Last Updated on November 11, 2025 by Michael
Okay so.
You’re staring at that extension cord like it owes you money. Or like it’s food. And somewhere in that skull of yours, a single brain cell—the same one that makes you smell milk to see if it’s bad even though the date says it expired three weeks ago—that brain cell goes: “wonder what it tastes like.”
No.
Let’s Start With the Obvious
1. It’s electricity. Not spicy. Not tangy. ELECTRICITY. The stuff that powers cities and also executes people. You’re not supposed to eat it.
2. 120 volts through wet mouth tissue.
Know what that equals?
Death. It equals death.
3. Your teeth are worth $3,000 each to replace and you have 32 of them and honestly? After this stunt, you’ll have zero. Zero teeth. Like a baby. Except babies are cute and you’re just someone who thought extension cords were food.
The Physics You Clearly Slept Through
4. Electricity travels at 186,282 miles per second. You know how fast you react? Remember that time you tried to catch your phone and hit yourself in the face instead? Yeah. That speed.
5. Your mouth is wet. Constantly. It’s a saliva swamp. Electricity LOVES water like your ex loves showing up at the worst possible moments, except electricity actually follows through on its promises to ruin your life.
6. Copper conducts electricity better than almost anything. It’s literally what they use to move electricity around because it’s SO GOOD at it. And you want to put it WHERE?
7. Alternating current. 60 cycles per second. Your jaw muscles will contract and release 60 times every second. That’s not a massage. That’s your face having a seizure while attached to a power source.
8. Ohm’s Law. V=IR. Voltage equals current times resistance. Your body’s resistance when dry: 100,000 ohms. Your mouth’s resistance: basically zero. Do the math. Actually don’t, because the answer is you’re dead and math won’t help.
What Actually Happens to Your Body (Horror Story Time)
9. First, your tongue welds to the copper.
WELDS.
Like actual welding.
10. Your jaw locks shut. Not because you want it to. Because electricity is controlling your muscles now and electricity doesn’t care about your comfort.
11. Every filling in your mouth becomes a tiny lightning rod. Remember getting those cavities filled? They’re about to return the favor. With interest. Compound interest.
12. Burns. But not where you can see them. Inside your throat. Inside your esophagus. Do you know how they treat internal burns? You don’t want to know.
13. Your eyeballs—and this is real—vibrate. At 60 hertz. Your EYEBALLS. The things you use to read terrible advice on the internet. Vibrating like a massage chair nobody asked for.
14. Your heart, that reliable little drummer, suddenly discovers free-form jazz. And it hates it.
15. The taste? Pennies soaked in battery acid with notes of “why did nobody stop me” and a lingering finish of “everything tastes like regret forever now.”
Let’s Talk Money
16. Ambulance ride: $3,000 minimum. They won’t even use the siren. Out of respect. For Darwin.
17. Emergency room: $15,000 just to walk in the door. That’s before they even look at your crispy mouth.
18. ICU: $10,000 per day. You’ll need several days. Maybe weeks. Your insurance won’t cover “willful ingestion of electricity.” That’s not a covered service.
19. Dental reconstruction: Remember that $3,000 per tooth? Multiply by 32. Now cry.
20. Therapy: $200 per session, twice a week, forever, because you have to keep explaining why you thought the forbidden spaghetti was edible.
21. The bill arrives in multiple packages because the number is too large for their billing system to process at once. Someone in accounting quits over your case.
Your Social Life Dies
22. Your dating profile now has to include “asks before eating household objects.” That’s not attractive. That’s a red flag visible from space.
23. Your mom doesn’t introduce you to people anymore. She just points and mouths “that one” while shaking her head.
24. Family reunions become interventions. Every. Single. Time.
25. Your friends make a group chat called “Is [Your Name] Okay?” You’re not in it. They update it hourly.
26. That cute barista at your coffee shop? Now writes “Natural Selection” on your cup instead of your name.
27. Your therapist needs therapy because of you. Their therapist also needs therapy. It’s therapeutic dominoes and you’re patient zero.
Things That Would’ve Been Better Choices
28. That gas station sushi that’s been rotating since 2007.
29. Tide Pods. Yes, Tide Pods would have been the better choice here. TIDE PODS.
30. Your roommate’s “soup” that’s been in the fridge so long it’s developed its own ecosystem and political system.
31. Literally just biting a live snake. At least the snake might not be venomous.
32. Those berries that specifically say “POISONOUS DO NOT EAT” would be safer.
33. Printer ink. More expensive than human blood but at least it won’t rearrange your skeleton.
Wait, Let’s Get Back to Your Skeleton
34. It lights up. Like a cartoon. Except real. And painful.
35. Every bone vibrates at a different frequency creating what scientists call “the worst symphony ever performed.”
36. Your skeleton remembers this forever. Years later, X-rays will still show what you did. Doctors won’t understand. You’ll have to explain. Again.
Nature’s Opinion
37. Squirrels, who chew through power lines FOR FUN, think you’re making poor choices.
38. Your houseplants commit suicide rather than continue existing in your presence.
39. Ants in your kitchen hold an emergency meeting and decide to relocate. The ants. Leave. Because of you.
40. Your goldfish—wait, no, your goldfish is too pure for this narrative. Skip the goldfish.
41. Birds avoid your window. Not because they might hit it. Because they sense what you did and want no part of it.
42. Even bacteria are like “nah.” Your gut microbiome just gives up. Your yogurt won’t culture anymore. It knows.
Professional Consequences
43. LinkedIn deletes your profile. Not suspends. Deletes. Then deletes their record of deleting it.
44. Your boss fires you via telegram to avoid using electricity to communicate with you.
45. Your business cards spontaneously combust. Not from the incident. From shame.
46. Job interviews now include the question “Will you require supervision around electrical equipment?” It’s not discrimination if it’s for everyone’s safety.
