You know what? Forget everything you think you know about scratch-offs. That cute little ritual where you close your eyes and pick randomly? That’s exactly what Big Lottery wants you to do. Meanwhile, there’s an entire shadow economy of lottery scientists operating out of bus stations and park benches who’ve figured out the system. These…
That insurance bill just hit your inbox like a drunk text from your ex. Suddenly you’re googling “organs that grow back” and wondering if anyone would notice if you sold just a little bit of liver. Wait. You have an uncle. 1. The Classic “Career Guidance” Maneuver Picture this: Sunday dinner. You walk in carrying…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Pay your bills. The electric company has bills too, probably. So that electric bill just showed up. And it’s… wow. It’s giving “small mortgage payment.” It’s giving “did someone plug the house into the sun?” It’s giving financial ruin with a late fee cherry on top. Here’s the thing about electric…
Right now, somewhere in suburbia, Karen is taking a sensible shower in her sensible bathroom with her sensible lavender soap. Don’t be like Karen. Karen’s bathroom doesn’t have a lazy river. Karen’s toilet doesn’t generate waves. Karen probably thinks a bidet is “too exotic.” Karen is everything wrong with modern society. Here’s Why Your Bathroom…
Alright. Let’s talk about the terrorist currently occupying your left nostril. You know exactly what’s happening up there. It’s been setting up camp since your morning coffee, and every time you breathe it sounds like someone’s trying to play Flight of the Bumblebee on a broken recorder. Through a straw. Underwater. But here you sit,…
Your mother-in-law thinks paprika is a personality trait. Not a spice. A personality trait. As in, “Oh, you know me, always living on the edge with my paprika!” Meanwhile, the paprika expired during the Reagan administration and has less flavor than the bottle it’s stored in. This is a woman who once – hand to…
