A Totally Scientific and Not At All Satirical Investigation Look. That sad little container of floss your dentist passive-aggressively handed you six months ago? Still in the plastic bag with the free toothbrush nobody asked for? Yeah. That one. Time to stop feeling guilty about it. Your Wallet Will Thank You (And So Will Your…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Don’t fake falls. You’ll just hurt yourself and end up on someone’s TikTok looking like a startled flamingo. Remember Uncle Jerry? Used to drive a Corolla held together with duct tape and false hope? Now he’s got a Lambo. Says he “invested in produce futures.” Yeah, right. Everyone saw the security…
That salmon mousse from cocktail hour just filed a restraining order against your stomach. The room’s doing the Macarena. Without music. And Cousin Beth wants to tell you about her essential oils business for the forty-seventh time tonight. You’ve got maybe 30 seconds before you ruin someone’s $50,000 party. Maybe less. Let’s Talk About Timing…
Alright, apparently this needs to be said out loud: Getting scurvy on purpose is not a diet plan. It’s barely even a cry for help. It’s more like a cry for someone to revoke your decision-making privileges and maybe check your browser history. But here we are. Quick Refresher for Anyone Who Slept Through History…
Look, we need to address the elephant in the room. Not the overdraft fees or the fact that your savings account earns less interest than finding quarters in your couch cushions. The pens. Those beautiful, perfectly innocent writing instruments just sitting there like tiny plastic sirens calling to your soul. And honestly? Your soul is…
What the Actual Fuck Is Wrong With People We Need to Talk Alright so humanity peaked with the moon landing and it’s been downhill ever since. Case in point: microdosing laxatives is a thing now. Not a joke. Not satire. An actual thing that actual humans are doing with their actual bodies. On purpose. Someone…