There are nine signs your mechanic is a horse in a human costume, and you have ignored every single one of them. That weird guy at the shop isn’t “quirky.” He isn’t “old school.” He’s a 1,200-pound prey animal in a Dickies jumpsuit who learned the word “alternator” and decided that was enough. You let…
Smelling like cheap bourbon before lunch is a lifestyle, and lifestyles require alibis. The bad news is that everyone’s nose works. The good news is that everyone’s nose is also stupid and easily lied to. What you need is a believable excuse for smelling like cheap bourbon, delivered with the confidence of a man who…
Dentures and a heavy night out have never been friends. Somewhere past the fourth pint, your teeth quietly develop ambitions of their own. A loose denture and eight lagers is not a partnership. It is a hostage situation, and the hostage is winning. You were never consulted on the itinerary. They will leave. The only…
There is a specific man. You have met him. He stood too close at a wedding and told you, unprompted, what his watch “appreciates at.” He does not own clothes. He owns evidence. Every garment on his body is People’s Exhibit A in the ongoing trial of whether he is doing okay. He would like…
Mock dog meat tacos are the dietary equivalent of telling your therapist “asking for a friend.” The concept is simple. Plant-based protein, seasoned aggressively, stuffed into a tortilla, and named after the family pet someone has been side-eyeing since the second glass of wine. Nobody eats dogs here. That’s the whole point of “mock,” which…
A tuba weighs about thirty pounds and produces exactly one emotion in the people nearby: alarm. It is the only instrument you can hear forming an opinion about your life choices. So the worst places to practice your tuba are, by simple physics, anywhere a human being is currently sleeping, grieving, praying, or trying to…