Your girlfriend’s uterus just got yeeted into medical waste and you’re standing in the hospital gift shop holding a teddy bear that says “Get Well Soon” like some kind of idiot. Nobody prepared you for this. The surgeon explained the procedure using words like “laparoscopic” and “bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy” while you nodded along pretending you didn’t…
Winning: How to Be Happy by Lowering Every Standard You Have Somewhere right now, someone is journaling their gratitude while doing sun salutations at 5 AM. That person is a liar. Nobody’s actually grateful at 5 AM. At 5 AM, humans are supposed to be unconscious, dreaming about showing up to work naked or whatever…
That $500 from Cash-4-U is burning a hole in your pocket, and you know exactly where it needs to go. The casino. Obviously. Look, everyone else is out there with their “index funds” and “emergency savings.” Cowards. You? You’re about to turn borrowed money at 391% APR into pure profit using nothing but vibes and…
Food is a subscription service you never signed up for. Think about it. Every single day, your body sends you notifications like some needy app. “Time to eat!” Ding. “You’re hungry!” Buzz. “Feed me or I’ll make you dizzy!” Alert after alert after alert. And unlike Netflix, you can’t just ignore the payment reminders until…
Alright, so you’ve gotten your hands on a time machine. And instead of using it for literally anything sensible—betting on sports, buying Apple stock in 1997, preventing your most embarrassing moments—you’ve decided to visit the one period in Earth’s history where everything larger than a breadbox wants to murder you. The Mesozoic Era. Home of…
So you found a lump. And now you’re three hours deep into WebMD, standing sideways in your bathroom mirror like you’re auditioning for a Picasso painting, convinced you have approximately 48 hours to live. Your browser history looks like a hypochondriac’s manifesto. You’ve already mentally distributed your belongings (your ex gets nothing, the cat gets…