So you have come to, blinking up at a patio umbrella, while a man named Kevin roots around in your abdomen like he lost his car keys in there. Stay calm. Stay still. The worst move you can make is screaming, because screaming tells everyone the discount lidocaine Kevin bought at a flea market has…
There is a special circle of hell reserved for people who balance their glasses on top of their skull like a tiny smug throne, and the line to get in is out the door. Why people who wear glasses on their head are jerks is not a question. It is a diagnosis. It is the…
Faking a slip-and-fall at the grocery store will not make you rich. It will make you a felon with a bruised ass and a leading role in a film nobody wants to watch. The get-rich-quick fantasy floating around online is closer to a slow-motion financial castration. The numbers are humiliating and the cameras never blink….
Aunt Carol is sixty-three, walks with a cane she nicknamed “Sheila,” and has been blissfully single since the second Bush administration. Then last Tuesday she rolled up to Sunday dinner with a man named Dakota who introduced himself, to the entire family, as “a vibe.” The signs your aunt’s new fiance is only after her…
Good news: the single most achievable goal on your calendar this weekend is not contracting syphilis. It is free. No gym membership, no meal prep, no podcast. And unlike every goal you have ever set, the bar is ankle height. Your body has one job between Friday and Sunday. Remain a corkscrew-bacterium-free zone. And yet,…
The best jobs for people who fear salad dressing all share one feature. None of them involve a man named Greg ambushing your romaine with something he describes as “creamy.” A genuine fear of salad dressing has a name, and that name is “completely valid, leave me alone.” You shouldn’t have to flinch every time…