Disclaimer: This is satire. Don’t actually do any of these. See a real doctor. Seriously. Your intestines poking through your abdominal wall is not a DIY situation. Look, nobody plans to get a hernia. One day you’re lifting a couch like a normal person, the next day your insides are staging a prison break through…
Look, you’re about to spend 45 minutes in a tube that sounds like a broken dishwasher having an argument with a jackhammer. Why not make it memorable? 1. “THE MAGNETS ARE SPEAKING TO ME IN MORSE CODE!” You know what’s worse than the endless banging? The silence when the tech asks if you’re okay through…
So you’ve got a prosthetic leg. And you’re just… walking on it? Like some kind of pedestrian? (Pun absolutely intended.) Meanwhile everyone at parties is doing the same recycled garbage – showing their double-jointed thumb, pretending they know card tricks, telling that one story about that one time in Cabo. Boring. Played out. Done to…
So you and your partner got caught doing crimes together. How romantic! Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like “till the feds do us part” but here you are, still together, just with matching ankle accessories that beep when you try to get the mail. Your vacation radius? 47 feet from the front…
Disclaimer: This is satire. If you actually do this, you deserve whatever kitchen appliance gets embedded in your skull. You googled this. You sat down at your computer, presumably sober, and typed these words in this order. Somewhere, a marriage counselor just felt a chill run down their spine and doesn’t know why. No. Just……
Walking to get food? What is this, the Renaissance? Humanity spent millions of years evolving opposable thumbs just so we could perfect their ultimate purpose: frantically tapping “order again” at 2 AM while wrapped in a blanket burrito of our own making. We’re not using delivery apps. They’re using us. And we’re into it. The…