Disclaimer: This is satire. Pyramid schemes are illegal. Please don’t. Seriously. Your mom is worried about you. So. You’ve been to the meeting. The one in that beige conference room where someone named Kyle showed you a PowerPoint that looked like it was made by a cocaine-fueled kindergartener. There were charts. There were promises. There…
Alright. You’re in the grippy sock jail and they just served dinner on a tray that definitely saw the Reagan administration. But you’re not here to cry about it. (That’s what group therapy is for.) You’re here to make bank. 1. Professional Jello Flavor Reviewer That green cube jiggling on your dinner tray isn’t dessert….
A Totally Scientific Guide to Winning at Life (Terms and Conditions Apply) 4:47 AM: Nobody’s Buying This Shit You set your alarm for 4:47 AM because some dickhead on LinkedIn said prime numbers activate your prefrontal cortex. That’s not even a prime number. You know this. You knew it when you set the alarm. But…
Complete Guide to Vaping in Hospital Waiting Rooms: A Masterclass in Making Everyone Hate You Apparently This Needs to Be Said Out Loud Someone vaped in the NICU last Thursday. The NICU. Where the premature babies live. The ones who weigh less than your vape mod. Someone looked at those tiny humans fighting for their…
Nobody – and this cannot be stressed enough – NOBODY googles “professional hairstyles for balding men” because things are going well. You’re here at 2:47 AM because your hairline started packing its bags somewhere around your third annual performance review, and now your forehead has annexed so much territory it could apply for UN membership….
Or: How to Make a Bad Situation Significantly Worse The doorbell rings. You’re wearing yesterday’s shirt (is that chocolate or dirt?), there’s definitely something growing in the sink, and your toddler just announced the dog “made a surprise” somewhere mysterious. The house smells like defeat and old bananas. Standing at your door is someone with…