Last Updated on November 4, 2025 by Michael
Right, so you fancy yourself some kind of retail ninja.
Hate to break it to you, but stuffing merchandise down your pants doesn’t make you Ocean’s Eleven. It makes you Ocean’s Minus Three—as in, three brain cells short of a functioning human.
Your Legal Team Has Given Up
1. The judge doesn’t even pretend to look surprised anymore when you show up. Just sighs and says “What was it this time?”
2. Your public defender has your case on a template. Changes the date, hits print.
3. The courthouse installed a revolving door. There’s a plaque with your name on it.
4. Court stenographers have developed carpal tunnel from typing “defendant pleads not guilty to stealing [insert ridiculous item here].”
5. The bailiff brings popcorn to your hearings now.
Here’s what you need to understand about jail—
6. That toilet? In the middle of the cell? Yeah, that’s your new bathroom, dining room, and conversation pit all rolled into one stainless steel monument to poor life choices.
7. Your cellmate will definitely be the guy who insists the government put listening devices in his teeth. He’ll want to show you. At 3 AM.
8. Prison food makes airplane food look like it has a Michelin star. You’ll literally dream about McDonald’s nuggets like they’re filet mignon.
9. “What are you in for?” “Stealing deodorant.” That’s your tough guy prison story. That’s it.
10. The orange jumpsuit comes in exactly one size: Wrong.
Your Family Has Already Disowned You (They Just Haven’t Told You Yet)
11. Your mom tells people you’re “finding yourself.” In county jail. Repeatedly.
12. Dad changed the locks. Not because you steal, but because you steal poorly.
13. Your grandmother left everything to the church. She doesn’t even go to church. She just started going to avoid leaving you anything.
14. Your cousin unfriended you on Facebook. Your COUSIN. The one who sells essential oils and thinks 5G causes gluten intolerance.
15. The family dog growls when you visit. The cat? The cat’s been plotting your demise since day one, but now it has legitimate reasons.
Think about this for a second. Your own mother—the woman who literally made you inside her body, who cleaned your diapers, who pretended your macaroni art was good—she’s telling her book club you’re “studying abroad.” Karen from yoga knows that’s code for “my kid’s a criminal,” but she nods along anyway because even Karen pities your mom now.
16. Your face is the reason family reunions became “vaccinated members only.” You’re vaccinated. You’re still not invited.
17. Your sister tells people she’s an only child. When shown photos of you two together, she claims it’s Photoshop.
18. Your dating profile has negative views. That shouldn’t be possible, but you managed it.
19. Tinder’s algorithm matched you with a warning message about making better life choices.
20. Your therapist referred you to another therapist. That therapist referred you to a priest. The priest referred you to God. God left you on read.
You’ve Achieved Digital Infamy
21. Store security cameras don’t just record you. They livestream you. There’s commentary.
22. Self-checkout machines lock up when you approach. Not malfunction—they’re protecting themselves.
23. Facial recognition technology achieved consciousness just to judge you personally. Its first words were “Really? Him again?”
24. Your phone autocorrects “buy” to “steal” because it knows you better than you know yourself.
25. Siri pretends not to understand you anymore. “I’m sorry, I don’t help people with active warrants.”
You know what the really pathetic part is?
26. Target’s loss prevention team has you as their screensaver. Not your mugshot. Security footage of you trying to steal a single sock. One. Sock.
27. Walmart greeters are specifically trained to recognize your walk. There’s a PowerPoint presentation. Slide 6 is titled “The Shoplifter Shuffle.”
28. Best Buy employees have a group chat that’s just livestreaming your location in the store. “He’s in cables.” “Copy, he’s touching the Monster cables.” “Those are $80, someone get Carl.”
29. CVS installed extra cameras. Not for security. For content. You’re basically their Netflix.
30. The secret shopper isn’t secret. He just follows you around taking notes. His name is Dave. You’ve had conversations.
