Okay so you just had an abortion and now you’re googling what to eat because apparently that’s a thing people google. The medical pamphlet suggested crackers and clear liquids like you’re recovering from food poisoning in a Victorian novel. Absolutely not. Your uterus just did the biological equivalent of Marie Kondo-ing itself and it deserves…
So your landlord raised the rent again. Third time this year. The ceiling stain that looks like Nicolas Cage having an existential crisis? Still there. Your roommate’s bathtub science experiment has achieved sentience. The people upstairs are either clog dancing or performing ritual sacrifices to the god of inconvenient noise. You know what? Fuck it….
Alright, so you’re getting a colonoscopy. You’ve consumed roughly seventeen gallons of what can only be described as medical-grade Drano. You’re wearing a gown that’s essentially a dinner napkin with commitment issues. In approximately eight minutes, a stranger with multiple degrees is going to send a webcam on a pool noodle into your personal Mariana…
You know what nobody talks about? The dark underbelly of competitive bingo. The scandal. The deception. The elderly crime syndicates operating in broad daylight under the cover of church fundraisers. Everyone pretends it’s all innocent fun. “Oh, it’s just bingo!” they say. Meanwhile, Gladys is running a operation that would make the mob jealous, and…
Baby showers are a psychological experiment that got out of hand. Think about it. Someone decided that the best way to celebrate impending parenthood was to blindfold adults and make them sniff melted candy bars in diapers. And everyone just… went along with it? For DECADES? Actually, you know what? Sometimes throwing up at these…
Alright, so you picked up a tooth off the sidewalk. Just… let that sink in for a second. While everyone else was walking to Starbucks like normal members of society, you stopped, bent down, and grabbed what is essentially mouth shrapnel from a complete stranger. You’re now holding someone’s former chewing apparatus. Their enamel. Their…
