You’re standing in the beef jerky aisle. Again. The cashier recognizes you now. She’s seen the look in your eyes – that hollow stare of someone who lost their teeth but not their will to consume preserved meat products. This is day 47 of your new reality. Welcome to hell. Population: your gums. Let’s Talk…
Your landlord already hates you. Might as well give him a reason. The Part Where This Somehow Makes Sense Look, everyone’s pretending to be an entrepreneur these days. That guy from your gym sells “mindset coaching” which is just him yelling at people on Zoom. Your barista launched a cryptocurrency based on oat milk. Nobody…
So you’re sitting there in your business casual coffin, pretending that synergy is a real word and your life has meaning. Cool. Cool cool cool. Meanwhile, somewhere in Texas, a grown adult in polka dots just made your monthly salary by playing tag with a bull named “Spicy Meatball.” Your Career Counselor Was a Coward…
Alright, let’s talk about your dirty little secret. No, not that one. The other one. The fact that you – yes you, sitting there looking all innocent – personally destroy about 100 rolls of toilet paper every year. That’s roughly one entire tree’s worth of nature’s finest, sacrificed annually to your nethers. Sit with that…
She’s explaining why the way you loaded the dishwasher is an act of domestic terrorism and you’re wondering if Van Gogh had the right idea about ears. 1. Cotton Balls Soaked in Pure Denial Standard cotton balls are for amateurs who still have hope. You need cotton balls that have been marinating in a brine…
So you think you’re a sports genius? You watch every game, know every stat, and your buddy Steve says you should totally start betting because you “called that upset last week.” Stop. Right. There. Steve’s an idiot. Steve also thinks crypto is “totally coming back” and that his band is “about to blow up.” Steve’s…