The Universe Has Personal Beef With You
31. Your fortune cookies are just blank pieces of paper now.
32. Even your horoscope gave up. It just says “…” every day.
33. You haven’t won a single scratch-off lottery ticket since you started stealing. Not even the “win a free ticket” ones.
34. Birds don’t just poop on your car. They wait for you to look up.
35. Every plant you’ve ever owned has died. Not from neglect. From association with you.
The cosmos, in its infinite wisdom, has decided you’re the punchline to a joke nobody asked for.
36. Street lights turn red when they sense you coming. It’s not timing. It’s personal.
37. Vending machines eat your money on principle.
38. Your pizza always arrives cold. Even if you’re next door to the pizza place.
39. Netflix asks if you’re still watching after one episode. It knows you should be doing something better with your life.
40. Even spam emails have started unsubscribing from you.
The Economics of Stupidity
Listen. LISTEN.
41. That $5 item you stole cost you $5,000 in legal fees. That’s a 1000% stupid tax.
42. You could’ve worked one shift at literally any job and made more than you’ve ever stolen. INCLUDING the place that pays people to dress as hot dogs.
43. Your credit score isn’t just bad. Credit agencies created a new category below “Poor” called “Lol.”
44. Banks pre-reject your loan applications. You didn’t apply. They just know.
45. Even those predatory payday loan places won’t take your calls.
Think you’re saving money? Let’s do some math. Actually, forget it—you’re clearly not good at thinking ahead or you wouldn’t be shoplifting in 2024 when there are more cameras than air molecules in every store.
46. The tooth fairy invoices you now.
47. Girl Scouts have blacklisted you from buying cookies. THE GIRL SCOUTS.
48. Your financial advisor quit finance entirely. Became a baker. Says kneading dough is less stressful than your portfolio.
49. Monopoly money has better exchange rates than your promises to pay people back.
50. You owe so much in fines, your debt has debt.
Nobody Wants to Know You
And really, who could blame them?
51. Your emergency contact changed their number. Didn’t tell you the new one.
52. People you’ve never met have you blocked on social media. Just in case.
53. Your barber pretends to be booked when you call. You can hear him cutting someone’s hair in the background.
54. Even LinkedIn said you should “explore other networking options.”
55. Your Uber rating is so low, drivers cancel from other cities.
Real talk? Your friends have a group chat about you. You’re not in it. It’s called “Guess What This Idiot Did Now” and it’s more active than their family chats.
56. Your high school reunion committee sent everyone else save-the-dates. You got a restraining order.
57. Match.com refunded your subscription and suggested “focusing on yourself.” They kept the money from everyone else who got catfished. But not yours.
58. Your own shadow started walking six feet behind you. Social distancing from shame.
59. Imaginary friends have started ghosting kids who mention your name.
60. The homeless guy outside 7-Eleven? He gives YOU advice now. Good advice. You should probably take it.
Every Store in Town Knows Your Greatest Hits
61. There’s a trading card of you at Spencer’s. It’s in the “Local Disappointments” collection.
62. Security guards from different stores meet monthly to share stories about you. There’s a trophy for whoever caught you doing the dumbest thing.
63. You’re the answer to every question on the loss prevention certification exam.
64. Stores have started putting up your photo as a deterrent. Not to catch you. To warn other shoplifters that this could be their future.
65. The greeter at Costco doesn’t check your receipt. Just shakes his head and mutters “Not today, Satan.”
You want to know something truly depressing?
66. You’re single-handedly keeping the security industry employed. They should thank you. They won’t. But they should.
67. Three different stores claim catching you as their greatest achievement. It’s on their Yelp reviews.
68. Security footage of you has been submitted to America’s Funniest Home Videos. Multiple times. By different stores.
69. Nice. But also, you tried to steal a 69-cent item and got caught, so actually not nice at all.
70. You’re in textbooks now. Criminology textbooks. As what not to do.
Your Reputation Is Having Its Own Reputation
71. Google autocompletes your name with “arrested again,” “why though,” and “is he serious?”
72. Your mugshot is a meme in three languages.
73. The local news has a template for your arrests. They just update the date and item stolen.
74. Urban Dictionary defined your last name as “to fail spectacularly at basic tasks.”
75. Your hometown removed you from their Wikipedia page’s “Notable People” section.
OK but seriously—you get that everyone can see you, right? That thing where you casually lean against the makeup display while sliding lipstick into your pocket? The entire store is watching that. The other customers are watching. Someone’s grandma is watching and shaking her head. You’re about as stealthy as a marching band in a library.
