Two heads walked into a Hot Topic in 1997 and only one of them wanted the Korn shirt. That is the foundational trauma of every conjoined twin who lived through the 90s. The decade gave the world low-rise jeans, baby tees, and an aggressive amount of velvet. It gave exactly zero thought to anyone sharing…
Every pair of underwear on earth is involved in a slow, silent negotiation with the person wearing it. The underwear wants to retire. The person wants one more day. This is a conflict older than democracy and significantly less well-documented. Knowing when to change your underwear should be instinctive, like blinking or flinching when someone…
So you want to be an author. That’s beautiful. That’s brave. That’s also statistically one of the worst financial decisions a person can make, right up there with buying a timeshare or trusting a guy named Crypto Steve. But who cares about statistics when there’s a story that needs to be told? Here’s the thing…
Someone had to write this. The internet has been waiting. The dartboards have been waiting. The void has been waiting, and the void is circular and mounted on a wall. You clicked on this article, which says something about you. Either you’re blind and genuinely interested in throwing sharp objects recreationally, or you’re sighted and…
So. You made a face at Thanksgiving. Maybe it was the casserole. Maybe it was that gray meat situation that seemed to be watching you back. Maybe it was the jello mold that contained what appeared to be olives, mandarin oranges, and someone’s abandoned dreams from 1974. Your spouse saw it. Your mother-in-law saw it….
The medical professional gave you the news, and now there’s a situation happening in the lower deck that looks like a pepperoni pizza had a mid-life crisis. It sucks. It’s itchy. It feels like your groin is hosting a tiny, angry Coachella for viruses that nobody invited. But here is the thing: misery is for…
