Somewhere in America right now, a 34-year-old paralegal is gazing into the soulful eyes of a beagle named Reginald and thinking the unthinkable. Reginald is a wonderful boy. He has never judged anyone for crying into Honey Nut Cheerios and holds no opinions about credit scores, exes, or your gym membership. None of this means…
Somewhere out there, a brave and deeply confused soul is standing in a bathroom holding a bag of oranges and a fifth of rum, doing math. This page exists for that person. What follows is 101 reasons not to use your toilet as a punch bowl. Each one stands on its own. Each one is…
Computer troubleshooting tips that don’t involve hitting all share one dirty little secret: the boring fixes work, and your fist never has. Restart it. Yank the plug out and ram it back in. Cool it down, evict the forty browser tabs breeding like horny rabbits, and check whether something’s squatting inside it. Not one of…
Do not try to milk a walrus. That should be the whole article. But people keep asking, presumably the same people who lick frozen flagpoles and trust gas station sushi. So here are seven reasons, each one a fresh slap to your dignity, your ankles, and possibly your criminal record. A walrus is a 4,000-pound…
The biggest financial mistakes lottery winners make aren’t gentle little slip-ups. They’re the money equivalent of winning a Ferrari and immediately reversing it into a lake. Sudden wealth does something deeply unholy to the human brain. One day you’re rationing the good cheese. The next you own a private plane you can’t legally fly and…
It is time to learn to drink out of the toilet bowl just like your dog. For years your dog has watched you pour filtered water into a glass like some kind of insufferable French aristocrat. He has judged you for it. Silently. From the floor. Meanwhile, the water bottle of a god has been…