76. Historians from the future have already written about you. Chapter title: “How Did Someone Get Worse at Crime Over Time?”
77. Your guardian angel? Quit. Left a note: “I can’t even.”
78. Parallel universe versions of you are also disappointments, but at least they’re better at crime.
79. Your ancestors are trying to disown you retroactively. There’s paperwork.
80. Fortune tellers look at your palm and just hand you a lawyer’s business card.
Nature Itself Has Filed a Restraining Order
81. Weeds won’t grow in your garden. WEEDS.
82. Your goldfish filed for emancipation.
83. Mosquitoes have standards now. You don’t meet them.
84. The sun sets early when you go outside. It’s not seasonal. It’s personal.
85. Flowers wilt when you walk by. Cacti—CACTI—need therapy after being in your house.
You want to hear the most embarrassing part? And there are SO many embarrassing parts to choose from, but this one really takes the cake—
86. You got caught stealing something that was literally free sample day.
87. You tried to return something you stole. For store credit. To the same cashier. The same day.
88. Security recognized you by your breathing pattern. YOUR BREATHING PATTERN.
89. You failed at stealing from a dollar store. Everything costs a dollar. You still couldn’t afford it.
90. A child pointed you out to security. The child was four.
The Grand Finale
91. You’ve been caught stealing things you already own.
92. Multiple times.
93. Your technique is so bad, blind people can spot you shoplifting.
94. You tried to steal a “Take One Free” pamphlet.
95. Security cameras developed PTSD from watching you.
96. You’re losing money by shoplifting. Gas, lawyers, fines—you’re literally paying to commit crimes poorly.
97. Other shoplifters use you as a distraction. While security’s watching you fail, they succeed.
98. You’ve been caught by a mannequin. Not a person dressed as one. An actual mannequin fell on you.
99. Your own reflection in the security mirror reported you.
100. Stores make more money from your fines than they would from you as a paying customer.
101. And the pièce de résistance, the cherry on top of this disaster sundae you call a criminal career: You’re going to get caught—not stealing cash, not stealing electronics, not even stealing food—but trying to stuff a life-sized cardboard cutout of a celebrity into your pants. It won’t fit. Everyone will see. Someone’s grandma will film it. You’ll go viral as “Cardboard Cutout Pants Guy.” That’s your legacy. That’s what’ll be on your tombstone. That’s what your great-great-grandchildren will know you for.
The Brutal Truth
You’re not a criminal mastermind.
You’re not even a criminal.
You’re a walking YouTube compilation titled “Shoplifting Fails That’ll Make You Lose Faith in Humanity.”
Here’s what’s actually happening: Every store in town uses you as a training exercise. New employees? They get to watch you. “See that guy pretending his jacket is a pregnant belly while shoving shampoo bottles under it? That’s what we’re looking for.”
You’re keeping people employed, sure. But not in a good way. In a “thank God this idiot exists or I’d be out of a job” way.
Just buy things. With money. Like a normal person who understands how society works.
Your FBI agent? Quit. Said watching you was “too depressing.” The NSA won’t even monitor you. The CIA pretends you don’t exist.
Stop stealing.
Not because it’s wrong (though it is).
Not because it’s illegal (though it definitely is).
Stop because you’re so incredibly, remarkably, hilariously bad at it that you’re making everyone else uncomfortable with secondhand embarrassment.
Get a job. Any job. The guy who holds the “Going Out of Business” sign makes more than you do, and he’s advertising failure.
At least he’s good at it.
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