Because Dying Slowly Wasn’t Quite Slow Enough Okay. So you’re old. Not “senior discount at Denny’s” old. We’re talking “remembers when doctors recommended cigarettes for stress” old. “Your first car had an ashtray as standard equipment” old. “You’ve outlived three different food pyramids” old. And you’re bored. Jesus Christ, are you bored. You’ve organized your…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Don’t actually do this. Prison jumpsuits make everyone look like rejected Cheetos. So. You’ve decided to monetize human empathy. Everyone knows that one person whose “rare neurological condition” mysteriously flares up right before rent’s due. Their symptoms read like someone threw darts at a medical dictionary while blindfolded. Their doctor is…
They don’t teach this at Harvard Business School. Know why? Because Harvard Business School is built on the lie that humans are professional entities who exist above biological functions. That we’re all just walking LinkedIn profiles in suits, discussing KPIs and synergy while our bodies politely pause all digestive processes between 9 and 5. What…
Okay. So you’re holding a medical specimen jar full of your own gallstones, googling “DIY gallstone crafts” at 3 AM instead of sleeping like a normal person who just had organ removal surgery. This is exactly where bad decisions become legendary stories. Why Gallstone Jewelry is the Next Big Thing Here’s what Big Diamond doesn’t…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Don’t actually do any of these. See a real doctor. Seriously. Your intestines poking through your abdominal wall is not a DIY situation. Look, nobody plans to get a hernia. One day you’re lifting a couch like a normal person, the next day your insides are staging a prison break through…
Look, you’re about to spend 45 minutes in a tube that sounds like a broken dishwasher having an argument with a jackhammer. Why not make it memorable? 1. “THE MAGNETS ARE SPEAKING TO ME IN MORSE CODE!” You know what’s worse than the endless banging? The silence when the tech asks if you’re okay through…