So you’ve chosen violence. That’s what it is, really. Every morning when you crack open that can of weaponized caffeine before your brain even registers consciousness. Your teeth have started flinching when they hear aluminum tabs. Your dentist just put a down payment on a yacht. Let’s Get Uncomfortably Honest About Your Mouth Situation That…
Finally, someone had the ovaries to write this You know what’s weird? Wine people pair wine with literally everything. Cheese. Chocolate. Your zodiac sign. That one time Jessica paired wines with her emotional breakdowns. (The Malbec won.) But nobody—NOBODY—has tackled the obvious pairing: birth control and wine. Until now. The Pill: 28 Tiny Lies in…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Pyramid schemes are illegal. Please don’t. Seriously. Your mom is worried about you. So. You’ve been to the meeting. The one in that beige conference room where someone named Kyle showed you a PowerPoint that looked like it was made by a cocaine-fueled kindergartener. There were charts. There were promises. There…
Alright. You’re in the grippy sock jail and they just served dinner on a tray that definitely saw the Reagan administration. But you’re not here to cry about it. (That’s what group therapy is for.) You’re here to make bank. 1. Professional Jello Flavor Reviewer That green cube jiggling on your dinner tray isn’t dessert….
A Totally Scientific Guide to Winning at Life (Terms and Conditions Apply) 4:47 AM: Nobody’s Buying This Shit You set your alarm for 4:47 AM because some dickhead on LinkedIn said prime numbers activate your prefrontal cortex. That’s not even a prime number. You know this. You knew it when you set the alarm. But…
Complete Guide to Vaping in Hospital Waiting Rooms: A Masterclass in Making Everyone Hate You Apparently This Needs to Be Said Out Loud Someone vaped in the NICU last Thursday. The NICU. Where the premature babies live. The ones who weigh less than your vape mod. Someone looked at those tiny humans fighting for their…