Okay, so you’re broke. Like, checking-couch-cushions-for-gas-money broke. Googling “can you eat dog food if you season it” broke. Your house looks like a before photo that never got an after, the roof leaks like Edward Snowden, and you’re pretty sure that smell in the basement isn’t just mold anymore—it’s evolved. It has opinions now. Then…
Your pancreas is racist and everyone knows it but you. There. Someone had to say it. You’ve been making excuses for months now — “Oh, it’s just sensitive,” “Maybe it’s the stress,” “Organs can’t be bigoted, that’s ridiculous” — but deep down? You know something’s off. That weird cramping after eating Thai food isn’t about…
Alright, let’s do this. You’re googling “McDonald’s hemorrhoids safe food” at 11:47 PM because your ass feels like it’s hosting a volcano convention and you still want nuggets. This is rock bottom with a side of fries. Nobody prepared you for this moment. Not your parents. Not school. Definitely not Ronald McDonald, who’s somewhere laughing…
Blood pressure medication: $847 a month. Social Security check: $1,243 a month. The look on your doctor’s face when you ask if high blood pressure is really that bad: Priceless. Except it’s not priceless. Nothing is anymore. That banana you bought yesterday cost four dollars. FOUR DOLLARS. For one banana. You remember when four dollars…
So this is where we are as a society. Last week you got into an Uber that smelled like a petting zoo’s anxiety dream. Tuesday, your driver wore ski goggles at 2 AM. Thursday? Thursday your driver rated the grass quality of every. single. lawn. you passed. Wake up. These aren’t quirky drivers. These are…
A Survival Guide for the Tenderly Devastated Right. So your ass hurts and you need to walk somewhere fast. Congratulations on joining the worst club in the world. Membership benefits include creative profanity and a newfound hatred of bicycle seats designed by someone who clearly despises human anatomy. But here’s where it gets fun: life…