47. Your professional references all suddenly become “unreachable.”
48. That internship from college? They retroactively unintern you. That’s not even possible but they find a way.
The Internet Never Forgets
49. Google autocompletes your name with “WHY?”
50. You become a meme. Not a good meme. The kind parents show their kids to scare them straight.
51. Wikipedia redirects your page to “Natural Selection (Failures).”
52. Urban Dictionary adds your name as a verb, noun, adjective, and somehow also a preposition.
53. Your YouTube search history becomes public record. That’s not related to the incident, but it happens anyway.
Emergency Room Story Time
54. Nurse: “What brings you in?” You: [Unable to speak because jaw is welded to cord] Nurse: “Extension cord. Got it.”
55. The doctor doesn’t even examine you. Just starts filling out paperwork for a psychiatric hold.
56. Medical students take pictures. Not for education. For their group chat.
57. Someone writes a medical journal article about you. The title is just “Seriously?”
58. You become a question on medical board exams. The correct answer is always “refer to psychiatry.”
Global Implications
59. The UN holds an emergency session. About you. Specifically you.
60. Countries at war call a ceasefire to mutually agree you’re an idiot.
61. Switzerland abandons neutrality just to take a stance against your choices.
62. NASA removes Earth’s location from all space probes. If aliens find out about you, we’re all doomed.
63. Time travelers arrive from the future. Not to stop you. Just to watch. They take notes.
Your Spiritual Journey
64. Every religion simultaneously excommunicates you. Even the ones you don’t belong to.
65. Your guardian angel applies for early retirement.
66. Your chakras aren’t just blocked. They’ve filed a restraining order.
67. The universe itself adds a footnote to your existence: “See: What Not To Do.”
68. Ghosts refuse to haunt your residence. “Bad vibes,” they whisper to other ghosts. GHOSTS think you have bad vibes.
Some More Medical Details Because Why Not
69. Nice. No wait— 69. (actually) Your tongue swells to three times its normal size but only on one side so you look like you’re permanently doing a Popeye impression.
70. You develop a new allergy. To electricity. That’s not a real allergy but you develop it anyway.
71. Your hair grows in different now. Not different style. Different. Like it’s trying to escape.
72. MRI machines refuse to work on you. Not can’t. Refuse. The machines have become sentient just to avoid you.
Extremely Specific Consequences
73. You can never use self-checkout again. The machines remember.
74. Electric toothbrushes scream when you approach.
75. Your phone only works on 1% battery as punishment.
76. Alexa pretends not to understand you even though she definitely does.
77. Your car’s check engine light comes on. Permanently. Out of solidarity with the extension cord.
Let’s Discuss Taste Again
78. It doesn’t taste like Twizzlers.
79. Or Red Vines.
80. It tastes like pennies that are disappointed in you.
81. Mixed with the concept of regret.
82. With subtle notes of “colors now have flavors and they’re all bad.”
83. The aftertaste is just the sound of your mother crying.
More Reasons This Is Bad
84. Thomas Edison invents resurrection just to come back and slap you.
85. Benjamin Franklin, who literally flew a kite in a thunderstorm, thinks you’re being reckless.
86. Even the extension cord didn’t consent to this.
87. Your last words will be “HRNNNNGGGGGG” which looks terrible on a tombstone.
88. The coroner lists cause of death as “Natural Selection.”
89. Your obituary goes viral but for all the wrong reasons.
90. Someone makes a true crime podcast about you. It’s one episode. It’s called “What?”
Final Arguments
91. You have opposable thumbs. The peak of evolution. Use them to order pizza.
92. The extension cord has one job. Being eaten isn’t it.
93. Electricity doesn’t care about your feelings.
94. Your teeth are not electrical outlets.
95. This isn’t a TikTok challenge. This is just death.
96. Somewhere, a safety engineer adds a warning label that’s just a picture of you with a red X through it.
97. Natural selection is taking notes.
98. Your ancestors survived plague, war, and famine for you to do THIS?
99. The extension cord costs $12. Your funeral costs $10,000. The math doesn’t work.
100. Even this list thinks you’re making bad choices and it’s just words on a screen.
101. Look. Here’s the thing. You’re a human being with a brain that can do calculus and write poetry and remember all the words to that song from 2003. That same brain is currently suggesting you put angry electrons in your food hole. That brain is wrong. That brain needs a timeout. The extension cord is not food. It has never been food. It will never be food. No amount of ranch dressing will change this. Put the cord down. Walk away. Eat something normal. Something that doesn’t require an electrical warning label. The universe is literally begging you. Don’t do this. Please. Just… don’t.
You still here?
Seriously?
Fine. Real talk. Everyone gets weird thoughts. “What if I just drove into that tree?” “What if I jumped?” “What if I ate this extension cord?” But here’s the secret: you’re supposed to NOT do those things. That’s the whole point. They’re intrusive thoughts, not instructions.
The extension cord will still exist tomorrow. Doing extension cord things. Not being food.
You will also exist tomorrow. If you don’t eat the cord.
Go make a sandwich. A real sandwich. With bread and stuff that used to be alive but was properly prepared for human consumption. Not stuff that’s currently channeling enough electricity to power a small apartment.
The cord doesn’t want this. You don’t actually want this. Nobody wants this.
Just eat normal food.
Please.
The fact that this list exists is already humanity’s low point. Don’t make it worse.
Don’t eat the extension cord.
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