humans see a big red button labeled "DO NOT PUSH: CERTAIN DEATH" and immediately think "I wonder what this does?" Fine. When you're standing there in the Cretaceous heat, watching Velociraptors do their little pre-meal coordination dance while your bowels evacuate everything you've eaten since third grade, just remember: you chose this. You had the entire timeline of existence to pick from—past, present, future, parallel dimensions probably—and you chose the one spot where you're not even ON the food chain. You're the footnote that says "*additional calories available if really desperate." Final piece of wisdom: That moment when you first see a real dinosaur? You'll have exactly half a second of "wow, incredible!" before your brain catches up and realizes you're looking at 30 feet of evolutionarily perfected murder machine that considers you a light snack. Cherish that half second. It's the last good moment of your extremely short remaining life. Now if you'll excuse the universe, it needs to start evolving your replacement, because you're about to become a cautionary tale encoded in fossil records. Good luck. You'll need it more than any human has ever needed anything, including oxygen, which coincidentally you'll also be needing a lot of while you scream.